


Forbidden Fruit

by diceysmiles



Series: Forbidden Fruit [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Male Character, Boys' Love, Crushes, Diary/Journal, Family, First Kiss, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Minor Character Death, Molestation, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Therapy, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 01:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 75,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11933058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diceysmiles/pseuds/diceysmiles
Summary: Sasuke suffered a traumatic experience at some point in his life which he had suppressed to keep the pain of the truth at bay. Unfortunately for him, the pain came to the surface and he didn't know how to get rid of it. All he knows to do is to write in his journal hoping for clarity, closure, and perhaps, to be able to function in the outside world at some point.





	1. 1st Journal Entry

**Author's Note:**

> Reposting, slight edits

I lay crying so hard it felt like my insides didn't belong in my body. If I could simply gut myself to spill them out, I would finally be able to breathe painlessly. But somehow the rational part of my brain reminded me that if were to do that then, I'd die. So I tried to reason with myself that this pain was only temporary. Soon, I'd be able to breathe. I simply needed to stop crying. But I wasn't crying. I was sobbing so hard my entire body shook violently.

My hand weakened. My fingers released the knife I was holding and they ached. I stared at my hand and my eyes moved on their own accord to the knife.

_I need that knife._

I was in so much pain that my heart was surely about to explode. I needed to open myself up. But I didn't want to die. So instead, I screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

"Sasuke!"

* * *

**Journal Entry**

* * *

It was fall. I was sitting in my seventh-grade math class with my head hovered over my work. I remember how easy the assignment was to do. I sighed louder than I probably should have as I worked out the problem. I was almost finished and there would be too much time left over. I hated to sit in class with nothing to do.

Suddenly, my hair moved and without moving my head, I peeked up behind my eyelashes.

There was a grinning face staring back at me. His hand was responsible for moving my bangs to the side. I couldn't help but move my head to get a better look at him. He was turned back in his seat. I noticed that this person was very handsome. I had never seen him before, though. Or anyone in my class for that matter. I would enter, sit down, and hover over my textbook and notebook. I never bothered to look up or around me. This guy had probably been sitting in front of me since the beginning of the school year and I had never noticed him. I should've noticed him. His hair stood out. Everything about him stood out; blond hair with blue eyes that just seemed to be the friendliest I had ever seen. Nobody had ever looked at me the way he was looking at me.

So innocent.

And I grimaced.

I wanted to push his hand away.

I wasn't innocent. He shouldn't be touching me. I was ugly. Tainted.

Then he spoke.

I couldn't make sense of his words because I was so lost in my own thoughts.

He laughed and it was beautiful.

"You shouldn't hide behind your hair," he told me and my eyes widened a fraction.

_He knew that I was hiding. Did he know why? He couldn't know why. Could he?_

"You're very pretty."

_What the fuck? Did he say I was pretty?_

I frowned and looked down to finish my work again. I heard him laugh and I couldn't stop myself from looking at him once more. I studied him for a moment. He had to be one of the popular kids. He was still smiling at me. And without thinking I smiled back.

"Gosh, you are so pretty. Don't hide your face, ok?"

For the life of me, I can't remember if I ever answered him. I didn't even know his name. It wasn't the first time someone told me I was pretty. But it was the first time I believed them.

But I felt guilty about it. Because the way he said it made me feel normal. And I wasn't normal. And I wished so hard that I was. And I tried. I do remember that I tried.

I had my mother take me to get a haircut during winter break. I wore my hair differently after that. My bangs were still long on the sides but no longer covered my face. And I styled it in spikes at the back. It was weird for my hair to be so short. But I didn't have to hide behind it anymore.

I wouldn't.

I remembered the day our school portraits were given to us, I was in eighth period. I believe it was a reading class. It was the end of January and the teacher handed me my packet with a smile on her face.

"They came out gorgeous, Uchiha."

I smiled at her as she handed it to me.

I liked this teacher. She was nice and never expected me to speak.

But as soon as I saw my picture I couldn't help but think back to the boy in my math class who said I was pretty. And my smile widened.

The girls around me noticed and made a big deal about wanting to see the packet with my portrait. They always placed the 8X10 at the front which had see-through plastic so it would be easy for them to see the picture without taking it out of the envelope.

I handed the envelope to one of the guys. Hoping he could keep the packet intact. The girls hovered around him and squealed. They all wanted a picture. I told him to ask the teacher for the scissors. I didn't know what I was thinking. He passed out one wallet size at a time.

My mother was going to kill me.

I was terrified of my mother. And my father. For completely different reasons.

I slumped in my chair hoping my desk would eat me so that I wouldn't have to go home that day. My classmate handed me back my packet. All the wallet size pictures were missing.

"You could always say you lost them."

I smiled at him and sat up straighter. I could always do that. I wanted to hug this guy.

He smiled crookedly at me, almost lazily, and turned away from me to talk to his friend.

It was weird. I was finally noticing my classmates. I had never noticed them before.

This guy looked tall and thin —not that much taller than me— and he wore his hair up in a ponytail. His hair was dark brown like his eyes. He was friendly. And lazy. I think I had noticed that about him before. Now that I think about it, he said hi to me every day. I had never answered him before. After that particular day, I did. I'd say hi to him and his chubby friend. Their names were Shikamaru and Choji. They invited me to have lunch with them and from that day forward I met up with them during lunch.

Near the end of the year, there was going to be a dance and I wanted to go so badly. It was the first time I wanted to go to a school dance. I had never attended any prior to that. The last school event I was a part of was the first-grade program. I wasn't allowed to participate in sports. My mother didn't care that I wanted to. The only time I stayed after school hours was for detention. That happened a lot in fifth grade. It went on through sixth grade as well. I had stopped doing homework. I hated school. I hated my fifth-grade teacher and his leering eyes.

Orochimaru.

He should've been in jail or somewhere far away from kids. Because of him, I had started to feel dirty again when that feeling had all but left me. He was my reminder that I wasn't. I knew why he looked at me the way he did. I knew what he wanted. I shouldn't have known but I did. Sometimes I wanted him to just take what he wanted from me. But he never did. I was glad when that school year was over.

In sixth grade, I hated my classmates. They wouldn't stop talking about sex. Or about wanting to lose their virginity. They talked about it as if it were the next cool thing to do. They didn't know what sex was. Or how dirty it was. Why would they willingly want it?

Kabuto, one of my classmates, was the one who was riling everyone up.

I remember sitting in the library one day. I was placed in the same group with Kabuto and a group of girls who were always with him. I was ignoring them all. Anybody who saw me thought I was reading my book. But I really wasn't. I was just staring at it.

I felt uncomfortable.

I didn't want to sit near Kabuto. He had caught me —one week prior— staring at him. He was walking back from the basketball courts and had his t-shirt hanging from his belt loop. He was talking to a girl. The most popular girl in the class. What was her name? Tayuya I think. They were older. Two years at least. You could tell. She was curvier than the other girls. Wider hips. Big breasts. His body was different too. He was taller and had a broader chest. His nipples were a dusty brown. He wasn't tan but not pale like me. Somewhere in between. And I couldn't stop staring at him. At his chest.

Deep down I was wishing I could be that brave. Not even when I went to the pool was I brave enough to take my shirt off. Didn't it mean you were dirty if you did? I hated to pretend to be pure when I wasn't.

He caught me staring and smirked at me. He thought I was lusting after him or something. There was no point in making him think otherwise. I turned away from him and walked away.

But that particular day, I was stuck sitting across from him and I could feel him staring at me. I knew he was smirking. I squirmed in my seat. Tayuya said something to him. I caught a few words: "...leave him alone."

I looked up. I was frowning. He grinned.

"I was telling the girls that you know what this means," Kabuto said as he did a vulgar gesture with his hands. His index finger slipping in and out of a ring he'd created out of the fingers in his other hand.

I looked away from him slowly to Tayuya who was sitting next to him. She looked about as uncomfortable as I had felt a moment ago. I briefly wondered if she was having sex with Kabuto. She looked down, away from my gaze.

I had my answer.

I couldn't help the look of disgust that crossed my features.

Kabuto laughed.

I turned to face him and stood up. I left my book behind and walked past another table.

I wished I would've sat there instead. There was a guy sitting there who I had had a crush on since the first grade. His name was Kimimaro. Jirobo was sitting with him. He was one of the few people I actually spoke to. He looked at me curiously while Kimimaro looked at me a bit surprised. Probably because I was scowling. Kimimaro's gaze shifted from my eyes back towards the table I had come from. Kabuto was chuckling along with Tayuya and the other girls. If Kimimaro looked at me again, I wouldn't know. I stayed near the back stacks looking for something else to stare at.

I hated Kabuto.

I was glad he wasn't at the same middle school as I was.

Kimimaro was but I wasn't sure how I felt about him in middle school. It really didn't matter anyway. I was too shy to talk to him. He was so beautiful with his white blond hair. It was long and straight. He had two red circle tattoos on his forehead and big green eyes. A heart shaped face. And a sweet smile.

I said hi to him our first day of middle school. I felt awkward and neither of us knew what to say. And his friend Jugo wouldn't stop staring at me. He was a big guy with orange hair. He looked calm but you could never tell with him. So when Jirobo called out to me from afar, I bailed. It was time for me to get over my crush.

Damn. I've digressed enough.


	2. 2nd Journal Entry

**Journal Entry #2**

* * *

Where was I?

Oh yes, middle school.

I was sitting with Shikamaru and Choji during lunch. They were talking and I was staring beyond the school grounds watching the cars as they passed by on the other side of the gates that secured our campus. What a joke! Most dangers lurked within the gates. Like my home room teacher who liked to rub my back sometimes dipping his fingers under the collar of my shirt while he spoke to the neighbor teacher. He would brag about my grades as the other teacher leered at me. Or the kid in gym class who watched me shower and stared at me while I dressed. He made me uncomfortable but at the same time, he made me feel normal.

I wasn't the only one with urges. I wasn't the only one who stared. I wasn't the only one who knew they were dirty and tried to act like it wasn't so.

I wasn't afraid of Sai. He was like me. The teachers were the ones that I feared; the ones that hugged. I didn't want to be hugged. I didn't want to be touched. I didn't even want to speak.

So, I sat with my friends while we ate and they spoke or didn't; it didn't matter. While the other boys played basketball or soccer after having devoured their meals. And the girls gossiped about their crushes or fought over them. And the upcoming dance was another excuse to do more of that.

"Hey, Shikamaru! Choji!" I heard someone say but I didn't bother to turn. Whoever it was wasn't talking to me.

"Uchiha!"

That made me turn. It was the blond from my math class. He was grinning at me. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't even know his name. Or remember seeing him anymore after the day he spoke to me.

"Naruto, you know Sasuke?" Shikamaru asked curiously.

"Yeah, he's in math with me," Naruto said smiling and shook my shoulder.

I didn't say anything. I was surprised he was touching me and that it didn't bother me. I felt Shikamaru and Choji's gazes on me so I turned and nodded to show that what Naruto had said was true. They smiled in acknowledgment.

"So, I was wondering if you all were going to the dance. You know, so we could all go together."

"What's the matter, Naruto? Couldn't snag a date?" Shikamaru asked and smirked while Choji chuckled.

"Well, she says we should go as a group...not a date. So what do you say?" Naruto said slowly and laughing nervously. He squeezed my shoulder in reflex since he hadn't moved it.

"So what they'd say? Sakura's getting a little impatient," Kiba said from the table behind us, his voice sounding louder than it should.

Kiba was in my art class. He was loud and always ended up as my partner in any project we had to do. He was also in my history class but we didn't speak to each other in that class. He sat on the opposite side of the room.

"I'm not getting impatient! I just want to know if we'll ride together. That is if you guys don't have dates," a girl said.

She had pink hair.

I remembered her from gym class. The boys and girls' gym classes shared the gym during class; boys on one side, girls on the other.

"You're the girl that was hit by a volleyball the first week of school, right?" I asked.

Naruto removed his hand from my shoulder and that's when I realized that everyone was looking at me but I ignored them awaiting the girl's answer.

I remembered that day clearly. We were playing basketball on half the court while the girls played volleyball on the other. Our ball got away from us and I ran towards it. I saved it, throwing it back to my team before my feet hit the ground. That was when I saw from the corner of my eyes that a girl was hit by a volleyball. The sound from the incident was horrible. It seemed to echo through my brain. When she fell, I ran towards her without thinking. I was the only one who did.

Her friend, a thin curvy blond, started to laugh and so did Kiba.

"Oh, it was her all right!" her friend said tapping her forehead. "Her forehead was bruised for a whole week!"

"Shut up, Ino," she told her friend through gritted teeth. A blush spread across her cheeks. Then she turned to me. "I can't believe you remember that."

"Of course, I remember. You practically bit my head off when I asked if you were okay while I picked you up off the floor. The ball hit you hard plus you hit the back of your head on the floor. I thought you'd get a concussion."

"I...I'm so sorry, I don't even remember anyone coming up to me."

"You did hit your head pretty hard. Then after you blew off steam yelling at your classmates, you wouldn't stop crying. I was just standing there holding you like an idiot until the teacher convinced you to go to the nurse. I'm sorry," I said and looked away with a blush on my cheeks. "I didn't know how to make you feel better." I looked at her once again and offered a small smile. "But you got me out of gym class for a day at least."

" _You_  took me to the nurse?!"

"Yeah," I said and nodded. Everyone was still staring at me like I was the creature from the blue lagoon or something. I fidgeted in my seat.

"Oh my god! I thought that was Hinata. I-I d-didn't..." Sakura was saying and stuttering badly.

Everyone laughed cutting her off.

"Your hair was longer back then. Always in your face, you know," Naruto told me with a sympathetic smile.

Hinata was in my choir class. It was a class with a total of five students. She sat next to me. I always had to turn away to avoid staring at her chest. She had a soft sweet voice. I wished I could talk to her without feeling like a pervert.

"You mean the Hyuga girl? The one with the big jugs?" I asked and looked down at myself.

No, I didn't have anything that would resemble breasts. I looked at the pink haired girl a bit confused.

Kiba laughed and said, "Those would be hard to miss."

"You don't say. I have a hard time looking at her. I always have to turn away before I give into the urge of grabbing them," I said without thinking.

I blushed and stared wide eyed at Naruto for help but he was mirroring my exact face, blushing and wide eyed as well.

Well fuck! Now everyone knew I was a freak.

Sakura seemed to fold into herself and Ino stood a little prouder, jutting out her own boobs. Kiba was grinning wildly and so was Choji.

Shikamaru shook his head and breaking the awkward silence said, "Troublesome."

"So, you like girls with big boobs. There's no fault in that!" Kiba said and slapped my back and then shook Naruto's shoulder, effectively getting us out of our funk. "I actually want to ask her to be my date for the dance. But if you are, I might as well not even try."

"No, I wasn't going—" I started saying.

He grinned and cut me off.

"Good! Now I have a chance! I told you he wasn't gay!" he announced proudly to Shino who I hadn't even seen standing there.

Shino was in my science class. He spoke to me a lot about insects and I stared at him in return. He took that as a sign to keep talking to me. I didn't really care either way. It was simply another class where I didn't have to speak. Since all my attention was on him, I had no idea who else was in my class. He seemed like a nice guy.

But...did he think I was into him?

I frowned at him.

"I never said I thought he was gay. You did," Shino told him and Kiba waved off his accusation.

"What's wrong with being gay?" I asked seriously while looking at Kiba.

He looked at me with a nervous smile.

They were all looking at me again.

"Nothing at all!" Naruto said saving Kiba from my glare.

"I don't get it. What's wrong with only being attracted to people of the same sex?" I said and looked at Shikamaru.

For some reason, I felt he had an answer for me.

He sighed heavily then said, "It's not that it's wrong or bad. It just isn't the norm. People believe what religions teach them that it's wrong to be with the same sex. In turn, they tease and insult others to prove they are opposed because they're afraid to be singled out."

"The Bible teaches that God created males and females for procreation purposes; to fill the earth with people. But since the beginning, it was normal for a person to be with either males or females. Everything changed with the temple. People were told that they had to be pure; virgins until marriage in order for their worship to be accepted. Suddenly having descendants was seen as a blessing. But the pagans didn't believe in any of that. To them it didn't matter; male, female, monogamous, polygamous, or orgies was all the same. Abraham, Jacob, David and many others were polygamous. Lot's daughters bore children of incest. What was once accepted had become a sin. I don't think I'll ever understand why only being attracted to one gender is considered wrong."

"That's deep shit, Uchiha," Kiba said lost in thought.

"You've obviously put a lot of thought behind it," Naruto said and placed a hand on my shoulder giving it a squeeze.

"Yeah. Sai...makes me uncomfortable..." I admitted and looked away with a blush.

Sex, lust, being sought after for perverted reasons simply made me uncomfortable. It reminded me of how dirty I was.

"He makes everyone feel uncomfortable," Naruto told me sort of mumbling, squeezing my shoulder.

"Is that why you think about that? Because of the way they treat him?" Shikamaru asked.

I nodded.

Sai was always being teased. Sometimes things became physical. I stepped in a couple of times before the situation turned ugly. And because I protected him, I was teased. But since I didn't care what the others thought or said, the teasing didn't last past a day or two.

I didn't stare at the other guys, only at Sai. But that was because he was already staring at me. I wasn't attracted to him. I guess I was waiting for him to do something but he never did. He simply wanted to watch. And I watched him in fascination as he looked at me. Maybe that's something like reverse voyeurism. I don't know.

"He isn't going to hurt anyone. It's not his fault he's only attracted to guys," I said as I turned to look at Shikamaru.

"But it's like you said, it makes people uncomfortable and that's why they treat him like that. They're scared," Shikamaru told me.

"Well, I'm not scared. And I don't think there's anything wrong with him. In fact, I'm going to ask him to be my date for the dance," I said and walked away while I heard a few gasps and shouts.

"What?!"

Sakura's voice was heard above everyone else's.

"This is all your fault, Kiba!"

"What did I do?!"

"You're the one who brought up being gay!"

"I think he's doing a good thing. We should all go on same sex dates. How about it, Shika? Wanna be my date?" Naruto said.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever," Shikamaru said then winked at Naruto who smiled widely at him.

"Ino, you want to be my date?" Sakura asked.

"Of course, my lovely."

"Kiba...?" Shino began but Kiba cut him off.

"Shut up, Shino! I'm asking Hinata!"

"Don't worry, Shino. I'll be your date," Choji told him.

"Thank you, you're a good friend."

"No problem."

"What are you trying to say, Shino?! I'm a good friend too!" Kiba said upset.

"We should all backup Uchiha on this because it will help everyone to not feel pressured to fit into a certain norm. We should all be ourselves," Shino said matter-of-factly.

"Here, here!" Kiba bellowed.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru said shaking his head.

They were all idiots and too loud.

 


	3. 3rd Journal Entry

**Journal Entry #3**

That day always seems to be very present in my mind. But only certain moments. What I do remember, I will recount.

Sai was sitting a few tables away from where I was previously. He was alone so I joined him. We could both hear what the group I left behind was saying. I sighed loudly.

"Were they making fun of you?" Sai asked me in his monotone voice.

"No," I told him sincerely. He looked at me straight-faced as always and I took it to mean that he was confused. "I told them I was going to ask you to be my date for the dance."

"Why would you do that?" Sai asked me.

I shrugged.

"Would it be a real date?"

"What do you mean?"

"Will we walk into the gym hand in hand? Will we dance? Can I kiss you goodnight? Because I read that's what a real date is."

"If you wish."

"You're not gay are you?"

"Does it matter?"

"Will going to the dance together make you my boyfriend?" he asked and I shook my head no. "Then I accept."

"Okay," I said simply and smiled.

"I don't understand. Why you're doing this?"

"I just don't understand why it's wrong to be gay," I told him.

As I was walking away I heard a soft, "Thank you."

I stopped walking and shrugged.

I looked over my shoulder to say, "That's what friends are for."

* * *

I didn't want to tell my parents about the dance because I wanted to go. If they knew or if I asked for permission, they'd forbid me from going. I thought maybe I should sneak out. But my mom would probably call the FBI or something. I was either at home or school or at the church by her side. There wasn't anywhere else I could be. She didn't want me out of her sight; unless she accidentally forgot about me and left me behind.

I remember her doing that twice.

One winter when I was seven years old, she left me at the mall. My brother, Itachi, found me stalking Santa. I wanted a candy cane but I was afraid to go anywhere near him. And because of that, I didn't even realize my mom had left. Itachi found me half hidden behind a plant and it took a full minute of him tickling me for me to finally tell him what I was up to. Itachi went up to the Santa and his friends—who happened to be there harassing Santa—laughed at him because Santa forced him to sit on his lap before he gave him a candy cane.

I still remember him shouting at Santa as he walked away.

"It was for my brother you imbecile!" he had said with a blush.

At the time, I had no idea why he would yell at Santa. He didn't seem to fear being placed on Santa's naughty list. I was glad, however, that I hadn't asked for the candy cane myself because sitting on Santa's lap was not on my Christmas list.

Then when we were in the car with dad, I heard him grumble, "Fucking Kisame."

When I got home, my mother cried and hugged me. Dad locked himself in his office after he patted my shoulder while mom kept me glued to her. I squeezed my eyes tight and waited for her to let go. I hated it. I didn't like to be touched by her. I was afraid of her.

She noticed and let me go. She wanted to caress my face but I flinched away from her touch. She looked at my brother as she wiped her eyes and said, "I think there's something wrong with your brother."

And I ran.

Because she knew. Goddam knew what had happened to me. She was there. She let it happen. And sometimes I believed that she was the one who did it.

After that day, I hardly saw my brother. He was always too busy to play with me or to talk to me or be anywhere near me. We were never alone. If he happened to be home, someone was always with us. I couldn't even sneak into his room when I had nightmares. His door was always locked.

He knew.

My mother told him that day. I was dirty and he didn't want me near him. When I had a nightmare, I cried until I was no longer scared. And sometimes, I would sneak into mom and dad's room to see if dad was in there. If he wasn't, it was my lucky night because it meant he was in his office. I'd sneak in and lie down by his feet. I'd hold onto his ankle till I fell asleep. In the morning, I would wake in my bed. Dad would put me there. He never complained and never asked. I wasn't sure if he knew. I was afraid of him too. That he'd reject me. More than he already did.

I remembered all that as I walked home from school that day. It was hot. My friends were happy and I was grumpy. One by one they trickled away until it was only me for the last five minutes of the twenty-minute walk. When I walked in the door, mom was talking to my cousin's wife. I usually did my homework in the kitchen but mom sent me to my room. They were having a grown up conversation. My cousin's wife said something to me, a greeting I suppose, and half hugged me awkwardly since she had her three-year-old in her arms. I went to my room and heard the kid cry for a while. I finished my homework and when I no longer heard voices, I walked out to see what happened.

No one was downstairs. I checked the kitchen and my mom's room. I was alone. I felt nervous. Something must have happened to my little cousin. I walked into the living room and headed for the phone that was on the far side of the room. That was when I heard the front door open and I spun around to ask my mom what had happened. But it wasn't my mom.

It was my brother.

I don't know why but when I saw him walk into the living room, I froze.

I was scared.

I looked around, trying to find a way out or upstairs. I needed to find a way to get past him. He noticed me then. He must've been thinking about something. He had been looking down. But when I turned my gaze to him, he was looking right at me.

My eyes widened in terror.

He was going to hurt me.

We weren't supposed to be alone.

He took a step forward. I took a step back and hated myself for it. I should've stayed put. I should've been braver.

"Sasuke," he said softly. And I could see it in his eyes. He was nervous. "I'm sorry, Sasuke."

I gasped.

Why was he sorry? I didn't understand.

_Why?_

_Why?_

_Why?_

I kept asking myself and I think I said it aloud because he started to say something. As he spoke he slowly walked towards me. I was rooted to my spot.

_Why was he sorry?_

I didn't hear a word he said.

When he reached me, leaving only a few inches between us, I threw myself at him and hugged him hard. He hugged me back and rubbed my back. He murmured things to me. Things I didn't want to hear. Things I didn't understand.

"I forgive you," I told him but I didn't know why.

_Why was he sorry?_

I was confused.

I cried more.

He thanked me. Then he said something I wished I hadn't heard.

"It will never happen again. I promise."

What would never happen again? What was he talking about? Why was he sorry?

I didn't know but I believed him.

I trusted him.

I loved him with all my heart.

He was my brother, my father, my everything. It didn't matter what he meant. It would never matter again.

Just then my mom walked in with my cousin's wife and her three-year-old son.

"Itachi, what happened?" my mom asked but I didn't let him answer.

I was mad at her. It was none of her business.

"I fell off my bike!" I said and ran to my room. I couldn't for the life of me think of a reason why I had said that.

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock on my door. I told whoever to come in.

It was my mother.

I cringed.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine," I told her and scooted back on my bed, trying to make more distance between us.

"I'm sorry I left you alone. I didn't think you'd get scared. You don't need to fear Itachi," she told me, attempting to appease me.

It annoyed me more than anything.

"Why would I be afraid of my brother?" I asked her with a frown.

"I guess I'm confused then. When you said you fell off your bike..." she said and trailed off.

"I don't have a bike," I told her and crossed my hands over my chest. I turned away from her.

"I know, Sasuke. I know," she told me and smiled at me. She wanted to get closer to me but she held back.

"There's a dance at school this weekend. I want to go. And I have a date. So you can't say no. You always say no. But not anymore," I told her stubbornly sounding very much like a bratty child.

"You have a date? Sasuke, don't you think you're too young...?"

"It's a simple dance. We'll hold hands. Dance. And at the end of the night, he'll kiss me goodnight. That's it," I said with a scowl.

"He? Sasuke, I...! No, you...!"

"You can't say no," I said shaking my head stubbornly. "I won't let you. And what's wrong with my date being a he?"

"It's wrong, Sasuke!"

"Why is it wrong? Jesus went to a wedding with men. He danced with men. And do you know how those men greeted each other? A kiss. There's nothing wrong with me going to a dance with a boy. Dancing with him. Or letting him kiss me goodnight on the cheek."

"Those men were not only his friends but also..."

"Sai is my friend."

"Your friend? Nothing else?"

"No. He's my friend. I don't like him any other way."

"Okay. I just wanted to make sure you understood," she said with a sigh of relief. "Sasuke, there's a lot of different sorts of people. Some are gay..."

"I'm not gay!"

"You know what that means?"

"Yes. I'm not stupid. It's a man that only likes men. I'm not gay."

"It means more than that..."

"What more is there? That they have sex? That God doesn't approve? Why would that matter to me anyway? God doesn't approve of me."

"Why do you say that!?"

"God only approves of young people that present themselves on their wedding day as virgins. I will not be a virgin when I get married. God doesn't approve of what's not pure. So nothing you say matters. And I'm going to the dance on Saturday and my date will be a boy. You can't say no because even if I don't go to the dance, God still will not accept me."

"Sasuke..."

"That's enough, Mikoto. He already explained himself," my father said in a solemn voice from the hallway.

He walked into the room and smiled at me.

"I'm proud of you, son. Go to the dance with your friend. You have my permission."

"Thank you, father," I told him and smiled a small embarrassed upturn of lips. I was blushing but I didn't care. My father said he was proud of me and that's all that mattered.

"Let's go, Mikoto. I need to talk to you," my father said.

My mother nodded and walked out of the room.

"Sasuke, you're wrong about God. Maybe I'll explain it to you a different day. But just know, he does accept you and you are not impure."

As soon as my father said that, he turned and walked out of the room. He closed the door softly behind him.

I wrapped my hands around myself and cried.

My father didn't know.

What would happen when he found out? Will mother tell him? Will he hate me?

* * *

I don't remember much else about that school year. If I went to the party or if Sai kissed me goodnight, I have no recollection of it. I don't remember having another conversation with my father or brother that year either. My mother, on the other hand, wanted to speak to me every day. But I never paid attention because I was sad. Itachi had moved out to go to a university out of state. He had graduated early and started a spring course to have a head start on his degree. And my father had left home to work out of state.


	4. 4th Journal Entry

**Journal Entry #4**

During summer break, I traveled with my mother. We went to grandfather's farm in Japan. I played with my cousins and spent a lot of time with the animals. I ignored the pig. He was fat and lazy and covered in mud the whole time I was there. In the evenings, we'd visit mother's childhood friends. I was bored to death having to endure whatever they were talking about. We were in Japan. They only spoke Japanese. And my Japanese was very rusty. I seldom spoke. When I did, it was only to my cousins who spoke English, albeit broken but I could still understand them and the bits of Japanese they interjected.

My grandmother didn't even bother speaking to me directly. She would speak to my mother saying tell Sasuke this or ask Sasuke that. I wished she would attempt to speak to me instead of through my mother. She smiled at me every day but not even once, during the entire time we were out there, did she touch me. I also noticed that she ignored my mother. Unless she was telling her to tell me something. And when we said our goodbyes, she tried to convince my mother to let me take the lamb home. "It's a gift," she kept insisting. My mother told her it could be used for their dinner if she didn't want it for anything else. But my grandmother said that my grandfather lost the entire herd in a bad gambling debt. That that lamb came back on its own. She was hiding it from my grandfather because she wanted me to have it.

The way she kept insisting made me feel that somehow the lamb represented her love or something. I wasn't sure. I only remember crying when we left without the lamb. And being mad at my mother for not letting me bring it back to the states with me to keep in our home in the city. I didn't really think that one through. I only knew to blame my mother and that my grandmother loved me. And the lamb was supposed to be mine.

I was still angry about that when we were back on U.S. soil. We didn't go directly home. We stopped in West Virginia to visit family. My mother's sisters. We visited one but stayed the night at another's house. It was weird that we did that. We had always, anytime we'd visited, stayed with mother's eldest sister. I wondered why we hadn't stayed there but was secretly glad we had left. My aunt's husband, who I refused to call uncle, was a pedophile. I never witnessed anything on my own. But I knew what he was. I stayed away from him even as early as the age of four. I remember pulling Itachi out of the house. I didn't want him near that man. I knew he wanted to hurt Itachi and I wasn't going to let him. I would protect my brother from that man anyway I could. Itachi was probably around ten back then. He'd only laughed when I pulled him away and outside thinking I was stubbornly wanting to play.

In the morning when I woke at my aunt's place, I had breakfast with my uncle, Kagami, who tried to be as entertaining as possible to a scowling boy since my mother and aunt had gone out. I was thinking about Itachi and wondering who would protect him from the pedophile when I still hadn't been around or too young to know to protect him.

I asked my uncle where my cousins were. I found it strange that the house was empty. He told me they had all moved out. I had forgotten how much older from me they were. His youngest, Shisui, was three years older than Itachi. He lived next door. The others moved out of state with families of their own. My uncle looked a little solemn when he told me. But he said Shisui had two kids. A two-year-old son and a five-year-old daughter. He told me that Shisui should be home with the kids and his wife if I wanted to visit.

After breakfast and a quick shower, I decided to do just that. Seeing that my uncle was gone too. When I walked outside I was in for a surprise. Itachi was standing at the edge of the yard facing the back of the house. I thought I was seeing things. But then I called out to him softly.

"Itachi."

He started which surprised me even further. Itachi never flinched or not that I ever remembered him doing so. He looked over towards me and smiled.

"I wasn't sure if you were here. The cars are gone. I thought I had missed you."

"Yeah, they, um, left somewhere, I guess," I said stupidly. I was still shocked to see my brother.

I heard him chuckle probably at my clumsy speech.

"Why are you here, Itachi?"

I didn't mean to sound rude but it annoyed me that he was laughing at me. I turned away from his gaze that changed momentarily to hurt.

I could hear the smile in his voice when he answered.

"I heard you'd be here so I stopped by. How were our grandparents?"

_Did he come to visit me?_

Well, I suppose he wasn't that far from my aunts, he moved to Pennsylvania to go to Penn State. I was still angry at him for leaving but I guess it was stupid on my part. I would be going to college after high school too. I turned to look at him and rushed at him. Taking him by surprise with a tight squeeze.

I heard him laugh as he ruffled my hair.

"It's only been a few months, Sasuke. You can't have missed me this much," he said pushing me back from the shoulders to get a good look at my face.

"Dad left too. I'm alone with that woman. She's driving me crazy," I said with a pout and turned away.

"Father should be home by the time you return. It was a simple business venture that has come to an end. And mother simply likes to dote on her youngest."

"Really?" I said sarcastically. "That's why she let me keep the lamb grandmama gave me."

"Grandmama gave you a lamb?" he asked half amused and half surprised. "Where is it?"

"Didn't you hear me? She didn't let me keep it. You should've seen how sad grandmama was. That woman you call a mother is evil."

At this, Itachi laughed.

"Sasuke, did you seriously want a lamb as a pet? Where would you even keep it?"

"That's not the point!" I said upset.

It was the way she had done it. Instead of explaining to grandmother why we couldn't travel with a lamb or raise it in the city, she tried to convince her it was unnecessary to give me something that would benefit grandmother more. As if I didn't deserve such a gift. Especially not from grandmother. Because I was dirty. It always came back to that.

"I think I understand. Mother has a way of speaking that could be misconstrued. She didn't mean to hurt your or grandmama's feelings. She was simply trying to be practical. But she knows grandmama loves you and so should you."

"Grandmama didn't talk to me. She didn't even hug me."

"Grandmama had a rough upbringing. She doesn't know how to connect with people and is skittish with affection. But even so, she always does little things to show her affection. Like making you your favorite dishes or making sure you get the thickest blanket. But the fact that she actually gave you a lamb, I have to say, Sasuke, you might be her favorite," he said with a smile and I blushed.

"Something tells me you already knew that and what that gift meant. I could see why you are upset with mother. But remember, that was the woman who raised our mother. That should give you a little insight as to why mother is the way she is. I think we're luckier than she was growing up to have a mother such as her who isn't afraid to hug her kids or to tell them how much she loves them. Be a little nicer to her, for me, if you can muster it."

Fuck! Talk about guilt tripping me. But if everything Itachi said was true then that meant...

"Mother was jealous," I said unthinkingly out loud.

Grandmother might not have spoken to me but every meal she made she wanted mother to ask me what I wanted. She made mother switch beds with me and took the blanket mother was going to use to give to me. Mother must have felt left out and pushed aside by her own mother because of me. Did she think I didn't deserve to be loved or liked or treated special?

I heard Itachi sigh and when I looked at him, he looked at me with a small pout. Like he felt bad for me. He pulled me towards him and hugged me.

"Try to get along with her. She loves you, you know. She's trying her best."

"Okay," I said because what else was there to say.

"What are you two doing out here? I've been waiting for ages for you to come to my house. Don't make me drag you over," Shisui called out to us from his yard.

Itachi laughed and I smiled.

"We were just about to make our way there," Itachi told him.

"Yeah sure, after three hours of brotherly bonding. If it would've lasted much longer, I think I would've puked," Shisui told him and faked a gag. Then he grinned at me.


	5. 5th Journal Entry

**Journal Entry #5**

"Are you hungry? I noticed mom is gone," Shisui asked me as we made our way to his house.

"No, I already ate. Uncle Kagami fed me," I said and Shisui's eyes about bulged out.

"What's the matter?"

"Dad...fed you?" Shisui said slowly and nervously. Then he turned to Itachi and said, "He fed the dog once and it died."

I looked at Itachi and his face turned pale. I burst out laughing and they looked at me confused.

"I wasn't stupid enough to eat what uncle made. Hell, he took one bite and spit it out. We had frozen waffles and cereal."

"Oh," Shisui said with a relieved sigh.

Itachi's sigh sounding like an echo.

"That's a relief. Thought that was the end of little Sasuke."

"Yeah," Itachi said softly then added with more volume, "I think mother would've killed me if I had let Sasuke die. Then father would've killed me again for good measure."

"I would've hidden the body and told you to go back to college. No one would've even known you were here."

"I could always count on you, Shisui," Itachi said and embraced the other with enthusiasm.

"Idiots," I told them and they laughed.

Itachi pushed me to get me going towards the house.

After Shisui's wife greeted me, she asked if I wanted breakfast. This time around I was smart enough to leave Uncle Kagami out of it and simply said, "No thanks, I had cereal."

After that, Shisui took Itachi with him to the store to get diapers or something. And his wife turned to me and said, "Have you ever thought of piercing your ears? I think you could pull it off. I could pierce them for you if you'd like. I pierced Naori's when she was only nine months."

She sounded like she was bragging. I thought about what she said though and how pissed mother would be.

"Can you do it now?" I said and she beamed.

"Yeah, come here and sit down. I just need to get a few things," she said overly excited and rushed about the house.

She came back with a needle, a marker, rubbing alcohol, and swabs. She grabbed a small bowl from the cabinets and filled it with alcohol. Then she placed the needle in it. She walked up to me and held ice to my ear lobe then asked me to hold it there. She came back with a pair of silver round stud earrings. She showed them to me with a smile. I figured those would be my earrings and I nodded my approval.

"I bought them for Shisui but he wouldn't let me pierce his ears. I really think they would look much better on you."

She placed them in the bowl with the alcohol. I assumed that is was to disinfect them, just in case. She gave me more ice to hold to the other earlobe as she dried the other off. She looked at me seriously for a moment then marked my lobes. She had me hold the ice on the back of ear lobe on one side so that her mark wouldn't smudge.

I squeezed my eyes and grit my teeth. And I successfully blocked her out.

Before I knew it, she was shaking me a bit. When I opened my eyes she looked at me concerned.

"I finished a while ago. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I told her and blinked.

She held up a mirror to my face. I saw I was wearing the earrings. What the fuck? When did she do that? She had even put everything away.

"Wow. I didn't feel anything. I was waiting for the pain."

She laughed and it sounded like relief.

"You scared me! Thought you were in shock or something. I'm glad it didn't hurt. Do you like them?"

"Yeah," I said and smiled. And I really did.

"Good! They look so good on you!"

"What looks good on him?" I heard Shisui say from the door.

Itachi walked in right behind him.

"I pierced Sasuke's ears!" she said with a hop and clapped her hands. She pulled me up to my feet to show me off.

Shisui frowned at her. And Itachi, well he didn't know what to say. Instead, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

After a moment said through tight lips, "Does mother know?"

"How would she know? She isn't here," I said simply.

"Sasuke, please tell me you didn't do this to rebel."

"Itachi, it was my idea and they look good on him. I knew they would."

"Kukiko, what were you thinking? He's only twelve and you know how Uncle Fugaku and Aunt Mikoto are. He'll get in trouble."

"Your family is too old fashioned. Besides, Itachi polishes his nails and has long hair. I'm sure they're more accepting than your parents."

"Sasuke and I are completely different. What I do doesn't affect him. Nor changes my parent's ideals. My parents will be upset about this."

"Were they pissed about your nails or your hair?" Kukiko argued.

Itachi simply shook his head with a sigh.

"I doubt he'll get in trouble then."

"Even if I do, it's only for me to worry about and I'm not worried so just drop it. Besides... I'm thirteen now," I said lifting my chin up a bit. Proud to be another year older.

Next thing I remember about that trip was being in my aunt's bedroom with my mom.

We were laying on top of the same bed as we had been since arriving at my aunt's.

Mother must have heard me hiss or something because she said, "Your ears are still tender. You should try to sleep on your back or your stomach instead of your side."

"Hn," I answered noncommittally.

It was the first thing she had said about my earrings. Almost as if she hadn't cared that I'd done it.

My aunt and uncle threw a fit and argued with Kukiko then Shisui. Itachi had acted as the peacekeeper and changed the subject. He began the retelling of an embarrassing moment; well, for Shisui that is. Who retaliated with an embarrassing story about Itachi. I must've not been paying attention because I don't remember anything they said. I could see them all laughing but I had been lost in thought.

I shifted on the bed and as I was looking up at the ceiling I asked her, "Why are we staying here instead of aunt Aina's place?"

"Sasuke, you made it very clear a couple years back that it didn't matter if Aina's feelings were hurt, we should not stay there and put you at risk."

My stomach clenched tightly.

I quickly mumbled, "Thanks."

She said something to me. Probably a good night because then she brushed my hair back from my forehead and tucked it behind my ear. I looked at her warily from the corner of my eye. I was completely tense from the contact and even held my breath. But I bided my time for her to finally sleep so that I could take a proper breath.

I don't remember getting much sleep that entire vacation. At my grandparents, I'd shared a room with her. And at this place, we had to share a bed. When I finally did manage to fall asleep, I'd wake up with any noise or movement she made.

Did she forgo staying with her favorite sister for me? The sister she claimed raised as a mother because her mother treated her like a real life Cinderella. Did this mean she truly loved me? That she cared about my well-being? Was I wrong about her? Was I wrong to be scared of her?

As I asked myself these questions, I felt panic rise in my throat. But then it felt like a heavy chain broke in the back of my mind, pinning my head painfully to the bed. And just like that memories were bubbling to the surface.

I saw myself walking home. I had to have been in the fourth grade at that point. When I walked into the house, mother was standing in the entrance waiting for me. I started when I saw her. It was just so eerie.

"Sasuke, I need you to come with me to my room," she told me and stalked off.

I followed automatically. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking it was a bad idea. Why did I need to go to her room of all places? What was going on? She walked in and sat on her bed. She looked at me expectantly.

All I could see from the threshold was her on the bed pinning down Itachi. I was about five at the time, peering in from the hallway. Itachi was eleven. He was squirming trying to get free. But mother had him face down on the mattress pinning him down and holding down his arms.

_Itachi cried out, "Please mom, don't do this!"_

_"I have to, Itachi. Don't make this harder than it has to be. It's been seven days and the laxatives aren't working."_

_"Mom! Please! Not like this!"_

_"Stop moving. You're making it harder than it has to be. It's going to be fast."_

_After she said that, she pulled down his pants and he screamed._

_I shut my eyes tight and ran. I found my father in the living room. I told him mother was hurting brother._

_He laughed and said, "It's only a suppository, Sasuke. It will help him."_

_"Help him?"_

_"Hmm, how old are you now?"_

_"Five."_

_"That's right. Five. And no matter what I think, you're a normal five-year-old, aren't you?" father said and I shrugged._

_He wiped the tears from my eyes._

_"_ _Don't worry about your brother. He simply needed to poop."_

_"Daddy, you said poop," I told him and laughed forgetting all about what I had just seen._

_"Shh! Don't tell anyone," he said with a wink._

_I held up my pinkie to link with his. I would forever keep his secret._

And somehow I forgot that conversation but remembered what mother had done to Itachi.

* * *

_**Therapy Session** _

"Sasuke, have a seat," my therapist told me as soon as I walked into his office.

I did as he asked, sitting at an angle to him. The man was tall even sitting he seemed to tower over me. But he was affable and easy to talk to. That was, of course, when I felt like speaking.

Hashirama Senju was his name. I met him while I was still in the hospital. I was released under his care and have been in a treatment center ever since.

At first, he came to see me every day. I was comfortable at the center and glad to be away from everyone. I wasn't ready to get back to my life since I wasn't really sure what my current life was supposed to be. And according to Hashirama, I was twenty-nine.

' _What the hell happened to the past fourteen years of my life?'_

"You've been here for a couple of weeks now," he said and I nodded. "I hope you're finding your stay here comfortable."

"Yes."

"Good," he said with a soft smile. "I know you were very confused when you first arrived. But I understand that you've begun to write a journal."

"Hn."

"And do you feel it's helping you recover your memories?"

"Not exactly," I said and shook my head. "Nothing recent."

"That's perfectly fine. I don't want you to force them."

"Hn."

"Is that your journal you're holding?" he asked and I looked down at my lap.

I was holding onto it with one hand and had hoped he didn't ask to read it. I nodded, though, since there was no reason to keep anything from him.

"Do you mind if I ask, what your first entry was about?"

I'm pretty sure I made a face because he smiled at me and waved a dismissive hand.

"Nothing specific. I mean in general, how old were you and where were you? That is if you don't feel the answers are too personal."

"It's fine," I said but I couldn't remember what I had written first so I opened up the journal and skimmed the first page. "Hm. I was in seventh grade. I met someone in math class."

"Interesting. Why do you think you chose that particular memory to start off with?"

"I'm not sure. But it was the first time I spoke to Naruto. I can't remember if we ever became friends or if I still know him."

I noticed that when I mentioned the person's name the therapist's eyes widened but then he schooled his expression and listened intently.

I was afraid to ask. I wanted to remember on my own because there were a few things that I couldn't readily accept.

"You told me that I was married…and that my spouse was...male?"

"Is that something that doesn't seem probable to you?"

"In a way...yes."

"Do you feel it goes against your sexual orientation?"

"No," I said with a slight frown.

' _Could my orientation change because I lost my memory? Is that even possible?'_

"That's good. Do you think you're ready to see your husband or any member of your family?"

"I would rather wait until I remember a little more before I meet him. But I would like to see my brother again and my father. I didn't see him when I was at the hospital."

Hashirama took a deep breath. He frowned and sat quietly for a moment.

"There are a few things you need to remember on your own but there are others that we need to inform you about. I will set up a time for your brother to come visit you. When he does, I advise that you keep your questions to a minimum. You don't want to become overwhelmed with information that your mind isn't ready to absorb yet."

"I understand."

"Good. I will inform your husband that you need a little more time before he can visit you."

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem. Your mental health is as important as your physical health. We don't need to rush anything," he said and smiled.

I nodded, sighing gratefully.

"I did sense that you had a question about your husband that you kept to yourself. Do you still want to ask?"

"I was only wondering if my mother accepted my marriage and my husband."

"Is her acceptance important to you?"

"I'm not sure. Right now, I could care less. But I'm curious to know if they speak to one another at all."

"I don't know your family very well, Sasuke. I wouldn't know what their relationship was prior to admitting you here. However, from my brief encounter I would have to say that yes, she did accept him as a part of her family."

I nodded and felt my heart quicken when I heard him say that. I wasn't sure why but for some reason knowing that pleased me. I felt the corners of my lips curl into a small smile. I looked down at my journal and gripped it a little harder. I hoped that it would help me regain my memories quicker because now I couldn't wait to meet him. To find out who this person was that I trusted enough to share my life with.

"Sasuke, before we end this session, I do have a favor to ask," Hashirama told me and he sounded more serious than I had ever heard him.

"What is it?" I asked curiously, raising an eyebrow in question.

"As you know, everything we discuss here is private," he said and I nodded. "But I wanted to know if you would allow me to take a photocopy of your first entry to share with your spouse."

I looked at him with a slight frown. ' _Why would he want to share that with him?'_  But I didn't ask aloud. Instead, I simply nodded. I opened up the journal to the first page and handed it to him.

"Follow me," he said as he took my journal and went to the copy machine that was situated beside his secretary's desk. Once he took a copy, he placed a hand on my shoulder to squeeze it reassuringly before he sent me away with the promise that I would see my brother soon.


	6. Extra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's titled extra because my original plan writing this story was for it to solely be the journals. But...I decided to add a little something extra to give an outside view of Sasuke's current situation since his journals focus on his past. Hope that makes sense...

_***** _ **Naruto POV**

I was sitting at my desk at work when my personal cell rang. I usually placed it on vibrate but ever since I found Sasuke… I don't even want to think about it. He's been in the treatment center for two weeks now and I'm going crazy without him. Especially since he didn't recognize me at first. I had no idea how painful it would be to have someone you love look at you like you were a complete stranger. And worse, to have seen him flinch at my touch. I should be glad his memory wasn't completely gone. But it was hard when he didn't want to see anybody but Itachi. Although, when he was admitted to the facility he didn't want to see Itachi either. I imagined it was a pride thing for him. But then again, it could be something completely different. I knew I had to stay away from him until his memory came back or until he could assimilate the fact that he was married. To me. A stranger.

This fucking sucks!

"Yeah," I answered my phone half-heartedly.

I hadn't even checked to see who it was even though I had been waiting for an update from Sasuke's doctor. They had a therapy session scheduled for this morning. I knew he couldn't share what he spoke to Sasuke about with me but even so, I needed to know if he was doing better. If he was scared or comfortable. Anything. I just wanted to make sure that he was okay.

" _Naruto, this is Hashirama Senju your husband's psychiatrist,"_  he said slowly and clearly.

Shit! He must've heard how pathetic I sounded just now. God, I have been so out of it lately!

"Um...yeah. I...was actually waiting for your call. How is Sasuke? Is he making any progress?" I asked eagerly, sitting up straighter and gripping the phone tighter as if any of that would change what he was about to say.

I heard him chuckle.

" _Calm down, Naruto. I don't want you to worry yourself sick over Sasuke. He's in great physical health and comfortable in the facility. His emotional and mental health is slowly making progress for the better."_

"That's good, right, doc?"

" _Yes, it is…"_

"God, that makes me so happy," I told him and rubbed my chest hoping the tightness that had settled there loosened.

" _Naruto, I have something to share with you but I don't want you to get your hopes up. Your husband's recovery is going to take some time. I can't say how long, but even when he is cleared to leave the treatment center, it could take years for him to fully recover if he ever does. I don't mean to worry you but he might have some personality changes and even emotional ones. His tastes can also change. You understand what I'm telling you, right, Naruto?"_

"Yeah, doc. I can't say how I'll feel about any of it, I'm nervous enough as it is. I mean, I don't even know if he'll remember me or if he'll ever...love me again," I told him and swallowed hard.

I cleared my throat to get rid of the lump that was starting to form there.

" _Naruto, I want to set up an appointment for you. I have a feeling that you need someone to talk to and help you get through this, even though family and friends are great shoulders to lean on sometimes we need a little more. What do you say, Naruto?"_

"Yeah, doc. That sounds great actually."

" _I'm happy to hear that,"_  he said and I could hear his smile in those words. " _Now, I need you to give me your email address. As I said, I have something to share with you…"_

I did as he asked and I could hear his fingers tapping the keys. And then in less time than I thought my computer pinged with a new email notification. I had no idea what it was but I could feel my heart start to beat faster and I took a deep breath before I clicked on it to open it. It was an image, I clicked on it to open the picture viewer.

"What is this, doc?" I asked nervously as I scanned the image without reading the words.

It was Sasuke's handwriting but it was a little sloppy as if a kid had written it.

"I don't understand."

" _Sasuke began to write a journal. I asked him to write down anything he remembered about himself in the hopes that it would help him recover his memory. What you see is his first entry."_

"But, doc…" I said and gulped.

Tears began to blur my vision and I wiped at my face almost angrily before they spilled out.

"The handwriting…"

And then I saw a description of me. He was writing about  _me_! I read the sentence and then began from the beginning.

"He...he remembers me."

I couldn't stop my tears after that and I sniffed loudly. I didn't even remember that day. I didn't remember saying that to him but I do remember him being in my math class.

His long hair.

Then he came back after winter break with short hair. I guess it had been for me or because of me. My heart swelled with emotions that I didn't even know existed.

I chuckled and wiped my eyes. I was so happy.

" _Naruto,"_  I heard the doc say. " _I know how important this is to you. But remember, he still doesn't know who he married. But I believe that he will. I don't how long it will take but even though he isn't aware of it himself, the fact that you were a part of that first entry it shows how important you are in the recesses of his mind. When he wrote that entry he couldn't remember your name, but he does know it now."_

"Yeah?"

I wanted to keep reading but I had to take a few breaths. I think I understood what the doc meant. This was very good news. I may not be at the forefront of his psyche but I was definitely in there and I was an important part of it.

" _Yes, he told me himself the entry was about Naruto."_  He paused for a moment letting that sink in I guess.

I know I beamed knowing that he didn't only remember what I looked like but also my name.

" _I need to tell you something else. And I don't want you to worry but I know that you noticed it already…"_

"What is it, Doc?"

" _You mentioned his handwriting."_

"Yeah, I know it's his but...it looks like a kid wrote it."

" _When Sasuke lost his memory, it didn't only erase recent events but it has also affected him on a greater scale. His psyche is no longer that of an adult even though he speaks like one. I'm assuming he did so from a young age. All the experiences he's forgotten that he lived through, which helped mold him emotionally and personality-wise, are no longer present in his mind. It was why I told you that when you finally do speak to him he would more than likely be different from what you remember. As he continues to write and remember, he will recover parts of his old self and I imagine that even his handwriting will change to the age his mind has caught up to. Like I said that was his first entry, I didn't ask permission to read any of the other pages but I did flip the pages and noticed his handwriting changed significantly the more he wrote and remembered. So, again, I know it's not easy to do, but I don't want you to worry too much about him. I know you miss him but know that he is receiving the care he needs so that he can return to his daily life as soon as possible."_

"Thanks, doc. I will keep that in mind."

" _Okay, I wish you a good afternoon and I will email you the information for your first therapy session."_

"Thanks again, doc. Bye."

I read the entry over and over again. It was only a simple conversation between us but he revealed so much. What he thought about me and how much my words affected him. And the fact that he changed his hair to feel better about himself and I had something to do with that. I didn't even notice how fast time was passing. That was until I heard my phone go off with a text. I picked it up and saw it was Shikamaru.

**Don't tell me that I rolled out of bed to meet you and you forgot. Man, what a drag.**

I looked at the time and open my eyes wide. Fuck! Was it that late already?

I didn't bother texting him back. Instead, I called him up.

" _A phone call, huh? Must be something big,"_  Shikamaru said sounding a little more alert than usual.

"Shikamaru," I said sounding more excited than I meant to. "He remembers me!"

" _Huh? Sasuke does?"_  Shikamaru said and even though he couldn't see me, I nodded vigorously. " _That's great news, Naruto!"_

"Yeah, I know! I mean, he doesn't know that he's married to me," I said mumbling the last part. "But he remembers me! You don't know —hopefully, you will never find out— what it feels like to have someone important forget you."

" _You're right, I don't. But I can't imagine it would feel good,"_  Shikamaru said and sighed. " _But it's great news, right? That means he's making progress."_

"Yeah, that's what the doc said."

" _I'm glad,"_  Shikamaru said and let out a little breath, short of a sigh. " _So are you coming or what? I didn't get out of bed for nothing."_

"Lazy ass," I said with a chuckle. "Let me just shut down my computer and lock up my office."

I showed Shikamaru the journal entry once we finished our dinner. I simply had to open my email from my phone. We had moved over to the bar within the restaurant we were in to have a few drinks. I needed to talk about the journal entry some more. I knew that Shikamaru wouldn't tell anyone and wouldn't bring it up again. And I also knew he didn't judge Sasuke, he was simply confused about it all and so was I but hopefully, I would have some answers soon.

Sasuke and I had just agreed to do something life changing and I hoped to god that that was not the reason for his mental breakdown. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if it had to do with me or better yet something I wanted that he finally agreed on. I didn't want to think about that and Itachi told me that it could have been something completely different but he was being secretive about it. He must know something that I don't. Well, he'll tell me soon or perhaps, he wants Sasuke to tell me.

"You know, I remember him with long hair. And when he came back after winter break with a haircut, I assumed something life-changing had happened to him. Because he changed a little. He was more confident, spoke a little more and wasn't afraid to look at anyone whereas before he kept his head down or hidden behind his hair," Shikamaru told me with a thoughtful expression as he passed my phone back to me. "I didn't know you had something to do with that. It's funny how much you affect people."

"What do you mean?"

"You've always had that power, Naruto. You connect with people at a deeper level than anyone else," he said and looked at me seriously. "It wasn't simply your words that affected him, it was the way you looked at him and the emotions he saw in your eyes and heard through your voice. You called him out on something he was doing unconsciously without turning it into a big deal. Obviously, you had a positive effect on him. So much so that he let you bone him."

I couldn't help but laugh. Especially after he winked at me. Leave it to Shikamaru to turn a serious conversation into something light-hearted just like that.

"I think you've told me that before," I said with a shrug. I didn't really understand what he meant. But I was glad that I had had a positive effect on Sasuke and I was hoping I would be able to do it again. If he gave me the chance. "You know, I don't remember telling him that. At the time, I had a huge crush on Sakura…"

"Yes, we all remember," Shikamaru said with annoyance.

I chuckled again. I never understood why my friends thought my crush on her was annoying.

"The  _point_  is that I don't remember being attracted to him until after high school."

"No," Shikamaru said simply.

"What?"

"You liked him from the moment you met him," Shikamaru said looking at me sideways and took a drink.

I frowned at him not truly believing him.

"He was the only person you could not stop touching. As a matter of fact, you talked about him more than anything else."

"I did not," I said and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Do you remember the eighth-grade talent show?"

"Hmm, I don't know…" I scratched my chin in thought.

"Do you remember Sasuke dancing?" I nodded and he chuckled. "Of course, you do. Your eyes were glued to him the entire time. There was a moment I thought you had stopped breathing."

"Hey! He's a good dancer," I said in defense.

"Well, let me tell you something, you weren't the only one staring at him or his ass. The entire female audience was. And you're sitting here trying to tell me that you weren't attracted to him back then," Shikamaru said shaking his head and I realized he was right. "You probably didn't understand your feelings but you were into him."

"I thought I was straight," I said and shook my head. "I mean, Sasuke is the only guy I have ever been attracted to."

"Believe me, I know," he said annoyed.

"How…?"

"Because you've told me a million times," he said annoyed and then chuckled. "Besides, we couldn't go anywhere without you staring at every female within a square mile."

I started to laugh hard at that. I was pretty sure he exaggerating. Or at least I hoped he was.

I sighed then said, "Good times."

He shook his head with a chuckle.

"Yeah, until they came up to you," Shikamaru said and laughed more. "I have seen you turn so many shades of red that I'm pretty sure I've seen every red shade in existence within the color spectrum."

"You would have blushed too if you would've heard what they said to me!" I said pointing at him. Some women had the dirtiest of mouths.

"Maybe," he said and shrugged. "But you got over women quick once you hooked up with Sasuke."

"What can I say, Sasuke is…"

"You don't have to explain anything to me. You love him and that's all that matters. And don't worry, he'll be by your side before you know it."

"Thanks, Shikamaru," I told him sincerely.

His words meant a lot to me. And I knew they were true. Sasuke would come back to me soon. I just knew he would.


	7. 6th Journal Entry

_Every time I write in this journal, I feel like I'm reliving those moments. It triggers all my senses. Hopefully, that means I'll remember how I ended up here in the first place. And I can't help but wonder who my friends are, whether I have a job, and who in the world I married. I want to ask but I don't think it would be right; I should remember on my own. It will be more meaningful because then I'll be certain that we were meant to be together._

* * *

**Journal Entry #6**

Ah, that's right. In my last entry, I had to stop writing right about… Yeah, it's all so clear. I'll just begin where I left off.

"Sasuke, come in and shut the door," mother said.

I nervously walked in as shut the door behind me but I didn't move any closer to the bed.

"I wanted to talk to you."

Oh good, no suppositories then.

"What's this about?"

My mother sighed loudly and looked down. "Did you know that Itachi wanted to move out?"

"What?"

"Itachi wants to move out. He's been having problems with your father. They can't seem to see eye to eye. And a lot of the problems they're having have to do with you," she said sounding upset and basically glaring at me.

"You're blaming me? What did I do? What am I doing to make them fight?" I told her and now I was upset.

_Why would father and Itachi be fighting over me?_

"Itachi is fifteen now. He wants to hang out with his friends. But your father doesn't allow him."

"Okay. How does that have anything to do with me?"

"Do you snitch on him, Sasuke?"

"What? Mother, what is this about?"

"You have private conversations with your father. You tell on Itachi, don't you?"

"No! When would I even have time? Father is always working. Even when he's home, he's locked in his office. If anyone in this house is a snitch, it's you! If Itachi wants to leave, it's because of you! I don't even want to be here because...!"

"Of me? Why me, Sasuke? What do you have against me? All I've ever done is try to protect both of you boys. Even against your father," mother said and now she was crying.

I didn't let her tears move me. She was playing a game with me. I didn't understand it. But I figured this whole conversation was construed to get me talking about something that I probably didn't even know anything about. But apparently, she thought I did.

"Why would you need to protect us from father?" I asked carefully.

"Sasuke, has your father ever hurt you?"

_Hurt me? What was she talking about?_

I felt my eyebrows furrow.

"I don't understand."

"Your father used to beat me. Do you remember that?"

"No," I said sounding bored. This conversation was giving me a headache. "I do remember you bringing him back from jail once. You bailed him out, didn't you? So if he was hitting you, why'd you let him out of jail?"

"I can't believe you remember that. You were so small."

"I remember a lot of things," I said stubbornly.

She looked up at me and frowned.

"But you don't remember him hitting me," she said and I shrugged. "Itachi remembers. I think he still holds it against your father. He stepped in to stop him once. Your father beat Itachi in my place and I realized I needed to put an end to it all. So I called the police and they took him away."

"He was probably drunk. He didn't mean it," I told her waving the accusation away. I never knew how much of what my mom said was factual. I had overheard her while she was lying plenty of times. "I'm sure Itachi knows that too. And so do you. That's why you bailed him out of jail. Right?"

"You're right. After that, your father stopped drinking. And he stopped hitting me. He doesn't even spank either of you boys. He's a changed man. A better man."

"Then why did you ask if he hurt me?"

"I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't your father."

"That it wasn't my father that what?"

Mother sighed again and she sounded frustrated now.

"When your father and I first married, your grandmother, Fugaku's mother, tried to separate us. She spread rumors that I was unfaithful and that Itachi wasn't your father's son. Your father began to drink and the more the rumors spread the less he could handle it until he left me. He left me and Itachi. I couldn't raise Itachi alone. I didn't make enough money. A friend of mine told me about a good paying job with insurance up in Chicago. So I left your brother with your Aunt Aina and went up to Chicago to work. I couldn't afford a place to stay so I stayed with my friend's family. The Sarutobis. Biwaki and Hiruzen. They quickly became my friends. But they had kids of their own. I couldn't have Itachi there with them. Especially when I worked twelve hour days. But they were very kind to me and I named you after Hiruzen's father, Sasuke," she said with a smile.

"I would send money to Aina for Itachi. After some time, I received word that your father was looking for me. And because I wanted to be reunited with Itachi, I decided to give your father another chance and I returned. When I arrived at Aina's I was tired from my trip and went straight to bed. The next morning as soon as I woke, I looked for your brother. He was two at the time and didn't know who I was. I had left him when he was still a baby. So it took some time for him to want to be around me instead of Aina. I didn't contact your father right away. Especially since I found out that he was a drunk. I was worried. Thought I'd made the wrong move by returning." She paused then and took a breath before she continued.

"I heard Itachi crying and noticed that he needed a diaper change. I complained to your aunt that he should've been potty trained. She dismissed my words telling me that she had too many kids in the house and didn't have time to train him. She hadn't even weaned him, he was still drinking from a bottle." She shook her head angrily. "I took him to the bedroom to change him. He fought me for a while but finally let me take his diaper off. And what I saw..."

"What did you see?"

"Your brother had dried blood on him. Someone had abused him," she said softly and bit her lip as tears fell from her eyes.

"My aunt's husband, Ryoma," I said matter-of-factly. She looked up at me surprised. "Don't look at me like I'm a stupid child. I know what he is. And if you knew it was him...!"

"I didn't have any proof, Sasuke! What was I supposed to do? I had abandoned him while I went off to Chicago. For what? A few measly dollars that your uncle used for drugs. I knew your aunt was taking good care of Itachi. I just didn't think she'd let that bastard..."

"You knew Ryoma was like that and you still left Itachi in that house?!"

"She raised me. She was my mother. I knew she would love Itachi like a mother. No one else would do that."

"That's why she let that creep..." I didn't finish my sentence. I couldn't. "Did you call the cops? Tell me you called the cops!"

"No."

"Why not? I thought you were this all protecting mother. What kind of mother doesn't call the cops when their child—"

"Sasuke! Stop. I know. Let me explain. I told your aunt. Aina became very angry with me. Then she told me that Itachi hurt himself on the bike. That it happened to all her kids. That it was nothing to worry about. And I knew that she was in denial. He had hurt all her kids."

"All the more reason to call the cops, mother."

"But there wasn't any proof. It would've been my word against theirs. She would've defended him no matter what. And your father had visited Itachi. He was an alcoholic. They would've blamed him. I couldn't do that to Fugaku. And I hoped that Itachi would forget. He was still so young. I went to your father right away and I moved back in with him. I figured I needed to keep Itachi safe and make sure no one else hurt him."

"Then why do we always stay at her house every time we visit? Since I was four I've been protecting Itachi from that monster. If you really wanted to protect Itachi or me for that matter, you wouldn't have let us step foot in that house or at least not have us spend the night there. We shouldn't have ever spent the night there!"

"I'm sorry, Sasuke. I promise that from now on we won't. I figured since your father and I were present there would be nothing to worry about. But, tell me, why did you feel the need to protect Itachi, did your uncle Ryoma do something...?"

_To you?_

I heard the unvoiced question from the way she was talking and looking at me.

"No! I would never let that thing touch me! I'm not stupid. I knew to stay away from him. But Itachi... Ryoma was always calling Itachi over to him. Would tell him to sit beside him. To go to the bedroom with him. You were always in the kitchen and father was always outside drinking with my cousins. We were alone. So I would drag Itachi outside with me to keep him away from Ryoma."

"I see. So he never touched you?"

"No! I already told you. I stayed away from him. I protected myself and my brother."

"Sasuke, has anyone ever...?" She stopped and swallowed. I kept my eyes locked on hers, waiting for her to finish her question. "Has your father...?"

"My father would never do something like that! What do you have against him?! Hah?! If you wanted to keep him in jail for hitting Itachi, why'd you let him out? My father has never touched me. I'm not afraid of him," I told her and held back the 'I'm afraid of you' remark.

"Sasuke..." she said wanting to keep the conversation going but I wrenched the door open to leave in a hurry.

I was livid.

I couldn't believe she would blame my father for something like that. Especially when she couldn't protect Itachi and put us both in harm's way. When I made it into the hallway, I ran into my father.

"Sasuke, what happened?" he asked and looked behind me towards the room. He saw my mother sitting on the bed and realized she had said something to upset me.

I didn't answer. I simply walked past him.

* * *

I had forgotten about that conversation until my mother brought it up. As I lay beside her in the bedroom my aunt provided us, I thought about that conversation and what mother told me before she fell asleep for the better part of the night. I felt better about mother for some reason and drifted off to sleep.

In the morning, I woke with new thoughts on my mind. Mother had some sort of idea that I had been abused in the past. I had the same feeling but I was never quite sure. Maybe she wants to know how much I know. And she seemed to want me to blame father. Why father? I didn't understand and didn't know how to sort out my thoughts about it possibly being real. But the fact that she decided not to stay at aunt Aina's for me...it made me feel better about my relationship with her.

"Sasuke, good morning," my mother said walking into the bedroom wrapped in a towel. She had become way too comfortable around me during the trip for my liking. "How are your ears?" she asked walking up to me. She grabbed my chin none too gently and moved my head to look at one ear then the other. "Doesn't look like they'll get infected. Don't forget to swab with alcohol after your shower. Let's make sure they heal well. So don't take your earrings off. If you want to keep your ears pierced wait at least a week. By then they'd have healed."

"Yeah, okay," I said a bit sheepishly looking away from her awkwardly. It was weird but I was happy she didn't throw a fit about the earrings and not only that but she really seemed to care that they didn't get infected. She had placed her clothes on the bed and her hand went to grab the edge of the towel.

_What the fuck?_

I felt my hands twitch nervously. I gathered strength to get up and leave.

"I'm gonna..."

"You should go have breakfast first before you shower. Itachi is waiting for you. He has to leave sweetie. And we'll pack later to leave as well. Your father should be home by the time we get back."

"Okay," I said as I quickly headed to the door but I stopped, my back to her and my hand on the doorknob. "Mother, did we take this trip because you missed father and Itachi?"

"Am I that transparent? You are too smart, my dear. But it was a good trip. You were able to see your cousins and your grandmama and your aunts and uncles. Even Itachi. We have a big family, Sasuke. Remember that. You're not alone."

"Yeah, okay," I said with a frown.

Mother could be very weird at times.


	8. 7th Journal Entry

By the time I was in eighth grade, I realized I was the one who was different. I wasn't gay, solely attracted to males —this was my definition at the time— but I wasn't straight either. I finally understood why being gay was not freely accepted. The majority of people were straight. I had never been more confused in my life. As far back as I could remember, I knew I wasn't straight. I was attracted to both male and females from a young age. I had a long-standing crush on a boy since the first grade. And had a crush on a girl in third grade. I was extremely attracted to my fourth-grade teacher, especially her Double-D bosom. And I had a crush on a girl in sixth. I always thought it was the way everyone was. I thought everyone from birth was attracted to both genders but only married the opposite sex to procreate.

I had never been so wrong in my life.

And now on top of being dirty, I was also a freak. I wasn't straight and I wasn't gay. I felt like I just didn't fit in with anyone anymore.

I continued to eat lunch with Shikamaru and Choji since they didn't seem to care about dating or the fact that I suffered from bulimic speaking. There were days on end where I binged on muteness just to turn around and purge free unadulterated speeches. It was literally verbal diarrhea that I could not control. And the cycle would restart after that. Sai was my anchor. Around him, I felt at least a little comfortable in my own skin. I couldn't sit with Shika and Choji without him. And he was good at making me invisible when I needed it most.

And I developed a new crush that year. Her name was Ajisai. She wasn't in any of my classes but she did attend church with me. She was quiet same as me but she was different. She was friendly and kind. A lot of people liked her and she could've been popular if she didn't keep to herself. She was very feminine, always had makeup on and her short spiky bob was very flattering. It made her look innocent and sweet. I would see her walking around campus with her friend, Suiren. They were inseparable. Suiren wore her hair straight and always had a bandana on. She was extremely tomboyish in behavior and the way she dressed. It was very well known that Suiren was a lesbian. And she hated me. Anytime I'd say hi to Ajisai and attempted to talk to her, Suiren would glare at me to the point that I simply couldn't resist glaring right back. She didn't intimidate me. Ajisai would laugh at us and she'd excuse herself and walk off, leaving me and Suiren in our glaring standoff. Suiren would only turn away from me when Ajisai would call to her, "Aren't you coming?" I always felt a warning in her glare. 'Stay away from Ajisai, she's mine.' But I chose to ignore it. Besides school wasn't the only place I could be around Ajisai.

When we were at church, I'd attempt to talk to her. But I had another problem there. It came in the form of her little sister. Fuyo was three years younger and the complete opposite of Ajisai. Fuyo was a chatter box. She had shoulder length dark hair and had long bangs that covered half her face. She had a birthmark on her left eye, that I found attractive, but I supposed she was self-conscious about it since she covered it up. So I never had a chance to actually speak to Ajisai. And even though she was the prettier of the two sisters, I had to admit that Fuyo was very cute. She spoke very fast and blinked rapidly as she did so. I would always feel myself smiling when she spoke to me. And there were times that I would completely forget Ajisai was with us because she was so quiet.

I realized later that Fuyo had a huge crush on me. Although it was flattering, she was only a kid. She was ten and in the fifth grade at the time. But there was something about her, she was very mature for her age. I felt like we were alike in a lot of ways. And I truly enjoyed her company. But it was Ajisai who stole my dreams and held my gaze. Although none of that mattered, I couldn't date her even if I wanted to. Not because of my parents but because of me. I didn't feel it was right that I'd try to be with someone when I was dirty with impure thoughts. It was best to keep my feelings to myself. So even though Suiren got on my nerves, I was grateful to her and Fuyo. They kept Ajisai where she belonged, at an arm's length where she was safe from me.

The school year went by fast and by the end of middle school, I had finally developed a friendship with Kimimaro. The school began a weekly free period for those who had straight A's. There were only a few students who fell into that category: Shikamaru, Sakura, Hinata, Shino, Tayuya, Sai, Kimimaro, Karin, and I. The only person I didn't know was Karin but Kimimaro introduced her as a good friend of his. Tayuya and I were finally decent to one another but I still couldn't shake knowing what she was like when she was younger. She had been one of the bullies in my previous school. Though she had kept her teasing of me to a minimum because Jirobo and the others would shut her up, I still couldn't truly trust her. She would only talk to me and Kimimaro and would effectively ward off Sakura and Karin from coming too close to us while we were chatting. Which was good because it was the first time since I met Kimimaro that I was actually able to talk to him. After school, I'd run into him and his friends, Suigetsu and Jugo and Karin were always with them too, we'd talk for a while then I'd walk home with Tayuya of all people and her friends, Kidomaru, the twins Sakon and Ukon, which also included Jirobo. Jirobo never took offense that I ditched him during lunch to sit with Shikamaru and the others. He always knew I didn't quite fit in with that crowd, them/him but we'd known each other so long that it was easy to be around them even though I stood out like a sore thumb. Our personalities were so different but we were used to one another.

By the time graduation rolled around, I realized that I hadn't gotten over the crush I had on Kimimaro. I was lined up with the rest of the class, waiting for the ceremony to begin. It was a bit warm that day. Or perhaps I was nervous. I was wearing a suit and I didn't like that. But I wasn't the only one. My parents and Itachi, who'd come down for my graduation, were standing with me. Lingering like the other families before they were shooed away by the administrators. Mother was fussing with my hair and Itachi was chuckling under his breath as I squirmed away from her touch and glared furiously. My father tried to get her to stop. But instead she cooed at me and that made it a million times worth. "You look so handsome my sweet boy!" I knew everyone within a five-mile radius could hear her. I blushed furiously and turned away from her, refusing to acknowledge any of them any longer. Why couldn't I have the power to open up the ground beneath me in times like these? I cursed the heavens and evolution for not granting me such powers. I didn't even realize when they left. I just felt a weird shiver pass through my body. I turned around and they were gone.

I almost took a breath of relief but then I locked eyes with Kimimaro who happened to be passing by. I know I blushed when I saw him. He was simply breathtaking. And the word crush no longer applied. I thought the word love was more appropriate. I didn't hear his voice probably because my own blood was rushing in my ears while my heart decided it was a good time to pretend I had just run a marathon. But I read his lips, "You look beautiful, Sasuke."

My eyes widened but he simply smiled and continued on his way. I was finally able to breathe again and the rush in my ears was gone until I heard a voice from behind me say, "He's right, you know."

I turned around and was face to face with Naruto. He was standing behind me in line. I hadn't even known he was there. I didn't know we both had last names that began with U. He had to have since we were standing in alphabetical order. The last time I spoke to him was in seventh and we hadn't spoken directly to one another. I felt butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach as I gazed into his eyes.

_What the hell was wrong with me? Why was he looking at me like that?_

"You do look beautiful."

I must have died or slipped into a comma because I don't remember the procession. Or seeing Naruto again. I didn't even find out what his last name was. And the next thing I knew was that I was at Ajisai's house. We were standing next to each other. So I guess I hadn't died after all. And the comma was temporary. Because I was fully awake now and thoroughly confused. Our pictures were being taken and I supposed it was the flash that brought me back to the place of consciousness. Our families were congratulating us. Ajisai's mother hugged me and I hugged back without feeling weird about it. It was comforting. It was what a mother's hug should feel like. I couldn't help the next thought that assaulted me,  _'She should've been my mom.'_

Ajisai's oldest sister, Konan, came up to me next. She hugged me too. What she said next made me blush.

"I found out through Itachi that you weren't having a party. I couldn't have that. You and Ajisai get along so well and when I told her that her party should be for both of you, she agreed. I think she has a crush on you. She's shy with..."

I didn't hear the rest of that. I was staring at Ajisai. She was blushing and giggling. Konan wasn't exactly quiet when she was talking. But even though I was more than flattered, I was already in love with someone else. Itachi saved me from Konan. He pulled me away to talk to me alone. Or that was what I thought.

Instead, he apologized for not being around to even plan a party. He knew none of my friends from school were present but neither were Ajisai's. As a matter of fact, it was only people from church. Kin and Zaku were the only other ones I ever did anything that resembled talking with, which was only when Fuyo was occupied elsewhere. They were both in high school. But other than them, everyone was either older or younger. But it wouldn't have mattered anyway, mother wouldn't have allowed me to have a party for pagans. I wondered if Ajisai's mother was as strict as mine. Especially since her best friend wasn't even present.

I told Itachi I was fine. "It's not like I wanted a party. Thought we'd be home anyway," I told him simply. He nodded and ruffled my hair. I slapped his hand away and tried to fix my hair. Itachi laughed and walked away.

Kin and Zaku walked up to me and started talking to me. I looked over towards Ajisai but she was busy being congratulated by more people and her family. Zaku was being a complete idiot though and before I knew it, he'd made Fuyo cry. I went up to console her but she ran off. And I stupidly went after her. She was crying on her bed and I sat beside her. I didn't say anything and she started to talk. Because that's what she did. The girl had an arsenal of topics in her mind. I envied that of her. She always had something to talk about and before long we were both laughing. Then she steered the conversation into one more mature in nature. I was so enraptured by her ludicrous story that it didn't matter to me if it was true or not. She told it in a way that didn't leave any doubt. But I wasn't paying attention to her only her words. So when Konan walked into the room and had stared at me in shock, I finally took in what was happening around me.

Fuyo was trying to hide her young body and at the same time dressing as fast as she could. I looked at Konan and shook my head. I couldn't talk.

_What the fuck happened?_

Itachi was there suddenly and took in the scene. He looked at me in disbelief then his face morphed into disappointment.

I couldn't say a word to defend myself. What could I possibly say? I was in the room with her. How could I even explain that I had no idea she was undressing? Nobody would believe me. So I didn't say a word.

Itachi pulled me from my arm out the door all the way to the car where I waited. I was there so long that I actually fell asleep.


	9. 8th Journal Entry

When I woke up, I was in the living room with my parents. Itachi was off to the side and out of view. My parents —my mother— wanted to know what happened. Why I had done what I did.

"I didn't do anything!" I told them but my father shook his head.

He didn't know what to think or feel. He looked at me with a face full of patience and he made me feel something like trust.

"Sasuke, we need to know what happened. Take your time and tell us what you remember."

I nodded and without looking at my mother I told my father that Zaku had made Fuyo cry. That I wanted to console her but she ran to her room. I told them what happened next, how we were talking. How enraptured I was by her story.

"What was she telling you?" my father asked calmly.

"Something stupid. I don't even know why I believed her or why I couldn't stop listening."

"Even if it's embarrassing, do you mind sharing it with us?"

"Uh, no I suppose not. She was telling me the story of how her parents met," I said and laughed because now I felt like an idiot. "She's very good at weaving a tale and capturing an audience."

"That's understandable. Her mother is the same way," my father said with a small smile.

I looked at him surprised and he chuckled. My mother glared at him. But I just shook my head.

"So what did she say?"

"Well, now I feel stupid that I believed what she was saying. It was more than likely a fib. But she said her mom worked at a strip club and went on and on about what that work entailed—"

I stopped talking when I heard Itachi snort.

I blushed.

My father reprimanded him. And Itachi apologized to me. My mother was talking under her breath about Fuyo's mother being a slut and of course, her daughter was the same way.

"Mother, she was lying. She was probably—"

"What happened after that, Sasuke?" my father asked and effectively shut my mother up bringing my attention back to him.

"Konan walked in. That's all that happened," I said simply but deep inside I knew they wouldn't believe me.

"That's not all that happened, Sasuke. She was...!"

"Mikoto! I suggest you stop talking. If you want to listen, you're welcome to stay but I need you to be quiet," my father told her.

I opened my eyes wide. I had never heard him talk to her like that. His voice had so much authority and I, at that moment, was proud to be my father's son. I had always assumed that mother manipulated everyone even father and that I was the only one who she couldn't completely control.

Mother didn't answer, she simply tightened her lips and silently moved to sit further away. She eyed me with disbelieving eyes. I was sort of used to that look, though.

"Sasuke, it's hard to believe that you didn't notice that the girl was undressing in front of you. Do you see where we are coming from?" he asked and I nodded.

Of course, I knew that. I wasn't stupid.

"If there is anything else you remember, please tell me."

"I don't remember anything else. I didn't see what she was doing because I wasn't really there," I said and looked away with a blush.

"What do you mean, son?"

"I...I was picturing in my mind what she was saying. I wasn't seeing her," I said hurriedly and angrily crossed my arms over my chest. I felt like a freak. Plus, they wouldn't believe me.

I heard Itachi snort —again! And my father shot him a glare. Itachi cleared his throat and I wasn't sure how he did it but it sounded apologetic.

"That makes sense, father. When I walked in after Konan, Sasuke looked confused and surprised himself. So, little brother, you were undressing her mother in your mind?" Itachi teased.

I made a sound of disgust and instantly everyone's eyes were on me instead of Itachi.

"Not her!" I said too quickly and slapped a hand over my mouth.

Shit!

Itachi began to chuckle and my father smiled at me. I was confused about their reactions. Shouldn't they think I was weird? My mother was glaring but kept her mouth shut.

"If not her then, who, little brother; Ajisai?" Itachi continued amused.

"No," I said with a pout and turned away trying to hide my blush.

"Who were you thinking about?" my father asked slowly but curiously.

"Someone from school..." I said softly and looked up to see my father's expectant look. I sighed and shook my head. I couldn't believe I was going to say this out loud. "Hinata."

"The Hyuga girl?" my father said with a grin.

At the same time, my brother said, "Wow, little brother. Who knew you were into the busty type. Ajisai doesn't have a chance."

"Can I go now? I don't think this is a healthy conversation," I said with my head down.

"Little brother, this is the healthiest conversation we've ever had," Itachi said smiling.

Father laughed softly.

I couldn't believe it. My family was full of perverts.

"It's not right," I insisted.

My mother was looking at me curiously now.

"Ogling people is disrespectful and depraved. I'm ashamed of myself."

"Sasuke, you didn't do anything wrong. At your age, it's normal to be attracted to others. It's okay to have those thoughts. And you weren't openly leering at anyone," my father was telling me.

I looked up at him and was trying very hard to believe him.

"Geez, mother. Could you have gotten your claws any deeper into his psyche?" Itachi asked and mother glared.

"It is disrespectful and very wrong to think of women that way," mother said and I looked down ashamed again.

"Mikoto," my father said with a tired sigh. "Sasuke, your mother is simply too sensitive. But there is nothing wrong with having a healthy imagination. What would've been wrong was that you had actually undressed that child."

I shook my head trying to convey that I hadn't.

The doorbell rang then and everyone's attention went to the door instead of me.

My mother got up to answer the door. I heard her saying things in a rush, trying to defend herself. But Itachi walked over and quieted her down.

Then Konan and her mom stepped into the living room.

I gulped.

My father put a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

Konan gave me a sympathetic smile and her mom pulled me up into a hug. She squeezed so tight that I had to hold back tears of relief.

"I know it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry she did that to you," she whispered in my ear.

And I did something I would've never done with my own mother. I squeezed her as tight as I could and allowed myself to cry.

I cried quietly but she noticed. We sat down after she cooed and wiped my tears. She held me as if I were her own child with an arm around my shoulder and pressed to her side the entire time she spoke to my parents.

It turned out that Fuyo was in therapy. She had done something similar with another child previously. They weren't really sure what caused her to act out the way she did. But they stopped by to make sure I didn't get in trouble and to explain that Fuyo herself took all the blame.

* * *

 

After the graduation party fiasco, I didn't see Fuyo in church anymore. I was afraid to ask for her. But I overheard my mother talking to Fuyo's mom one night. Fuyo had been sent to a Pediatric psych ward for two weeks after which she continued with therapy sessions twice a week. On the weekends, she stayed with her grandparents to help distract her.

I was worried about her and wondered if maybe I should have been sent too. There was obviously something wrong with me.

I wasn't sure if it was because of what had happened, but I didn't do much that summer. I had confined myself to my room.

Itachi had only stayed for the graduation and left to Pennsylvania again. Father had to work out of town again. He was working in Las Vegas and convinced my brother to pick me up to stay with him in Vegas for a couple of weeks.

Apparently, they were all worried about me. I didn't see why. I wasn't doing anything. And it wasn't like I could hang out with friends, mother wouldn't've given me permission. There was no point in asking.

Itachi showed up with Shisui and a friend of his from college, Yahiko. I told Itachi I didn't want to go but he said I didn't have a choice. Of course, I didn't. So I packed but stayed in my room until the following morning when we were leaving. And just as I was getting in Shisui's SUV, Konan drove up. I wondered why she would even be there until she stepped out and unloaded a couple bags. Ajisai climbed out afterward, she seemed as happy as I was about taking this trip. I wondered if my brother had purposely planned things to force me and Ajisai together.

After what happened with Fuyo, I seriously thought Ajisai would despise me. But she didn't seem to be there because of me. We sat in the back row and didn't speak the whole drive up to Vegas. We stuck to one another though as Itachi and the others talked and laughed, the two of us were deaf mutes. They stopped a couple of times to eat but both Ajisai and I opted out. We only drank water.

When we arrived at Vegas, we went to an apartment complex. Which I thought was weird but it turned out that father was staying with friends. Friends we never saw once and father was not there either. The others took the three bedrooms available. Ajisai and I slept in the living room. She took the couch and I took the floor.

Itachi took us somewhere different every day. It was almost as if he had planned the entire trip filling the need to see every landmark. During which time, Yahiko tried to engage me in conversation but I didn't even try to be polite and ignored him. He tried his luck with Ajisai and she ignored him as well. Shisui laughed at him and Konan comforted him which from the looks of it, he more than enjoyed.

I spoke for the first time on Friday when father finally showed up. He took us all to the theater. The older group saw a different movie from the one father, Ajisai, and I saw. It was some sort of spy movie. My father asked how I liked it and I shrugged. It wasn't that I hadn't enjoyed the movie, I simply didn't feel like talking about it especially since we had walked out a few minutes prior. My father sighed and took us outside where we waited for the others who came out excited and talking animatedly about the film they saw.

I was leaning on the car, arms crossed over my chest and slightly looking down while Ajisai stood beside me with her shoulder pressed up to mine. My brother snapped a picture of the two of us and I glared at him.

"What'd you do that for?" I asked upset.

"You look cute together," Konan said with a chuckle.

I snorted and rounded the car to get inside. Ajisai followed suit. We ignored their teasing for the rest of the night.

The following day father was nowhere to be seen. Itachi decided to take us to a lake. Boulder something or other. We had breakfast at a diner first. Ajisai and I had begun sharing meals since Itachi and Konan forced us to eat. It was a nonverbal understating we had reached. We were both playing with the food on our shared plate when Itachi finally had enough I suppose.

"Eat!" he shouted at us both.

Ajisai and I took bites of our food without question. I ate more than her and when the plate was clean she shot me a grateful look. I simply nodded and we followed the others back to the car.

Once we were out at the lake, Konan stripped to her bikini and all the boys including myself leered at her. Ajisai elbowed me and I had the courtesy to look ashamed. She giggled and waved her hand in front of herself as if to say 'It's alright, I understand.'

The guys were in their swimming trunks before I knew it and Itachi threw me a pair. I caught them before they hit my face and I understood what he wanted. They all jumped in the water but Ajisai and I stayed on top of the picnic tables. I looked at her as she stared at the others and couldn't stop myself from asking, "Why are you even here?"

"You don't want me to be," she said quietly and almost sounded hurt.

"That's not what I meant. It just seems like you don't want to be here anymore than I do. I was forced to come, how about you?"

"You're right, I don't. Konan told my mom that Itachi told her you guys were coming up here. My mom told her that she should tag along and then told her to bring me. I had been grounded anyway so I didn't fight it."

"Why were you grounded?"

"Oh, well," she began sheepishly. "My mom walked in on me and my boyfriend."

The shock that went through me when I heard her say that seemed to catch her attention.

"I'm not as innocent as I look."

"Hn," was all I managed to reply. And here I was worried about corrupting her.

"What about you? They forced you to come, why?"

"I stopped talking to my mother and locked myself in my room."

"Ah," she said knowingly and eyed me.

What the hell was she doing?

"You stopped eating too."

I simply stared at her.

"You're thinner than I remember."

"Hn."

"Do you know how to swim?"

"Yeah."

"Teach me."

"Hn."

I changed into the swimming trunks Itachi had given me completely unabashed that she was right next to me while she stripped down to her bikini. The trunks fit me a little big so I tightened the strings.

"Shit."

I heard Ajisai say even though she said it under her breath and I looked at her then.

I couldn't help the way my eyes swept her body. She was thin and curvy. I wouldn't have ever known since she always seemed to wear a size clothes too big. Even her dresses, she wore them loose. I didn't ask her why she cursed and we both made our way to the water.

As we waded in, I took her hand to lead her in a little deeper. I noticed I was being stared at but ignored the looks I received. Once the water was at our chest level, I swept her up in my arms and told her to relax as I went further in. We weren't going to have much time for lessons so I figured I'd teach her how to stay afloat. She did very well and wasn't afraid to float on her back. I gave her a few tips and she even managed to stay afloat on her own. They called us back in for lunch right as I was going to teach her a simple flutter kick. And it was Ajisai that convinced me to head back to eat.

"Being in the water sure does work up an appetite," she said simply.

I eyed her for a beat but then simply replied, "Hn."

She took a plate that Konan handed her with a burger and chips. I was about to follow her without getting a plate of my own when she said, "You know, I'm really hungry. I think I'll be able to finish this on my own."

"Right," I said and took the plate Konan held out for me.

I sat with her, my back to the others as they whispered to themselves. Ajisai was true to her word and ate everything on her plate. I finished before her. We didn't go back into the water and I laid out on the shore. The sun was hot. But it was comforting in some weird way. Then I felt hands caressing my shoulders and arms.

"What?" I said confused then I heard Itachi and Shisui chuckle.

"You're going to get a mean sunburn if you don't lather up. Sit up." Shisui helped me up while I glared.

Like I cared if I got a sunburn.

"We'll get your back. Get your chest."

"Whatever," I grumbled but did as he said.

"Sasuke," Itachi started hesitantly.

"What is it?" I asked annoyed.

"Why aren't you eating?" Itachi asked and he sounded sad for some reason.

"I ate," I defended myself.

"Thank you for eating today but I meant..." he sighed then and didn't finish.

"You're too skinny, Sasuke," Shisui told me. "You look like you've been starving yourself."

I looked down at myself and I guess I could see more bone than usual. I shrugged.

"It wasn't my intention."

"Little brother, if something is bothering you, you should know you can talk to me," Itachi said softly taking my chin in his hands so that I could look at him.

"Thanks?" I said lamely feeling weird about our faces being a bit too close but I didn't move away.

Itachi shook his head in defeat and released my chin.

"I'll eat more if you want me to. I really didn't mean to stop. I just didn't want to be around mother. She hovers. And the way she looks at me... Look, it doesn't really matter."

"It does if you stop eating," Itachi told me seriously.

"I didn't mean to do that," I said angrily now. "Mother's always in the goddam kitchen. So I stayed in my room. It wasn't like I wasn't hungry. But then I became accustomed to not eating."

"I don't understand what your problem with our mother is. What did she do to you?"

"I hate her!" I said loudly and now everyone was looking at us. "She fucking asks me the weirdest questions and she blames me for everything that happens in that house. Every time you argued with father, when you left, when father left, it's all my fault!"

"Sasuke, none of that is your fault."

"Yeah, well, tell mother that. But it won't matter if you do, she'll still blame me. She always does," I said sadly and stood up to walk away.

I kicked a few stones as I walked further ahead then sulked on my own on top of some boulders near the shore of the lake.


	10. 9th Journal Entry

The day after we returned from Vegas, I didn't stick around the house after breakfast. I took advantage that mother was busy with Itachi and the others to walk to the park. As soon as I arrived, I saw Jugo there. He looked dejected. He was sitting with his elbows on his knees, fingers playing restlessly together, and his head down. I had never seen Jugo in that state. I sat on the bench next to him but allowed some distance as to not cross over into his personal space. He looked up when he noticed me but didn't say anything.

"What's up?" I asked realizing something was seriously wrong.

"Kimimaro," was all he answered.

"Yeah?" I prompted.

"He passed away last week," he said and looked down. He stared at his feet as his hands gripped his knees.

I felt my stomach drop. I didn't know what to say.

"He was sick for a while. He never complained so his family didn't know until it was too late. He was in the hospital this past week. And then one day, he was gone."

I felt my hands ball up. I tightened them until my nails dug into my palms.

"I went to your house to look for you. I know that you were a good friend of his but you were out of town," he said and looked at me.

I noticed for the first time that his eyes were red and swollen.

"He really cared about you. I know you cared about him too."

I simply looked at him. What was I supposed to say? Nothing I said would make him feel better. So what if I cared about Kimimaro, he was gone now. I hated this goddam life. I was suddenly very angry.

Jugo put a hand on my shoulder. "He was at peace with it. He was ready to go when it happened."

"How can you be ready for that?" I asked stupidly and without my permission, a few tears fell from my eyes. I wiped them away angrily.

"I don't know. But he was."

The way he said it, I believed him.

"Hn," I answered and sat back to stare at nothing. I suddenly felt very calm knowing that.

"I'm waiting for Suigetsu and Karin. We were going to head to your house today."

"You knew I was back?"

"Your mom mentioned you'd be back by the weekend."

"She didn't tell me you stopped by. But then again, I haven't spoken to her."

Jugo looked at me. It seemed like he wanted to say something but held back.

"We weren't sure if you'd want to say goodbye since the funeral was a couple of days ago."

"I'd like that."

"Okay. When they get here, we'll go to the cemetery."

When the others arrived, we went to visit Kimimaro's grave site. We didn't talk much.

Afterward, we went to my house for lunch. My mother was in for a surprise. Jugo was calm and quiet. But Suigetsu was a smart-ass. He was loud and vulgar. And Karin was downright annoying. She would get riled up right away with Suigetsu. They didn't bother me. The noise was somehow comforting. It made me forget about everything that was happening around me.

Itachi and Shisui seemed to get a kick out of having them around. Mother couldn't stand them and decided to stay in her room until they were gone.

I invited them over the next day as well.

* * *

**Visiting Hour**

"Mr. Uchiha," I heard someone say from the doorway.

I put my pen down and closed my journal before I looked up. It was the same nurse who brought me my meals and medications during the week. She knew to wait until I looked at her and acknowledged her before she addressed me. Otherwise, I might simply not hear her since I was usually absorbed in my thoughts. Not to mention that I was not used to being referred as mister anything.

I grimaced and squeezed my eyes shut because a sudden sharp pain in my head had me reeling from the almost memory that bubbled up. I may not remember being called mister but I was almost certain that I had been called 'bastard!'

"Hn," I finally acknowledged the nurse. She looked at me with her head tilted sideways. Probably trying to figure out if she should ask if I was ok or simply drop it.

"You have a visitor," she said and I bit back a smile knowing she had decided not to pry.

I had already been advised that my brother would be stopping by for a visit. I stood up and grabbed my journal; I never left it behind. I felt a sense of comfort knowing it contained my memories since they had become precious to me seeing that there were many that still eluded me. I followed the woman; Shintu, Shelby, Shazana…? I couldn't remember her name and it was becoming an almost painful annoyance.

"Hey," I called out to her and when she turned slightly sideways, my eyes went directly to her name tag above her left breast. "Shizune."

"Yes?" she asked and when I looked up at her face, her forehead was creased in annoyance.

"I couldn't remember your name," I told her and pointed at her name tag.

She smiled politely with a nod. "It's this way."

"Right," I said with a nasal laugh. I knew my proximity made her nervous but she masked it well. She was polite enough and was always direct. She didn't hover or expect any conversation. I kind of liked that about her.

"Visiting hours are until seven thirty. You are welcome to show your guest around or take them to your room. And you can end the visit at any time if it becomes emotionally exhausting."

"Hn."

"Your brother's in the visiting lounge right through that door. He's not allowed to come any further without you. If you choose to stay in the lounge during the entire visit, you may."

"Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Mr. Uchiha. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to press the alert button on your id badge."

I nodded and she smiled before she pointed out the direction I was to go.

I turned away from her and entered the visitor lounge. There were a few other people there aside from my brother. But as soon as I saw him, everyone else disappeared from my sight. I have no idea why but I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of urgency to be as close as possible to my brother.

Itachi felt my gaze and turned to face me. A small smile graced his lips and in my haste, I rushed to him and right into his welcoming arms.

"Itachi," I said and I heard it more than felt a slight hitch in my breath.

I squeezed my eyes tight and told myself that I was not allowed to cry. I was being an over-sentimental fool. It wasn't like I was a prisoner, I simply didn't feel ready to go back to my regular life. And the only reason Itachi hadn't come to visit me sooner was that I hadn't allowed it. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him lightly until I felt his arms loosen. I took a step back to regain my personal space.

"Sorry."

"It's fine, little brother," Itachi told me and ruffled my hair.

I looked at him with annoyance but that didn't stop his actions.

He chuckled lightly. "As tetchy as always, I see."

"Whatever," I said and ran a hand through my hair to try and get it back into place. "How's father? I asked to see him but I suppose he's busy."

"Sasuke," Itachi told me in a soft voice and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a moment. I looked at him confused then frowned.

"I see," I said and turned away to find a place to sit.

Itachi followed me to a sofa at the other end of the room, away from the other visitors and patients.

"I take it he was against me marrying someone of the same sex."

Itachi looked up at me with wide eyes.

"You know—?"

"The doctor told me that I was married but not who my spouse was. I want to remember on my own," I told him quickly before he blurted something out. "He also told me I was married to a man." I shrugged not really caring. "I guess he had to tell me since he keeps asking if he could visit. But, I'm not ready," I said and looked away from Itachi's gaze.

"Hn," Itachi said simply then he placed a hand on my knee.

My head snapped around so fast to look at him and my body jerked at the touch that he flinched in surprise.

"Sorry, Sasuke."

I had no idea why but the hair in the back of my neck pricked up and a sudden wave of anger hit me.

"What exactly are you sorry about, Itachi?"

Itachi sighed and I had no idea what he was thinking.

"I didn't mean to startle you. And I can't exactly hold your hand," he said with a smirk.

"Why the fuck would you want to hold my hand? You never even did that when I was a kid."

"Only because I don't know how my next words will affect you," Itachi said and I looked at him with a slight frown. "Father began to drink heavily again."

"Again?"

"I don't know how much you remember, Sasuke. But father is an alcoholic…"

"You mean, he was," I said tightening my fists.

"Father never completely stopped drinking. He simply managed to control himself enough so that he could appear sober in front of us. After you got married…"

"It was my fault?"

"No," Itachi said at a higher volume. He shook his head and gripped my forearm. "It had nothing to do with you. Father simply didn't see the need to mask his drinking once we were both out of the house. After his mother died…"

"Grandmother is dead?" I asked, my eyes wide.

I shook my head and gripped it. My head was starting to hurt.

"Sasuke, maybe I shouldn't tell you more."

"No," I said and looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying not to grimace because of the pain. "I'm fine. Just give me a minute."

Itachi didn't say anything else. I felt him shift on the couch, trying to get a little more comfortable I assumed.

"Is that why he doesn't visit?"

"Not exactly…" Itachi said and studied my face.

"I want to know. I simply get headaches when certain memories begin to surface. Father isn't a trigger so go ahead."

"Right," Itachi said and nodded. "For the past eight years…"

A shock unlike any other hit me and my head began to throb.

"Fuck!"

I groaned and gripped my hair. I gritted my teeth and forced the question out.

"Are you...shit...telling...me that...I've been married...for eight...fucking...years?"

"Something like that," Itachi said and I felt his hand grip the back of my neck. His fingers began to massage my neck and for some reason, it helped relieve the pain.

"Thanks," I said and took a shaky breath. "Do me a favor, just say it before I have a fucking stroke."

I heard Itachi chuckle and I turned my head slightly to give him an annoyed glance. He gripped my neck hard for a moment before he let go.

"Father's in a coma."

"The hell?!"

"You told me to get to the point," Itachi said with a shrug.

I glared at him but other than that didn't reply.

"Father tripped and broke his hip…"

"How does a broken hip end up as a comma, Itachi? That doesn't make any sense."

"He needed surgery but because he's been a long-term heavy drinker, he needed to go through detox."

"What went wrong?"

"The detox medication they gave him hasn't fully left his system, his body needs to flush it out and then he should wake up."

"How long has it been?"

"A week," Itachi said simply. "The doctor successfully took him off the ventilator this morning. Since father is breathing on his own now, the doctor believes that he'll wake on his own in about a week's time."

"Does that mean they tried before?"

"Yes, a few hours after surgery. They tried again a couple days later but father simply couldn't breathe on his own. He's doing better now."

We were quiet for a few minutes. I assumed it was because Itachi wanted to give me a chance to process the information. Truthfully, I was afraid to ask him anything else. Father's drinking problem was news to me. The fact that he was in the hospital while I was…

"How's mother then?" I asked without truly wanting to know. It felt like the right thing to do.

"She's a nervous wreck," Itachi said with a shrug. I looked at him carefully. "I heard that you don't want her to visit."

I shook my head and Itachi sighed. I imagined she would be complaining to him about me and father.

"I understand why father drinks…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Itachi asked me and took my chin in his hands to look at me carefully.

I closed my eyes and simply allowed myself to feel his gaze on my face. It was weird but it felt oddly refreshing. His eyes were so different than mother's; they didn't judge.

"Sasuke…?"

I opened my eyes and looked into his, I inched a little closer.

He abruptly let go and leaned back.

I laughed.

He shook his head and shoved me playfully.

"Don't scare me like that."

"Hn," I said and looked away with a sigh. "Mother is always wound up. She spends so much of her time observing and judging with her damn eyes and then, the things she says; those words can put anyone on edge. That's why I say I understand why father drinks. Hell, I did too."

"You drink?"

"Hm?" I said looking at him. "I don't know the answer to that question. Not in the present tense, anyway. But I know I did. I found mother's stash. It helped me get through a few years but then she blamed the missing alcohol on father, so I forced myself to sober up. I wasn't trying to get him in trouble and I thought he had quit."

"Mother had a stash?"

"Yeah, in the kitchen cabinet under the sink. After we came back from Vegas, there was always a bottle —sometimes two— of vodka sometimes tequila. I wasn't the only drinking from it. Well, not at first," I said with a shrug.

"How often did you drink?"

"Itachi, are you sure you want to know the answer to that question?"

"How did you quit?"

"I forced mother to get rid of her stash."

"How?"

"When she became suspicious of father, I asked her if she wanted him to become an alcoholic again. I told her that her stash was a passive-aggressive way of accomplishing that. Next thing I know, there wasn't a single drop of anything around the house."

"I have never understood the relationship the two of you have. The way you speak to one another…"

"There are a few things I want to understand as well," I told him and he looked at me suspiciously. I asked him to follow me to my room where we could have a bit more privacy and he nodded.

Once we were in my room, I opened up my journal and handed it to him. I asked him to read the conversation I had had with mother when I was in fourth grade. Itachi read it silently and the more he read, the further his eyebrows furrowed. By the end, he had gripped the journal tightly and closed his eyes. I noticed a tear escape his eye. I wanted to ask him how much of that conversation was true and how much of it was a lie. But from the pain that was emanating from my brother, I assumed the majority was true.

I would've reached out to comfort him but I had no idea how.

Instead, I waited patiently until he closed the journal. He set it to the side and stood up. Without a word, he walked to the door and gripped the doorknob.

My eyes widened, I didn't want him to go but I couldn't force him to talk to me either. Perhaps, I had fucked up the only good relationship I had. I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again.

"Sorry, Sasuke," he finally said in a calm voice that made the hair on my arms stand on end. "I'm not ready to address any of this. Some other time, little brother, just not today."

And then he walked out.


	11. 10th Journal Entry

There are certain moments that are very clear to me. Like that time, a week before high school, when I had to go to campus to pick up my textbooks. At mother's request, I turned down Suigetsu's offer to ride together with his brother. Karin and Jugo had gone with him as well. I found out soon enough that mother had not thought the day through. It took forty minutes to arrive since mother refused to take the city bus. I hadn't argued with her, I preferred to walk as well. When we stepped on campus, I had to follow her lead since I had no clue which direction to go in. Surprisingly enough, she knew her way around.

From afar, I heard my name being called. When I turned to look, there was a blond waving at me and saying something I didn't quite catch.

Naruto.

I smiled mostly because I knew he wouldn't see it. So I merely lifted a hand in greeting. But what I couldn't stop looking at were all the textbooks he had with him. He balanced them on the handlebars of his bike and rode off making it look easy. I wondered briefly if he would make it to his destination with the books intact or if he would lose some on the way.

"Who was that, Sasuke?" my mother asked but she sounded annoyed.

I hadn't realized that I was still staring in the direction he had been.

"Naruto," I answered simply but as I thought of Naruto and all his books, I became angry. "I should've come with Suigetsu."

"Why?"

I rolled my eyes and walked into the room where the textbooks were being distributed.

"You missed the rush," the woman behind the counter said. "Name."

I gave her my name. In return, she handed me a schedule and a stack of books. Mother and I had to sign some forms to check them out and then we were good to go. I looked at the books and then I turned to look at mother. She simply walked to the door to hold it open for me.

When we arrived at the main gate, I saw Konan with a friend leaning on a car and chatting. Konan noticed me right away and called out to my mother and I. My mother said hello to Konan but gave a weird look to her friend. When Konan offered to give us a ride, my mother declined but I accepted. She looked at me for a beat then said she'd see me at home. Konan opened her trunk so that I could place my books inside.

"Who's the kid, Konan?" her friend asked.

"Itachi's little brother, Sasuke," Konan answered and I simply gestured a hello. "This is my friend Hana."

"Itachi's little brother, huh?" Hana said and both Konan and her giggled. "They do look a lot alike."

"Don't get any ideas. Ajisai's got dibs," Konan said as she snaked an arm around my shoulders.

I snorted and pushed her away.

"Ajisai already has a boyfriend," I said and crossed my arms over my chest taking a step away from Konan.

She simply smiled at me.

"How old are you kid?" Hana asked and I simply glared at her.

"I don't see why that's any of your concern."

"Rude little shit, aren't you?" Hana said with a smirk then she and Konan giggled.

"He's in the same class as your brother and Ajisai," Konan informed her and Hana shrugged indifferently.

"Where is Ajisai? I didn't see her," I told Konan wanting to distract them from whatever they were trying to confirm about me.

"She came earlier with her friend, Suiren. We're waiting for Kiba, Hana's brother," Konan told me.

I nodded but didn't say anything. I hadn't seen Kiba either.

"The dumbass came earlier and forgot to bring in his sport's physical form. Now he's trying to track down the coach but he's so eccentric god knows where that man is."

"If you're going to wait longer, do you mind if I pick up my books from you later? I'll just walk home," I told Konan but it was Hana who took hold of my wrist and yanked me into a bear hug. "Hey, let go."

"You're not going anywhere, little man. If anything, we should ditch Kiba," Hana said and laughed. "We should take him to meet the gang. I have a feeling Hidan would love to meet him."

"Who the fuck is Hidan?"

"Someone you definitely don't want to meet," Kiba said as he approached us. "Hana, get your hands off Uchiha! He finds you as repulsive as I do."

"Kiba, that's no way to talk to your sister."

"Says her lesbian lover," Kiba said with annoyance.

Both girls began to laugh then Konan opened the back door.

"Maybe we should go see Hidan," Konan said with an evil glint in her eye.

"He'll turn you both into respectful little shits," Hana said and then cackled before she shoved us both into the back seat of the car.

Kiba and I stared at one another and the worried look in his eyes told me one thing, we needed to bail. I held up three fingers and counted them down slowly. Right as Hana and Konan were about to take their seats up in the front, I had made a fist and we both opened our doors to make a run for it.

"This way, Uchiha!" Kiba shouted but I was already going in the opposite direction.

I saw Kiba cut through the park, it was not a good place to be not even in the middle of the day. Which made me believe that Hidan was a far worse danger if Kiba was willing to risk that park to get away from his sister. I ducked into the convenience store around the corner and asked for a phone. If I was lucky, Suigetsu would be home and he'd pick me up. For the first time in my life, I regretted not agreeing with my mother's judgment of another person.

Another of those moments was the first day of school, freshmen year. I walked to school alone. Everyone I knew was either riding with their older siblings, parents or simply taking the bus. Suigetsu had offered me a ride but my parents wouldn't have been too happy with that. Mother had been getting on my case about Suigetsu and Karin and, somehow, even father had jumped on the bandwagon. The trio hadn't returned to visit since the day father dragged Suigetsu out of the house. Father said a few choice words to Suigetsu in a colorful language I was not used to hearing from him then politely told Jugo and Karin to leave. I hadn't even noticed father's presence nor did I actually hear what Suigetsu had said to set him off. One thing was clear, though, they were no longer allowed to come over. It was best they stayed away, giving the impression that I stopped hanging out with them to save me the headache of mother's nagging.

When I arrived at the main gates, I had noticed an array of students hanging about waiting for the first bell to ring. My eyes weren't focused on anything so I didn't see who I was walking past.

"Sasuke!"

I blinked and saw Shikamaru, Choji, and Sai making their way to stand before me.

The way Choji was grinning it was obvious he was the one who called my name. I simply nodded in greeting. I took him in fully. He wasn't the chubby kid he was in junior high. He was husky with muscle, taller even. He had let his hair grow longer. I took his brown locks in my hand to test the length. It looked good on him. When I looked at his face, he was blushing.

I turned to Shika who was standing on Choji's right. I looked him up and down as well. The two of us were closer in height. Choji having gained an inch on us. Shika didn't look like the same scrawny kid, he had built some muscle over the summer. His face was a little more refined. He still had the same bored expression on his face though so I poked his forehead. He gave me an indignant look but didn't say anything. He sported a slight blush as well.

I held back a smirk.

Last was Sai, who was looking at me curiously as I studied him. He was taller and had lost his boyish round cheeks but still had the same grayish complexion. His hair was a bit shorter than I remembered but his eyes still had that vacant look. He was the only one out of the four of us who hadn't pierced his ears. I frowned as I thought what he would look like with earrings. I took in his body and noticed he was wearing a crop top. I stared at his belly and snorted. When I looked back up to his face, I noticed a prominent blush that made him look livelier than usual. I reached out to cup his face, letting my thumb caress his blush as it spread.

"Sai!"

We both turned and I let my hand drop. I caught sight of Suiren and Ajisai a few feet away. Suiren was sporting a death glare that I promptly ignored to look at Ajisai.

Ajisai was smiling at me and her smile kept growing.

I frowned confused until she began to chuckle.

"Tch!"

Of course, that damn Konan didn't keep her mouth shut. I turned around and scanned the area for Kiba. I was going to kill Kiba in place of his sister. They shared the same blood; it was an even trade.

"Sasuke, is everything alright?" Choji asked nervously. But I ignored him as I found my prey and stalked toward him.

Kiba must've felt my gaze on him because he abruptly stopped talking and laughing. He turned to look at me and when he noticed that I was out for blood, he stood up quickly placing his hands in front of himself in a placating manner.

"Now hold on, Uchiha! I haven't said a word to anyone! You think  _I_  want anyone to know what could've happened!"

"Like I care," I said and reached out to grab his collar and at the same time, a hand wrapped itself around my wrist. "Let go."

"Not until you let Kiba go, Sasuke," a firm husky voice said close to my ear.

I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. But I did take my time. I wanted to see every single detail of him that had changed. I couldn't deny my attraction to Naruto. And I didn't want to. But I couldn't resist the challenge and if I could intimidate him for only a second, well, that would make my day.

"That's not likely," I said looking right at Naruto with a smirk. My hold on Kiba's collar tightened and I accidentally pinched some skin.

"Argh! Dammit, Uchiha! I already told you, I didn't say anything," Kiba said desperately but didn't try to fight me.

I was too busy taking in Naruto to pay attention to him anyway.

Naruto looked at me through piercing blue eyes. His brow was furrowed but it was more out of confusion than anything else.

Naruto's grip tightened but then loosened when he noticed how my eyes were devouring his lean form. He cleared his throat and frowned further to fight back a blush that had almost taken over his face.

I softened my eyes and stared at his lips and without fail he licked them.

"Back off," I told him and tightened my fist, making sure to add a little more of Kiba's flesh in my grip.

"Aaah!"

"Not until you tell me what this is about!" Naruto said finding his resolve and this time his fist tightened to the point that I had to relax my own.

"No!" Kiba said suddenly. He weakly shoved and kicked at Naruto forcing Naruto to let go and take a few steps back. "I'd rather take a potential beating than tell anyone anything!"

"Potential?" I said as I looked at him amused.

"That's right, Uchiha! You think I'm just going to let you kick my ass? I'll just have to knock you onto your ass," Kiba said and both his hands gripped my wrist.

"Hmph!" I answered and looked him over. "I'd like to see you try."

I swept my foot underneath him and knocked him on his ass so fast that I had him pinned to the ground before he could even blink. Kiba struggled beneath me and I smirked down at him.

"What happened to the ass kicking you were going to give me?" I said with a smirk.

"Fuck you!"

"Stop fucking around, Sasuke!" Suigetsu said behind me. "Security is on their way and I don't want to spend my first day in suspension."

"Right," I said but couldn't resist getting at least a taste of revenge. I twisted both of Kiba's nipples without remorse before I stood up and dusted myself off.

"Aaahhh! Son of a bitch!" Kiba shouted and placed his hands on his nipples as he rolled back and forth trying to find relief.

Naruto busted out laughing and looked at me with a huge grin as I walked away. I winked at him, a smirk on my face before I turned away completely.

"I don't know what that was about but he got you good, Kiba," Naruto said and laughed again.

"Shut up, asshole!" Kiba and grumbled incoherences making Naruto laugh harder.

I faintly heard Shikamaru say something that I didn't quite catch. Knowing him though, it was probably the word 'troublesome'.

"What'd he do to deserve that, Sasuke?" Suigetsu asked with a grin.

I looked at him but didn't answer. It wasn't any of his business.

"I gotta say, I never expected you to be so playful."

"Uchiha."

I heard to my side and when I turned I saw Suiren walking beside me accompanied by Ajisai and Sai.

"I think you pinched his nipples so hard that even Hana had to have felt that."

I heard Ajisai chuckle and Sai looked at me with a puzzled expression.

"That's what I was counting on," I replied simply making Suiren laugh.

We looked at each other with smiling faces for the first time since we met. But glares quickly replaced our smiles when we realized it.

"Suiren, are you coming?"

I heard Ajisai say from afar. I smirked at Suiren who in turn stuck her tongue out at me playfully before she turned to walk away.

"What the fuck, Sasuke? Couldn't you have introduced us? That girl is smoking hot!"

"She's a lesbian," I told him simply.

"Ah, what the hell?!" Suigetsu said upset and then smiled wildly. "Think she'd be into a threesome?"

"Why do I have the feeling that you have no idea what that means?"

"Aw, why you gotta be like that?" Suigetsu said and looked at me amused. "Sex is the most natural way to express one's feelings…"

Suigetsu continued to talk and I tuned him out for the remainder of the day.


	12. Extra II

**Itachi POV**

* * *

 

"Naruto," I said his name softly but his head jerked up.

I could see how nervous he was and I wondered if he thought I might blame him for what happened to Sasuke. I had already told him that I didn't and I wasn't about to reassure him. He would find out soon enough what actually happened. I was still in the dark myself. I was simply lucky that Sasuke had asked to see me but the visit created more confusion for the both of us.

"Have you decided what you wanted to order?"

"Um…" Naruto said and seemed so out of it.

_Was he expecting bad news?_

"I don't think I can eat."

He fumbled with the menu before he set it aside.

"I invited you out to eat for a reason. You need to relax," I told him and chuckled at his confused expression. "I thought you could use the change in environment."

"Yeah, it's just...why don't we talk first? How did your visit with Sasuke go?" Naruto asked impatiently as always.

"Very well," I told him as I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest.

I saw him gulp and I bit back a chuckle. Naruto had always been very expressive and sometimes I wondered if that's what attracted Sasuke to him. The fact that it was so easy to see through the blond. I doubted Naruto could lie even if his life depended on it.

"I'm not sure what his psychiatrist has told you but I believe that Sasuke's memory loss is self-inflicted."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what my brother has shared with you about his personal life but he had a traumatic experience that caused him to close himself off from everyone."

I stopped talking when I noticed that Naruto began to nervously play with his fingers. He looked down and bit his lip. It was easy to see that he knew something, something that even I didn't know.

"How long have you known?" Naruto asked me with restrained anger. He ceased all movement and looked up at me.

My eyes widened a bit at seeing him with an almost feral look. I put a hand up to try and mollify him as I spoke my next words.

"Please explain what you're referring to so I know for a fact that we are on the same page."

"I can't tell you what I know if I don't have any clue what it is you think you know."

I couldn't help but sigh at his words.

"You're being childish, Naruto. I don't want to tell you something that my brother hasn't spoken to you about. If I tell you something he isn't ready for you to know, your reunion might be affected by this knowledge."

"Pfft! As if your relationship with him hasn't already been tainted by it since you heard a second-rate truth from your mother," Naruto said with a furrowed brow and childish pout.

I was taken aback by his words. I knew because I saw it happen, that Sasuke had something against our mother but I didn't know the reason behind it until I read his journal entry. It wasn't until that moment that I understood what my brother meant all these years. But for Naruto to feel this way, it took me by surprise, to say the least.

"I had no idea you held any ill will towards my mother, Naruto," I said and watched him carefully.

His eyes widened almost comically and he shook his head.

"I do not wish anything bad to happen to her and I don't completely distrust her…"

"You don't trust my mother?"

This was all news to me. Usually, Naruto was very open but I never saw him treat my mother with anything but respect and kindness.

"I'm skeptical of what she says, yes."

"What is your reason not to trust her?"

Naruto sighed heavily.

"Sasuke was right, you truly are clouded by your mother."

"If you think that I follow her blindly, you are mistaken. My mother has her faults but she has never done or said anything to harm anyone —knowingly. You being the person she has the highest praise for, I find it odd that it's you who has nothing but malcontent words to speak of her."

"First of all, I don't know what that means!" Naruto said pointing at me.

I held back a chuckle and listened attentively. If I knew anything about Naruto, it was that he always spoke his mind. Especially when angry, he didn't hold anything back.

"Second of all, I had no idea she spoke highly of me and I have no idea why she would. And third of all, if you knew the things she has said and done to Sasuke, you wouldn't defend her either. And lastly, do you know how hard it is for me to listen to her trash talk the man I love? The things she says and insinuates," Naruto said and ruffled up his own hair in frustration. "I have never hit a woman but when she talks about Sasuke the way she does…"

"Thank you," I told him sincerely.

He looked at me with a shocked expression.

"For restraining yourself and never hitting my mother."

"Yeah, well," Naruto said with a blush and looked away embarrassed. "I hope I never have to."

"I'll remember to never leave you alone with her so that doesn't happen," I told him with a smirk.

"I do know how to control myself, you know," he said peevishly.

I nodded and waved the waitress over. I ordered us a couple of drinks so that he could relax a bit. It probably wasn't a good idea to talk about Sasuke with him riled up the way he was.

"So, look, I obviously know more about Sasuke than you thought I did. Why don't you just tell me what you wanted to say? I have a feeling that I can correct any misconceptions you may have."

"Very well," I told him and took a breath. "But maybe we should go somewhere more private. Especially since you refuse to eat."

"Sorry."

"It's fine," I told him in understanding and since I had placed my drink order only a minute ago, I called the waitress over and canceled it. I left a small tip and stood up to head out.

Naruto followed me to my place in his own vehicle.

Once we were inside my house, we made ourselves comfortable. I placed a pitcher of water and glasses between us before I took a breath to begin.

"When Sasuke was in the first grade…"

I had to stop because Naruto's eyes widened significantly.

"I take it you know."

Naruto nodded but he made a gesture for me to continue. I decided to do just that so he could tell me what Sasuke had shared with him.

"We didn't exactly live in the best neighborhood so it's sufficient to say that the kids at our school were little shits. I had been jumped by a group of boys a couple of times before Sasuke was bullied by a kid in his class. I remember finding Sasuke crying outside the cafeteria one day. I couldn't get anything out of him but the words 'he hit me.' Sasuke knew how to fight even at that young age so what he said and how he reacted made absolutely no sense to me.

"I watched Sasuke, his class specifically, after that. I found out who had made him cry and I gave that little shit a smack or two. I'm not sure how much time passed but I was jumped by a group of boys as payback. At that same time, Sasuke was also attacked. I found out when I was taken to the office after the fight I was in was broken up and I saw Sasuke's bully there looking more than a little disheveled. As soon as he saw me, he told me that he tried to save my brother.

"I asked for my brother but he wasn't in the office and I didn't find him at the nurse's office either. When I finally did find him, he was sitting in his classroom seemingly fine with nothing but puffy eyes from crying. Or so I thought at the time. I was dragged back to the office only to see Sasuke's bully and an older kid being escorted from the school by a police officer along with their parent who was in handcuffs and throwing a tantrum completely enraged.

"When my parents finally arrived, whatever incident I was involved in was not even addressed. I was sent home with my mother and my father arrived sometime later with a stoic Sasuke in his arms. My father, to my utter shock, had tears running down his face. I was sent to my room and my parents began to argue until the police came to the house. We moved right after that to the house where my parents live now. My parents, my father especially, would beat me, with my mother's blessing, if I ever brought up that day.

"My parents' reaction to whatever happened to Sasuke made me think that I should never speak of it with him. But I think I probably should have. I almost did when he became anorexic but he told me that my mother was the cause. I made sure he was eating again before I headed back to school and even had Jugo keep me updated so I knew if he relapsed. According to what Sasuke told me when I visited him, he turned to alcohol after that. And again, blamed it on our mother. But something tells me that it had more to do with what happened to him back when he was in first grade."

"So you don't know and your mother never told you anything?" Naruto asked me carefully and watched my reaction.

I shook my head and he sighed tiredly.

"From your question I gather that he not only told you but that it wasn't a repressed memory as I believed."

"He did tell me but it wasn't something that came out of the blue. Something triggered his memory and he turned into a sobbing mess," Naruto said and shook his head as if he was trying to rid himself of the memory. He took a breath and then chuckled which surprised me. "Did you know that Sasuke wanted to save himself for marriage?"

"Wanted to?" I asked with a smirk and Naruto had the decency to blush.

I shrugged.

"I didn't know that but from the bullshit our mother instilled in him, it doesn't surprise me."

"I'm glad you know it was your mother who put that in his head. When I finally realized that I was attracted to him and that he had been flirting with me since freshmen year, I asked him to be my boyfriend," Naruto said and then laughed.

It took him a while to settle down. He wiped his eyes and I watched him with a smile, my elbow on the table and my head resting on my hand. I had never heard about their courting. I was still in Pennsylvania at the time so I wasn't around to witness it first hand.

"He turned me down saying he wanted to present himself to God as pure as possible on his wedding day. Then he said he couldn't date me because God didn't accept homosexuals. I thought it was a bunch of bullshit he made up just to turn me down. So I went along with what he was saying and asked him a few questions to test him, you know. His answers surprised me; he was actually serious! He even invited me to attend church with him!"

"I remember our mother telling me that Sasuke helped two of his friends turn to God. So, you were one of them?"

"Yeah, but I only went to church so that I could spend more time with him. I didn't pay any attention and then when I finally did, I realized that what the pastor said had nothing to do with what Sasuke believed. I was a bit confused about that. But Sasuke wouldn't hear me out. Not until I asked your mother her thoughts on the subject and she repeated, verbatim, what he had been saying all along. I think that was when it finally hit him that he was simply repeating things she had said and not anything he had actually learned at church. So with the help of the youth group counselor, Sasuke finally figured out that what he thought was true was actually bullshit. That was when he finally agreed to be my boyfriend. I was more than happy about it since I had been waiting an entire year for him to finally 'see the light'."

I chuckled at his choice of words and the fact that he actually used quotation marks for emphasis.

Naruto shook his head.

"It was after that when he decided that waiting until marriage was even stupider than not being with the person you love because of gender," Naruto said and sighed.

It looked like he was suddenly very tired. I had no idea how much emotional baggage Sasuke had been carrying and how much he had passed on to Naruto to help him bear it.

"You're a smart guy, Itachi. I don't think I need to spell it out for you so that you figure out what happened to him in the first grade if what caused him to break down emotionally was finding out that what he had wanted to wait until marriage to lose had already been lost."

Unfortunately, it did take those last words for me to finally put two and two together. I couldn't believe that mother had tried to use what had happened to me as a fucking segue to get Sasuke to open up about his own experience. Worse yet was the fact that she was trying to find out who had hurt him. But if it had happened at school, how could it have been our father?

"From the look on your face, it seems you figured out more than what happened to him in school," Naruto said and sighed.

"More?" I asked and Naruto shrugged.

"I can't tell you something that not even Sasuke knows. But I know your mother does. Sasuke could never figure out who she was protecting or if it was herself."

"Naruto," I said through gritted teeth. "You're not insinuating that my mother…"

"I'm not insinuating shit! I'm telling you what Sasuke told me! Those were his words, not mine. I wasn't around back then. How would I know?" Naruto told me upset and reigned in his temper with a deep breath. "Sasuke doesn't even know. He only has suspicions. Even about what happened to him in first grade, it was merely speculation on his part. He only knows how he felt about himself. He doesn't have an actual memory of what happened. All I can tell you is that he was completely certain that Fugaku never touched him even though your mother tried to make him believe that Fugaku was the one responsible. Your father was the only person—at that time—that he completely trusted and at the same time was afraid would disown him if he learned the truth."

"I think I understand what it was he wanted to talk to me about."

"You mean when you went to visit him?"

"Yes," I said simply. "He's using a journal to help him regain his memory."

"Yeah, Hashirama shared his first entry with me."

"Why his first entry?"

"Because the first memory he wrote in it was about me. The first time he spoke to me."

"I see," I told him and smiled at him.

The doctor must've believed that it was some sort of breakthrough. I was happy to know that my brother remembered Naruto, now he only had to remember that he was married to the blond. If it hadn't been clear to me before, it was more than clear to me now, Naruto loved my brother more than he loved himself.

"I'm glad."

"I was relieved! I thought I was going to have to break into the treatment center as an undercover nurse to win his heart all over again. At least now, if he never remembers me as his husband, I could at least steal his heart as an old friend who has a long-standing crush on him."

"You would be willing to do that to be with him again?"

"Of course! You think something as stupid as him losing his memory will stop me from having him at my side where he belongs?"

I had to laugh at that. Of course, Naruto wouldn't give up. It wasn't in his nature.

I ended up telling Naruto about the conversation I had with Sasuke. I explained how Sasuke reacted when he found out about our grandmother and the fact that he had been married for eight years. I told him that he shared an entry with me that pertained to a conversation he had had with our mother and had wanted me to clarify a few things. I did add that I had cut the visit short since I didn't think either of us was able to handle more emotions.

Naruto seemed to take it well; a bit worried but otherwise okay. He seemed a lot less stressed than before. I wasn't sure if it was because he had unloaded a lot of Sasuke's baggage or if it was because he finally understood that whatever had caused my brother to have a mental breakdown had nothing to do with him or their plans.

I realized that I had made the right decision in choosing Naruto to express my fears of the entry Sasuke shared with me. Because I finally understood what it was that Sasuke truly wanted to know. Whether or not I remembered being molested and how it affected me. He wanted to compare it to his own experience so that he could finally close the book on all his doubts. Even though I knew that I didn't feel prepared to have that conversation with Sasuke. Not sober and definitely not alone. I was afraid of how Sasuke would react. It was best if Naruto was present to keep Sasuke grounded.

_Sorry Sasuke, but you're going to have to wait a little longer to have that talk. Because even though you think you're ready to find out the truth, you're not. And I'm aware that neither am I._


	13. 11th Journal Entry

I don't remember much of what happened freshman year. Other than schoolwork and simply just being bored at home. I rebelled against my parents for not allowing my friends to come over and stopped going to church. My father didn't seem to care but my mother tried to reach some sort of understanding with me. I ignored any attempt she made to get me to go. But it wasn't until sophomore year that I began to go to church again. It wasn't because my mother convinced me. I simply wanted to get out of the house to hang out with a new friend who my parents basically thrust at me. His parents had one condition that needed to be met by anyone who would hang out with their son; they had to be a churchgoer. But if I remembered correctly, it was my father who tricked me into meeting him.

"Sasuke," my father said to me as I was passing the living room.

"Yes, father?" I said inching into the room. I looked at him curiously since he seemed to be smiling...proudly?

"Do you remember the Fumas?" my father asked and I nodded.

The Fumas were a family that attended church with us until a few years back when I was twelve or something. They had four kids; the youngest, a girl, was a year younger than me. I couldn't remember her name, though.

"Vaguely...why?" I said and squinted my eyes. The thought that he was trying to set me up on a date sent a chill through me. Though, I probably wouldn't refuse since he was the one asking.

"Well, they remember you. And have nothing but words of praise to say of you," my father said with a puffed up chest.

"They must not know that I stopped going to church," I said and crossed my arms over my chest.

My father chuckled and waved his hand dismissively.

Now, I was intrigued.

"Okay...so what do they want?"

Father smirked and walked up to me putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I know it seems like they were trying to butter me up. But it wasn't the Fumas who called. It was someone who heard about our family, mostly regarding you and Itachi. And yes, he did ask a favor but not one I expect you to accept." He looked at me then and sighed. "Sit down, Sasuke."

I did as he asked and waited with bated breath to hear what he was about to say.

"Did you tell him already, dear?" mother said as she came out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a kitchen cloth. "We are so proud of you, honey."

I gaped not understanding.

"I partly told him," father said and politely asked mother to let us talk.

Mother nodded and walked away but not before planting a kiss on the top of my head.

I stared at her as she walked away until father cleared his throat. I turned back to face him and nodded.

"Your mother received a call from a woman named Karura who is a friend of the Fumas. After she spoke to your mother, her husband, Rasa, spoke with me. They are good people with a troubled son. Karura works for the same school district you attend, Sasuke. She is friends with the vice principal of your school and because of that, she will be transferring her son—with special permission from the vice principal—to your school. Since Karura heard nothing but good things about our family and especially of you, she asked if you could do her the favor of befriending her son to make sure that he stays out of trouble."

"Father, you can't be serious," I said completely shocked. "I mean, how old is he? Five?"

"I understand, the boy isn't a child. And I don't expect you to put a leash on him or for him to readily decide to behave…"

"Behave?"

"Gaara, their son, suffers from insomnia and tends to lash out violently. He was expelled from his previous school because he stabbed a classmate in the neck with a pencil…"

"Fuck," I muttered and I heard my father chuckle.

"It was a minor injury," he said dismissively. "Gaara has a hard time making friends and his mother is worried that if he doesn't know at least one person, he'll lose his patience and…"

"Kill someone?"

"From what his parents say that was a one-time incident. Aside from that, we all believe that you would be a good influence on him. But like I said, you don't need to accept if you don't think you can handle him."

I looked at father through slanted eyes. He was challenging me.

"Fine. But if he kills someone, it's all on him."

"Of course," father said with a chuckle.

I looked away suddenly feeling a surge of embarrassment for letting him bait me like that.

"He'll be waiting for you at the office tomorrow morning before school. Don't be late."

"Yeah sure," I mumbled.

I looked at him quizzically as he walked off. I didn't understand; he threw Suigetsu out of the house but, it was okay for me to hang out with a homicidal maniac? What the heck was up with that?

* * *

The following day I showed up to school twenty minutes earlier than usual.

"Sasuke, you're here early!" I heard Kiba shout from the courtyard.

I flipped him off for stating the obvious and kept walking. I wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone. I had fucking babysitting duties, dammit. I heard a few chuckles but I ignored them as I went into the office.

When I walked in I saw a redhead standing off to the side staring at nothing. I figured he was the person I was looking for.

"Gaara," I said softly and he turned to look at me.

He stared at me for a moment and then nodded.

"Uchiha," he said simply.

"Are you done here?" I asked him and he nodded so we walked out together. I only walked off far enough from anyone to speak without being overheard.

"Look, I don't give a shit what you do. You can hang out with me if you want but I don't expect you to. Just tell me whatever it is you want me to say to my parents or yours to get them off our backs."

I heard him chuckle and I looked at him in annoyance.

"What's so funny?"

"I thought you'd be different," he said and left it at that.

"You didn't exactly explain anything," I told him and waited for him to say more.

"From what I heard about you, it sounded like you were a little momma's boy that did everything that was asked of you. And I thought you'd get on my case," he said with a shrug.

I stared at him for a moment. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not but decided not to care.

"Whatever," I told him and saw him smirk. "Do you need me to show you where your first class is?"

"Sure," he said and handed me his schedule.

"Sasuke!" I heard Suigetsu call me from afar.

I simply lifted a hand to him and walked off with Gaara.

"The fuck! Where the hell are you going?"

"Who's that idiot?" Gaara asked.

I turned to look at him then turned away not answering.

"You're a freshman," I said and he frowned taking it as some sort of slight. "I'm a sophomore and so was that idiot. You won't have him in any of your classes. But if you decide to have lunch with me, he'll be there."

"We have the same lunch hour?" he asked curiously.

"Everyone does," I told him and showed him his first-hour class. I still had five minutes before the bell rang but didn't feel the need to stay with him any longer.

"Lunch then," he said while I was walking away.

I simply lifted a hand to show that I heard him and made my way in the direction where I had last seen Suigetsu.

* * *

"Uchiha," Gaara said in the middle of something Karin was telling me.

She abruptly stopped talking to glare at him.

"What is it?" I asked and stood up to walk up to him since it looked like he was about to walk away from us.

"Is there somewhere I can go to make a phone call?"

"Yeah, I'll show you," I told him and we turned to leave.

"But, Sasuke!" Karin complained and I heard Suigetsu make a sound of annoyance.

"I'll see you all later," I told them, my back to them, and we walked away.

Once we were out of their earshot I turned to look at Gaara with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't like your friends."

"Hn."

That was to be expected. But truthfully, I didn't think he'd get along with anyone.

"You should ditch them," he told me and I looked at him curiously. "I doubt your parents would approve."

I snorted and looked at him with a small smile.

"They don't. Father threw Suigetsu out of the house and forbid him from coming back."

"Uchiha," Gaara said dragging out my name, sounding amused. "You are the first bible nerd I know who's a rebel."

"Bible nerd?"

"You know, a churchgoer who abides by all the rules and knows the Bible backward and forwards."

"That's what you heard about me?"

"You make it sound like it's not true."

"I don't go to church."

"That's...impossible."

"Why?"

"My parents don't let me have friends who don't go to church," Gaara said and looked so worried that I laughed. "I'm serious. They think you go to church. Don't ruin this for me, Uchiha. I actually like you."

"What will they do to you if they find out I don't go to church, shave your eyebrows?"

We stared at each other blankly for a moment then we both burst out laughing.

* * *

Gaara didn't hang out with me at school. He spent his lunch hour on the phone with his girlfriend. He was still grounded for being expelled from his other school so he didn't get to see her and could only speak to her when he used the phone at school.

After school, we met up and walked to my house together since his mother picked him up from my house once she got out of work. He got along very well with both my parents. My mother would make him whatever he wanted to eat, spoiling him more than she ever spoiled me or Itachi for that matter. Even my father took a liking to him ever since Gaara addressed him as Don Fugaku. I had no idea what possessed him to do that but my father chuckled and seemed to enjoy it.

It was actually a very good thing that Gaara was on their good side because, since the very first week we met, I stayed at his house on the weekends. I'd leave with him on Friday when his mother picked him up and she dropped us off at school Monday morning. I didn't get back home until after school on Monday. I did, however, have to attend church with his family every Sunday but it was fine. I met the others from his youth group but since Gaara was still grounded we couldn't hang out with them even though his brother and sister were allowed to.

Kankuro and Temari, his siblings, were hardly ever home. They would have dinner with the family on Friday and then we'd only see them at breakfast on Saturday and Sunday.

Unfortunately, Suigetsu wasn't too happy that I was spending my weekends with Gaara. Between him and Karin, they gave me an ear full. Things spiraled out of control on a certain Monday when Gaara and I walked through the main gates together. Suigetsu, Karin, and Jugo were there waiting for us. I rolled my eyes thinking they were going to talk shit to me again but when Suigetsu turned his attention to Gaara, shit hit the fan quick.

Suigetsu was never one to measure his words before he spoke and he quickly riled up Gaara. The idiot suggested that the only reason I hung out with Gaara was that he was a cock slut and it was obvious he was talented with his mouth since I kept going back for more.

"Suigetsu," I said in warning but I was too late. I could feel the murderous vibe seeping out of Gaara. "Don't listen to him. He's an idiot."

"Why am _I_  the idiot, Sasuke? Just because I don't get on my knees to suck your cock?"

"Shut up, you fucking moron," I said at the same Gaara spoke.

"If that's truly what you believe then some rectifying of beliefs is in order."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Suigetsu said taking a few steps forward and all I could do was stand between them to try and keep the two apart.

"That I'm going to beat you to an inch of your life unless you get on your knees…"

"To what, suck your cock? I'd rather eat Karin's shit!"

"Eww! Gross Suigetsu!"

"To apologize for your heinous words!"

I shot Gaara a disbelieving look. Was he joking around? But his eyes were shooting daggers at Suigetsu and I realized that he was serious. I almost laughed at what he said but Jugo's movements caught my eye.

"Jugo, what do you think you're doing?" I said and had to block a punch he had directed to Gaara. "Ah, fuck!"

That was all it took for Suigetsu to sucker punch Gaara and I had to fight Jugo, seeing that he was not all there. And I had thought that what Gaara said was odd but what Jugo was saying was downright insane. He directed blow after blow at Gaara and I had to block them since Gaara was busy fighting with Suigetsu. I could see them once in awhile, they were evenly matched. I was the one struggling with Jugo. All I could do was block because I didn't feel it was right to hit him.

"Sasuke, if you don't knock him out, he'll kill you!" Karin said suddenly and tried to hold on to one of Jugo's arm.

Jugo elbowed her in the face and she went flying back a couple of feet landing on her back with a loud thud.

"Karin, goddammit, stay back!" I yelled at her and this time, I went on the offensive with Jugo. A blow to the head, hoping to knock him out but all I did was make him grin at me. Next thing I knew, he was coming at me full force.

"Jugo, get a hold of yourself!"

Suigetsu and Gaara were rolling around on the floor and a crowd had gathered around us. Someone had taken Karin, hopefully to the nurse. And suddenly, Naruto was standing beside me.

"What the fuck, Naruto?" I said and had to dodge a punch from Jugo. I grabbed Naruto's arm and pulled him back and away from harm's way.

"Don't get in my way!"

"Sasuke! We have to work together! This guy is too big for you," Naruto told me and I nodded.

"I only want to knock him out. He's sort of out of it at the moment."

"Yeah, he's a friend of yours right?" he asked while we were staying out of his reach.

I nodded then heard Suigetsu groan.

"We need to hurry!"

We both rushed at Jugo from either side and punched him at the same time, successfully knocking Jugo down to the floor. He hit his head pretty hard on the concrete but it was obvious he wouldn't be getting up soon.

Naruto grinned at me but I didn't have time to celebrate. I turned to Gaara and Suigetsu.

I yanked Suigetsu off of Gaara and the asshole tried to hit me.

"Suigetsu, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Oh, I'm perfectly fine, Sasuke. You're the one who's in the way. If I need to get through you to kick his ass, I will!"

"Get out of the way, Sasuke," Gaara told me. "I won't hesitate to go through you."

I knew he was serious but then so was Suigetsu. And they both came at me but Naruto was there again. He took on Gaara while I tried to convince Suigetsu to stop being a prick. It was his fault. His goddam big mouth got him and the others kicked out my house. If anybody should be mad, it should've been me. And it was with those thoughts in mind that I closed my mind off from rationality and just let loose on Suigetsu. Before I knew it I was over him and had successfully knocked him on his ass. He wasn't unconscious but he knew better than to get up.

"Naruto, it's over," I told him and turned around in time to see him and Gaara connect each other's fists on one another's faces. They both came down hard and I let myself fall into a sitting position.

I was panting but I didn't let that stop me from getting angry and telling them all a thing or two.

"Are you all happy now, huh? You fucking morons!"

"Why are you so mad, Sasuke?" Suigetsu said stupidly.

"Because you're my friends, idiot. Do you have any idea what you did to Jugo?"

"Sorry, Sasuke," Suigetsu said and actually meant it.

"And why the fuck did you let this idiot get to you, Gaara?"

"I don't like him," Gaara said simply and shrugged. He closed his eyes and wiped his mouth.

I heard Naruto start to chuckle. Without even realizing it my lips quirked up into a smile and then I was laughing too. Only Gaara would fight someone for the simple reason that he didn't like him.

"What's so funny?" Gaara said and peeked up to see Naruto sitting up and looking at me with an obnoxious grin.

"Nothing. It was a good fight is all," Naruto said and stood up. He held a hand out to Gaara to help him up. "We should do this again sometime."

"Moron," I told him with a smirk.

"All of you, in my office right this instant!" the vice principal bellowed and stalked off.

"Suigetsu, help me with Jugo," I told him and stood up.

"Naruto, you shouldn't have gotten involved," I told him and looked at him sideways as I placed an arm under Jugo to pick him up with Suigetsu's help. "Now you might get suspended along with these assholes."

"It doesn't matter," he said so sincerely that I had to swallow hard. "You needed my help and I wasn't going to stand around and let these bastards kill you."

"I could've taken them both," I told him and Suigetsu shot me an annoyed glare.

"Yeah, but this way we finished faster and no one," he said sheepishly chancing a glance at Jugo. "Almost no one got hurt. Whenever you need my help, just know I'm here. Alright, Sasuke?"

"Hn," I said and looked at his smiling face a little longer than I probably should have.

"Today!" the vice principal shouted and instantly we all moved in unison towards the office.

The five of us received a five-day in-house suspension and a note home for our parents to sign. Gaara received an additional two months of time to his already longer than normal grounding. Other than that, our parents seemed to take it well. I was still allowed to go over to Gaara's house and neither his parents nor mine treated us any different. It could've had something to do with the reason why we fought. The fact that Suigetsu and the others became jealous of the time I spent with Gaara. I imagined they took it to mean that I hung out with Gaara and not my former friends, who were in actuality still my friends.

The only outcome I didn't see coming was the fact that Gaara and Naruto became friends. I didn't know how I felt about that. I couldn't for the life of me understand why I felt jealous when I saw Gaara and Naruto from afar during lunch. I wanted to ditch my friends and sit with them instead but… It would be impossible for Suigetsu and the others to handle that without declaring outright war.


	14. 12th Journal Entry

There were times when I felt like I was missing out on experiences that everyone else around me was...enjoying? I'm not sure if that's the right word. I guess the best way to describe it is the sensation you feel when you see all the neighborhood kids playing out in the rain. You watch them kicking up puddles or just spinning around with their tongues out catching rain. From the way they smile and laugh it seems like they're having the time of their lives. But you're inside your house wearing cozy pajamas and have a cup of hot cocoa in your hands. You swallow the hot liquid and it warms your entire body. Still, you want to be outside playing in the rain with the other kids. The saying 'the grass is always greener' was proven time and time again from my cozy spot within the glass house mother provided.

It was Saturday afternoon and I was home alone on this particular day in my glass house.

My parents had stepped out to pick up Itachi and Yahiko from the airport. The last time I had seen my brother was a couple years back. Itachi had decided to take a break from classes. From what I understood, he had a year left of school. I wasn't sure what he was majoring in. I knew he had changed his major a couple of times. And that was the reason he would take summer courses as well. Maybe he had finally decided to stick to something. But all that taught me was that going to a university would not only be time-consuming but would completely take over my entire life. Not that I had much of one but I was looking forward to turning eighteen and moving out on my own. Being confined to a dorm room was not my idea of freedom. Two more years of high school and I was home free.

The doorbell rang and the sound brought me out of thoughts. I quickly made my way to the door and took a peek from the side window.

Karura was standing there and as I opened the door, I briefly wondered if Gaara was okay.

"Good afternoon," I said politely and she turned from looking down the street to me with a smile.

"Sasuke, it's so nice to see you. You haven't been over to our house for so long. Gaara spends all his time over here. It's time you come visit us for a change. We all miss having you around," she told me and I nodded even though I had no clue what she was talking about.

I hadn't seen Gaara since school ended three weeks back. I gestured for her to come inside. She looked around for a moment a bit confused.

"Where's Gaara?" she asked and looked at me expectantly.

"Why don't you have a seat while I go get him," I said smoothly and rushed upstairs while mentally cursing Gaara.

I grabbed my cell phone from my nightstand and called the asshole.

As soon as I heard him picked up, I whispered angrily, "Gaara, I don't care where the fuck you are but you need to get your ass to my house now! If you aren't at my house in five minutes, I'll tell your mother you were never here!"

"My mother is there?" Gaara asked sounding a little out of it.

"Hurry your ass up!"

"Yeah, okay. I'll—"

I didn't let him finish his thought, I simply hung up. I took a deep breath and walked back downstairs as casually as possible.

"Is everything okay?" Karura asked me.

I hated having to lie especially when I wasn't in on the lie, to begin with.

"He's fine. But he might be constipated. He's been in the can for the past twenty minutes." I shrugged and sat down.

Karura began to giggle.

"I offered him a suppository earlier but he wasn't too happy with the suggestion."

Karura began to laugh earnestly.

I offered her something to drink when her laughter died down but she refused. I told her I would get her some water regardless. I just needed to get away from her. My palms were sweaty. And I knew I wasn't so much nervous about Karura but angry that Gaara was lying about being with me when he preferred to be…

Naruto's face flashed in my mind but I shook my head.

Karura was looking around uncomfortably until she saw me return with a glass of water. I wondered what she was nervous about.

"My mother and father aren't home or I would've let them know you were here," I told her and she seemed to relax.

"Oh, that's okay. I'm sort of in a hurry. I wasn't even supposed to go to work today. But I figured since I was already on this side of town I'd pick up Gaara and ask if you wanted to come with us for week or two. Now that Gaara is no longer grounded, the two of you would be able to go out."

"Oh, I can't," I said lamely.

She nodded and waved her hand dismissively as if to say she wasn't offended. I had no idea why she would be but I figured I'd explain.

"My parents are on the way back from the airport. My brother came down for the summer. And I haven't seen him in a couple of years. If it wasn't for that, I would've accepted and I'm sure my parents wouldn't have minded either."

"I didn't know your brother was coming down. Gaara didn't tell me," she said with a slight frown.

"We didn't know until this morning. Itachi wanted to surprise us," I told her not knowing what else to say.

Of course, Gaara didn't know, we hadn't talked in ages.

"Oh, well that's wonderful!" Karura said and just then, Gaara appeared from the top of the staircase.

The asshole must've broken in through my window.

"Gaara, it's about time dear. Oh, I hope you don't need to go to the doctor."

Gaara looked more confused than I have ever seen him. But then he simply glared at me because I laughed. He looked flushed but it was probably from climbing up to my second story window. Serves him right.

"You said you were in a hurry," I reminded Karura since Gaara decided to be a mute.

"Oh, that's right! Let's go, dear. And remind me to give you a laxative when we get home," Karura said gesturing for Gaara to follow her.

"Laxative?" he whispered to me as he passed me up and I shrugged.

I walked them out and sighed heavily as I closed the door behind them.

"Fucking Gaara."

* * *

Later in the evening while we were all sitting at the dinner table, I finally gathered the nerve to bring up Karura. I waited until father and Itachi finished their conversation to bring it up.

"Mother," I said my voice low.

She looked up at me surprised. It had been a while since I began a conversation with her.

"Did something happen between you and Karura?"

"Oh, that woman," my mother said in an irritated tone. "Did she say something about me?"

My father sighed and shook his head. He threw me an annoyed glance.

"Who's Karura, someone from church?" Itachi asked but I ignored him.

"She didn't say anything about you. She stopped by earlier," I said calmly and my mother's eyes widened.

"She did?"

"She was on her way home from work. But she invited me to her place for a couple of weeks. I told her I couldn't go and she...seemed to think I wasn't allowed. I told her about Itachi's visit and she visibly relaxed. But I was curious to know if something had happened between the two of you," I said and she sighed.

"Is she keeping Gaara from coming down, is that why he hasn't been here?" she accused angrily.

"No," I said becoming annoyed. "Stop trying to change the subject. What did you do?"

"Then why hasn't he come over?"

"Because it's fucking boring here! It's like I'm permanently grounded! Gaara was punished for stabbing someone with a pencil and starting a fight with Suigetsu but what the fuck am I being punished for?"

"Sasuke," my father said in warning. He glanced at Yahiko who had already been privy to my outbursts so I didn't see why it mattered that he was present.

"She asked. And I don't care about any of that," I said wanting to believe my own words.

My brother reached towards me but I slapped his hand away. If I accepted any comfort it would be the same as admitting it bothered me.

I shook my head and continued.

"But she needs to understand that just because I'm used to it that doesn't mean that Gaara is okay with it. Now, mother, I'm not going to ask you again."

She sat there stubbornly, refusing to answer.

My father ran a hand over his face. I noticed his hand shake and figured I was upsetting him.

I pushed my chair back and threw my napkin on my plate.

"I've lost my appetite."

"Sasuke," Itachi said and tried to reach for my wrist.

I dodged him and picked up my pace to get to my room quickly.

* * *

I stared at my phone, debating whether or not to call Gaara. I wanted to wait until we saw each other in person but who knew when that would be. I saw that it was almost eleven and he wasn't allowed to take a call after ten. But right at that moment, I didn't care.

"Hello?" Karura answered his phone more than a little annoyed.

_Fuck._

"Karura, sorry for calling this late. I...need to speak to Gaara."

"Sasuke, why did you lie to me?"

"Excuse me?" I said calmly but inside my stomach was in knots.

_How the heck did she know?_

"We know Gaara wasn't at your house. Rasa was in the car waiting for me. He saw when Gaara was dropped off by a blonde and then climbed up to the second story."

Naruto dropped him off? So he  _had_  been with him?

I heard Karura sigh.

"I know you want to protect him. You're a loyal friend but I'm your friend too. Or at least I thought I was. Rasa and I are both very disappointed in you, Sasuke."

Well, fuck. What was I supposed to say to that? Apologizing might even be worse at this point.

"That's why I need to speak to Gaara. I had no idea that he lied to you about hanging out with me. In all honesty, I wasn't trying to protect him or lie to you. I just didn't want to be caught up in the middle of all this. Because...I do consider you a friend," I said and looked up when I heard soft footfalls.

Itachi had walked in and quietly sat on the edge of my bed.

"I see," Karura said and I heard some static over the line. She must've covered the mouthpiece.

I heard a few whispers and I turned to look at Itachi. He was studying his nails and I poked his thigh with my toe. He looked up and I raised an eyebrow.

"I can wait until you're finished talking to your friend," he said softly.

"Uchiha," Gaara said but his voice sounded scratchy as if he had overused it.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said and I heard him sniff.

_What the fuck happened?_

"I don't know how you convinced my mom to let me use the phone and give me privacy but you shouldn't have called."

"Why not?"

"I'll show you," he said and I heard some rustling.

Next thing I knew, I was receiving images and I gasped.

"Gaara."

"Don't you dare feel sorry for me, Uchiha!" Gaara said, his voice low but full of venom.

"I don't, asshole! What happened?" I said then covered my mouth.

I couldn't believe what I saw. He was covered in bruises. All over his thighs and arms...his face.

"The same thing that always happens. They get pissed and hit me. Then they ground me until the bruises disappear. I guess now that there's no school, they didn't need to hold back." I heard him chuckle humorlessly. "I got an extra beating for corrupting you. If they only knew that the bible nerd was actually a bad influence on me."

" _I'm_  the bad influence?"

"You're the devil who dresses up in the garb of a saint to fool everyone around you. I'm only a demon pawn who'd be willing to do anything just to make you smile."

"Shut up," I said with a blush and held back a laugh.

Gaara said the weirdest shit.

My brother looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

I cleared my throat.

"If you know how they are, what's the point in going against them?"

"I know it's hard for a bible nerd like you to understand this but the thrill is in the risk. And I don't always get caught. There are no risks in your life; you break your precious mommy's rules and all she does is make you feel like shit. Live a little, Uchiha. I don't know what's stopping you. You have nothing to fear but your mommy's judgment."

"Fuck you, asshole," I told him upset.

But maybe he was right.

"Who were you with?"

"My girlfriend and it was worth it."

"Is she blonde?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"Your dad was outside when you were dropped off, dumbass. He said you were with a blond," I said trying to sound as casual as possible. Though I really wanted to sigh in relief.

"Ah," he said and I heard a noise like maybe he threw something. "Wait. You thought I was with someone else."

"No," I said and even I could hear the petulance in my voice.

"Don't lie," he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. "You thought I was with Naruto."

"You're an idiot."

"I see the way you look at him—"

I promptly hung up on him. I'd deal with his teasing later. But right then, I had other things on my mind. Like his bruises. His parents really did that to him?

I thought back to his mom. She had always been very friendly and open. With Gaara, she was loving and nurturing. She was the same with me. I could talk to her about anything. There was no way I could trust her or even consider her a friend anymore. For all I knew, Karura had told mother the things I had said about her.

My head snapped up and my eyes widened when I realized what had happened between mother and Karura.

I turned when I felt Itachi's gaze. He was looking right at me.

I had forgotten he was in the room.

"Are you okay?" he asked curiously.

"How's mother?"

"She's fine. Maybe a little jealous," Itachi said and shrugged.

"Why didn't she tell me?" I said softly but I looked down ashamed of being caught gossiping about my own mother no less.

"I imagine, but this is simply speculation, that mother didn't want you to think you couldn't trust your friend," Itachi said and I looked at him surprised. "I suppose, she simply wants to be the one you turn to but she doesn't want to force you."

"She's a hypocrite," I said and gritted my teeth.

Now I finally understood why Gaara's siblings were hardly ever home. I wouldn't want to be home either with monsters for parents.

"Sasuke, are you referring to our mother?"

"No," I told him but I didn't feel like talking about it anymore.

I grabbed my phone and deleted the images Gaara had sent me. For some reason, I felt an obligation to hold on to that secret for him. I seriously doubted that he wanted anyone to know.

"Because of what your friend told mother or is it something else?" Itachi asked carefully.

"Karura isn't the person I thought she was," I said and left it at that. "Was there something mother wanted you to tell me?"

"Yes, but there's something I wanted to say as well," he said and I nodded. "Don't feel guilty about having expressed yourself about mother. I'm glad that you did and happier still that mother heard what you had to say."

"Why?"

"Because mother needed to hear it. She would have ignored your feelings if it was you who told her. I think it made an impact that she heard it from someone close to her own age who also happens to be a mother. Though it upset her at the time, she has come to the realization that she was wrong."

I choked on my own spit.

Itachi smiled and patted me on the back.

"What did you say?"

"Mother is aware that she was wrong," he said and paused. He grabbed my foot and shook it. "Our parents have decided to give you a little more leeway with a set curfew. So long as you inform them where you're going and who you're with, you're allowed to go out. But first, mother wants you to accompany me to Konan's house."

I was taken aback and lost in my own thoughts.

But then the last thing he said hit me.

"Why do we have to go to Konan's?"

"You know how cryptic mother is," he said with a shrug. "Get some rest. We're having brunch at their house tomorrow."

* * *

After brunch, I was sitting at the kitchen table with Ajisai's mom. She was holding a baby while talking to me. The baby—to my utter surprise—was Ajisai's. She had given birth to him earlier in the year. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I hadn't seen her at all the past school year; neither at school or church. 

Ajisai was washing the dishes and I couldn't stop staring at her. She looked so frail.

"I finally got her back," her mom said and I looked at her confused.

"Ajisai ran off with that boy. Even after she had the baby, she stayed with his family. But look at her, they didn't feed her. I thought she was too thin before but now…"

"Mom," Ajisai whined embarrassed.

I turned to look at her and she just smiled. I didn't say anything. What could I say?

"The baby looks just like him," her mom continued.

I looked at the baby and shrugged. I had no idea who Ajisai had been with.

"You know him, he went to your elementary school," Ajisai said and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Kabuto," her mom said and I gaped at her.

"The father is Kabuto?"

And now that I looked at the baby, I could see the resemblance. They had the same eyes and face shape. I reached for his hair and rolled it with my fingers. It was lilac; a combination of Ajisai's purple hair and his silver.

"He's a prick."

"Ajisai, you see! Even Sasuke knew that. God, I'm so happy you finally saw him for who he truly was."

"I'd be stupid if I hadn't after he hit me like that," Ajisai said and actually laughed.

I don't know what the hell came over me but I stood up suddenly, my hands in fists. I wanted to go after him.

To kill him.

"Oh, Sasuke. Sit down, honey," Ajisai's mom told me with a smile. "I'm glad to know there is at least one man who would defend my baby. But don't you worry, Kabuto is behind bars."

I sat down and let out a huff.

I heard Ajisai laugh.

"Gah! It's not funny, Ajisai! Kabuto could've killed you without remorse."

"She knows that, honey. She's just trying to deal with it in her own way," Ajisai's mom said and cooed at the baby.

I could hear Konan and Yahiko laughing from the front porch. Itachi was with them, catching up I suppose. I looked around and realized that someone was missing.

"Where's Fuyo?"

Ajisai turned to look at me with a sad smile and her mom sighed heavily.

"She's in a juvenile center. But, she'll be home before school starts up again."

I nodded and decided not to pry. I could see the dark circles under the woman's eyes. She was getting wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Her age and the circumstances were catching up to her.

"I should've been a little more strict with these girls. I gave them so much independence. I really regret it."

"Mom," Ajisai said turning off the water and wiping her hands. She came up to her mom and moved her blonde hair out of the way to squeeze her around her shoulders. "It's not your fault. I thought I was in love. Even if you would've locked me in the house, I would've found a way to escape."

Then she laughed.

"Oh sweetie, I know but I'm your mom. The fault will always be on me," she said and then took another look at the baby. "I love this baby but I hope you don't bring another one into the house for a very long time."

"Mom!" Ajisai said embarrassed and then laughed. "Don't worry so much, I don't plan to look at another guy ever again."

I snorted and Ajisai looked at me mouth agape.

Then her mom began to laugh and before I knew it so was I.

"I'm serious!"

We laughed harder.

On the drive back home, I realized why mother wanted us to visit them. She wanted me to see the consequences of being too independent. And I learned that even though I wanted to play in the rain, I was safest inside my glass house. Because in the end, those kids could come down with the flu and I wouldn't have to suffer.

But then there was still that niggling thought that Gaara had conveyed.

It really was worth the risk, wasn't it?


	15. 13th Journal Entry

As soon as my parents gave me the green light to come and go as I pleased, I was out the door. I didn't really have anywhere to go since I had only been to Gaara's. Not to mention, I didn't have a car and I wasn't about to ask Itachi for a ride especially with no destination in mind. But I didn't want to look like a loser and stay home. I could already foresee Itachi's teasing and that would be doubly embarrassing in front of Yahiko whose eyes seemed to follow my every movement.

I mentioned it to Itachi one day because it had started to get on my nerves. Itachi simply laughed and said that Yahiko thought I was hot. Then he added, "I'll castrate him if he touches you. He's already been warned." I'll have to admit that seeing that side of Itachi sent a chill down my spine. I remember backing away from him slowly until he was no longer in my line of sight. There was no reason to stay home with that pair of freaks at home.

For the first couple of weeks or so since my metaphorical prison chains were removed, I'd been hanging out with Shikamaru. I was lucky that I had kept his number from when he gave it to me while we were in junior high. His mother had answered the first time I called since it was their house number but since then he'd given me his cell. After lunch, I'd text him to see if he wanted to hang out. He always answered the same way and I couldn't help snickering at his responses.

**Hey Shika, want to hang out?**

**sure. why not**

**Shika, is it okay if I go over?**

**sure**

**Let's catch a movie today.**

**sure. why not**

So it was no surprise that he replied with a 'sure. why not' when I asked if he wanted to shoot hoops. I did wonder if he had his cell set up to automatically reply for him. I wouldn't put it past him, he was the laziest person I had ever met.

When I arrived at his house, I texted him so that he knew I was outside since we'd be heading to the park. He replied 'yeah. okay' which I had already expected. It seemed that those were the only five words in his texting repertoire.

He walked out of his house with Choji in tow. When I asked for the ball, he said that Kiba was going to meet us up at the park and that he was bringing one.

"Does he know that I'm coming?" I asked curiously.

Ever since the day I twisted his nipples, he had tried to get me back. But the end result was always the same, Kiba pinned to the ground and wailing in pain. He claimed that his nipples were going to fall off if I kept twisting them. Yet, he didn't relent his random attacks of vengeance.

"Yeah, and he said he's going to wear his sister's padded bra for protection," Shika said and I snorted.

"Like that'll help."

As soon as we arrived, I saw Kiba standing beside Shino. I couldn't help but zero in on his chest. I had to bite back a laugh since he was definitely wearing a padded bra.

Choji snapped a picture.

"Kiba," I said with a smirk.

Shikamaru and Choji were snickering.

"Uchiha!" Kiba said frowning and crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm getting my revenge today!"

"You don't say."

"Erm, Kiba, where's the ball?" Choji said cutting off his next words.

"Why didn't you say Shino was coming. Now, we're uneven," Shikamaru complained.

"No, we're not. Naruto is coming and he's bringing the ball," Kiba said proudly.

_Naruto was coming?_

"We're teaming up against Sasuke!"

"Hn," I said and smirked.

Now that was something I was looking forward to. If I remembered correctly, the two of them were on the basketball team but so were Shikamaru and Choji.

"How long do we have to wait? I could've taken a longer nap," Shikamaru complained and yawned.

I poked him on the forehead and he groaned in complaint.

"No sleeping."

Next thing I knew, I was falling over and taking Shikamaru down with me.

"Uff!"

I landed on my hands and knees just barely missing Shikamaru's knee to my crotch.

"Ow, fuck!" Shikamaru complained.

His head had hit the ground with an audible smack.

"Oh, Sasuke, I'm so sorry!"

I heard Naruto say behind me.

"I was running and I saw Kiba and I tripped and…"

"Shut up, moron," I told him annoyed and got up slowly.

My knees were scraped since I was wearing basketball shorts. I helped Shikamaru up and we both threw an annoyed glance at Naruto.

"I'm really sorry, you guys," Naruto said scratching the back of his nervously. "It was Kiba's fault! Honest! What the fuck are you wearing, dog breath?"

"Padding to protect myself from purple nurples!" Kiba said and Naruto laughed loudly.

"You're such an idiot!"

"Whatever, let's play! Shirts against skins! Sasuke, your team is skins!"

"Kiba, you fucking moron. It's only six of us. There's no need to play that way!" Shikamaru complained.

He sounded grouchy most likely from a headache the fall had caused.

"It's fine," I said and grabbed the hem of my t-shirt to take it off. I pulled the shirt over my head and threw it to the side. I heard an audible gulp beside me but didn't turn to see who it was. "I'm the one he wants to see half-naked."

"Snap out of it!"

I heard Shikamaru say behind me then proceeded to smack someone.

"Ow!"

I heard Naruto complaining.

"I don't want to see you naked!" Kiba complained. "It's just easier to play shirts against skins!"

"Right," I said with a taunting smirk. "And it has nothing to do with the fact that you want your fingers on my nipples."

"Stop making it sound dirty!" Kiba said with a very noticeable blush.

I laughed then when I saw Shino trying to hold back his own laughter.

When I turned towards Shikamaru, I noticed a red-faced Naruto standing beside him.

_Had I really made it sound that dirty?_

"You and Choji are on my team," I told Shikamaru and gave Naruto a shove towards Kiba.

* * *

Kiba's back was pressed against my chest and he was trying his best to block me. He had his arms down, surrounding my hips, and I knew I could easily go right over the top of him to step inside. But I had something else in my mind. While Naruto was trying to get around Shikamaru's long arms and Shino couldn't stop Choji from catching my rebound, I slipped my hands in between my body and Kiba's and quickly unclasped his bra. Before Kiba could react, I had already wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pressing his body against mine and slipped a hand under his shirt. I let my fingers hover over a nipple.

"Kiba, this is what you wanted all along, isn't it?" I told him, my mouth close to his ear.

I felt him shiver and tense.

"No, Sasuke! Please!"

"Beg harder," I whispered.

By then the others had stopped what they were doing and turned to face us.

Shino and Choji were already chuckling.

Shikamaru blew out a bored breath.

Naruto seemed torn between helping his friend and laughing his head off.

"Come on, man! Please!"

"I don't think I heard you correctly," I told him in a low voice and circled my finger around his nipple.

"Hahaha," Kiba laughed involuntarily then forced himself to get angry. "Stop playing, man!"

"That I  _can_  do," I told him and twisted his nipple.

"Aah! Fuck!"

"What was that?" I asked and twisted harder.

"Son of a bitch!"

"Come on, Sasuke," Naruto told me taking a few steps towards me. "I know he's an idiot but have some compassion."

I let Kiba go and he dropped to the ground in a sitting position. He whined and caressed his chest.

I walked up to Naruto, leaving only a couple feet of space between us.

"You think he'd be compassionate if he got his hands on me?"

Naruto bit his lip and looked away sheepishly. "No."

"He's a big boy," I told him with a smirk and turned to look at Kiba who was glaring at me. "He can take it."

"Fuck you, Uchiha!" Kiba said sounding like a kid throwing a tantrum.

I let out a nasal laugh.

"Are we going to keep playing or not?" Shikamaru complained but the corner of his mouth was turned up.

Everyone turned to look at the still fuming Kiba. He pulled his shirt off and balled up the bra, tossing it as far as he could.

"Fine. Let's play."

We all laughed at him as he angrily put his shirt back on.

"Aw, come on, Kiba. You looked so cute with it on," Choji told him.

Kiba simply knocked into him with his shoulder as he passed him up.

"Naruto, we're switching! You take Uchiha," Kiba said and went to take point by Shikamaru.

"Alright," Naruto said with a shrug. He turned to look at me and blushed. "You don't have to keep playing like that, you know. You can put your shirt back on."

"Do you find my bare chest distracting, Naruto?" I said softly so that only he could hear.

I took a few steps towards him and he took a step back. I smirked at him. I grabbed his arm and closed the distance with my face in his.

"Sasuke, what are…?" he was asking when my phone rang.

I let go of his arm and walked towards the pile of our things that we had left on a round metal picnic table off to the side.

"Itachi," I said as I answered the phone already having seen it was my brother who was calling. "What is it?"

" _Go home,"_ he said simply. " _I'll meet you there in half an hour."_

"Tch!"

"What's the matter, Sasuke?" Shikamaru asked when he saw me putting on my shirt and gathering my things.

"I gotta go. Later," I said and walked off quickly.

_What the fuck did Itachi want?_

* * *

**Therapy Session**

"Sasuke, you look more relaxed than I've seen you in recent days," Hashirama said soon after I sat in his office.

I relaxed my posture and leaned forward, arms over my thighs.

"The last time we spoke, you chose not to talk about your brother's visit. Are you feeling better about what the two of you talked about?"

"Hn."

"And he told you about your father?"

"Yeah," I said simply and sat up.

"Your father woke up yesterday and is giving the staff at the hospital a hard time," Hashirama said and actually chuckled.

"What do you mean?" I asked quickly wanting to know what happened.

Even though Hashirama's countenance was proof enough that I shouldn't be alarmed, I needed the reassurance.

"He's been trying to break out of the hospital since he woke up," he said and chuckled again.

"I thought he had a broken hip," I said confusedly.

"He does and had surgery because of it. But he feels caged in. As soon as he woke up, he rid himself of anything that was attached to his body and tried to walk out. But he didn't get far," Hashirama said and sighed.

I was looking at him wide-eyed just feeling completely stunned.

"In the end, they had to place him in restraints to keep him still. And somehow, he was able to convince a nurse to smuggle him some alcohol."

"I thought he went through detox," I said still reeling from the image of my father causing a raucous at the hospital.

"He underwent detox successfully but addiction takes root in the mind, not the body. As you know, Sasuke, sometimes the power of the mind is much stronger."

"Hn."

"Your mother hasn't told your father about what happened to you," Hashirama told me and it seemed he was being careful with his words. "He isn't aware that you had some memory loss or that you're in this facility. So as you can imagine, he has asked for you."

"Is there any way that I can see him?"

"Yes, you're not confined here. You can check yourself out anytime you wish. I don't see any reason why you need to stay any longer than you already have. I believe it will be beneficial for you to get out and become accustomed to what your life has become."

"But what if I can't remember?"

"You are remembering, Sasuke. The proof is in that journal of yours. However, you're currently in control of what it is you remember. But there are things you won't remember until you experience it again. It's like riding a bike, you never forget. Your memories are in there," he said pointing at his own temple. "You simply need to start peddling."

"I don't think I'm ready."

"It's okay to be scared, Sasuke."

"Tch!"

"Let's give it a try. Go see your father then go home. If you don't feel comfortable there, come back here."

"Home? I don't even know where home is."

"You don't have to depend on yourself, Sasuke. There are others willing to help you. There's someone waiting for you, right outside that door."

"Who?"

"The same person you wrote about in your first entry."

"Naruto?"

"Yes," he said with a slight nod. "I shared the journal entry with him. He's been seeing a therapist so that he could help guide you through this next step. If you allow him to do so that is. He is willing to drive you to see your father and to introduce you to your home. And as I said before, if you feel that you are not ready and wish to come back here, you may. What do you say? Are you willing to at least give it a try?"

"Yeah," I said sounding calm even to my own ears.

However, my hands were sweaty and I could feel my knees trembling.

"Are you sure?"

"No," I told him sincerely and then added. "But I'm willing to give a try."

"Good," Hashirama said and then picked up his phone. "Mabui, please send Naruto in."


	16. Extra III

**Naruto POV**

I was sitting outside of Hashirama's office waiting patiently. I wasn't sure why he had asked me to come down but I figured it was to update me on how Sasuke was doing. I wondered briefly if it had anything to do with Itachi's visit. For some reason, I felt like there was something Itachi wasn't telling me. But then again, when it came to that guy, it was always the same. He was more cryptic than his mother. But I could tell that he loved Sasuke and wanted the best for him.

The only other reason to have me come down was to talk about Fugaku. I wasn't sure if Sasuke knew that his father was in the hospital but if he didn't, I'd tell Hashirama to tell him today.

Fugaku waking up and causing utter chaos was something I had not expected. Between Itachi trying to control his father's fits seeing that the nurses seemed to be in over their heads and me being stuck trying to calm the nervous wreck of his mother, well he had an exhausting evening. But when I stopped by this morning and having to see Fugaku tied to the bed like that, it just hit me pretty hard I suppose. I know I shed a tear or two and then Fugaku the man who I had always seen as a rock teared up too.

When he asked for Sasuke, I wasn't sure how I was supposed to keep it together. Mikoto lied flawlessly, though. And it scared me a little to know how good she was at it.

I had never caught Mikoto in a lie. But I knew there was something wrong with the way she talked to me. She watched with cunning eyes for my every reaction. I could swear that she decided what she was going to say next depending on how I reacted to her previous words. But all it did was make me wary of her.

"Mr. Uzumaki," called Mabui, Hashirama's assistant.

I looked up, her voice had brought me out of my thoughts, and smiled at her.

"You may come in now."

"Cool, thanks!" I said as I stood up.

I made my way to the door and as soon as I walked in, I saw the back of Sasuke's head. I missed my step and tripped. I ended up falling on one knee, one hand on the ground and the other gripping the back of Sasuke's chair. I actually pulled him back some so that his chair was leaning on its back legs.

"Moron, do you ever watch where you're going?"

"Sasuke," I said breathlessly. But it was more because he was talking to me the way he always had.

He knew who I was and that I was a bit clumsy. Not on purpose! My brain simply didn't coordinate with my limbs when I was around him.

"Let go of the chair or do you need help?" he asked and now he was smirking,

He had turned his head back to make eye contact with me.

"Bastard!" I said and shoved his chair forward.

"I see you haven't changed much," he said but I could see his eyes taking in every inch of me and I slowly stood up. "Hn. You're taller."

I simply gaped at him.  _Taller?_  I hadn't been short since high school.

"Naruto, so good of you to come," Hashirama told me to snap me out of my stupor. "Have a seat."

I did as he asked and then Hashirama proceeded to tell me what he and Sasuke had decided. How today would be the day I was going to take him home, to our home. Although from the way Hashirama was talking, Sasuke still didn't know that I was his husband. I knew that I was supposed to ease him into that knowledge slowly.

Basically, what the therapist had told me was to show him the house as if he were a guest to see if it triggered his memories. I was nervous about it. It was one thing for me to be told this is how you should act—avoid saying or doing this and be patient and understanding—and another for it to actually happen as it was supposed to.

I wanted to get him home, to have him by my side again and in our bed. But was he really ready? I wasn't sure. I only hoped that visiting Fugaku wouldn't hinder any progress he'd made so far.

* * *

"I know that you don't have to do this," Sasuke said suddenly while we were on the way to the hospital.

I knew he was trying to thank me for going out of my way to do something like this for a friend. But if he only knew what he meant to me then he would understand that I was doing this just as much for me as I was doing it for him. We were in this together after all, if he suffered so did I. And I never wanted to see him the way I did the day I found him completely broken.

"It means a lot."

"It's no problem, Sasuke. I would do anything for you," I told him.

From the corner of my eye, I caught sight of him turning to look at me with his mouth slightly agape.

"Just remember I'll always be there for you if you need me."

"Hn," I heard him say and he chuckled a bit. "You haven't changed."

"Neither have you, not really," I said and turned to look at him with a small smile.

"That's surprising because I don't know who I am anymore," he said with a shrug.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," he said and looked out the window.

I didn't know what he was thinking but he looked so lost.

"Hey, isn't this…?"

"The old mall, yeah," I told him and turned to look at the abandoned buildings. It looked so desolate and alone.

"What happened?"

"Hmm, I don't think I'm the best person to explain this but there was something like a um...financial crisis?"

"Financial crisis?"

"Yeah, basically banks fucked up and people lost their homes and jobs. Businesses had to downsize or close their doors. It sucked for a while. But things are better now."

"Sucked, huh?"

"Yeah, balls."

I heard him snort and then start to chuckle.

After a while, I felt his gaze on me but I kept driving like I didn't notice. For some reason, I felt like he needed privacy to look at me because it felt oddly intimate.

* * *

We walked into the hospital lobby and we ran into my parents as they were leaving. I wasn't sure if Sasuke remembered them so to avoid any confusion on his part before my mom rushed him with a hug, I introduced them. I could tell that my mom was struggling with her self-control. But they knew that Sasuke had lost his memory and from the way he reacted when I introduced them, it was obvious that he didn't remember them. When I hugged my mom goodbye, I thanked her profusely in a hushed tone for keeping her cool. When I pulled back, I had to wipe a few tears away. And I was hoping that Sasuke hadn't noticed.

"I'll call you later or something," I told both my parents a bit awkwardly before I turned towards Sasuke.

"I would've never guessed that your mom was a redhead," Sasuke said and I felt him lightly brush my hair.

I closed my eyes at the sensation. He took encouragement from that and did it a few more times. I lost myself in the feel of his fingers in my hair.

"I wonder what you would look like with red hair."

"Heh," I said and he quirked an eyebrow.

I pulled out my cell and quickly went through my pictures to find the one I was looking for.

"Exactly like this."

"I like you better as a blond," he said with a smirk then his eyes narrowed. "Is that Gaara with you?"

"Yeah! We switched hair color for the day. I think he makes a good blond, don't you?" I asked him with my eyes on the picture but when I looked back up, Sasuke was already walking ahead. He seemed mad about something. "Hey, wait up!"

I had to run to catch up to him. When I finally did, I grabbed his arm so that he would turn around to look at me.

I noticed how angry he was so I asked him, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing," he answered petulantly and turned away.

"It almost looks like you're jealous," I said as I watched him carefully.

He blushed at my words and my eyes widened.

"Sasuke! You're jealous!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said and turned to look at me with his brows furrowed.

I grinned at him.

"Why are you so happy?"

"Because I used to have a big crush on you."

"I still do."

That took me by surprise. Not that he hadn't always been blunt but when it came to his feelings it was another matter altogether. Well, until we got older. But I knew I should roll with this and see where it got me. Because even though he couldn't remember, I'd make him fall back in love with me for sure!

"Sasuke, what I feel for you now is a lot deeper than a crush."

He stared at me in disbelief but then he shook his head.

"It doesn't matter because I'm married."

_He knows he's married? But does he know...?_

"Do you know who you're married to?"

He looked away and then back. His brow furrowed deeper.

"No."

"Then it won't matter if I kissed you," I said and I closed the gap between us. "If your spouse doesn't know, it's not a big deal."

"It is to me so, just drop it," he said and tried to take a step back.

I still had a hold of his arm and refused to let him budge.

"I don't think I can. Not after what you told me," I said not taking my eyes away from his. I gently cupped his face and leaned in to kiss him.

He pulled back and groaned.

"Do you know what you are?"

"Tell me," I said and smiled at him encouragingly.

"You're my forbidden fruit," he said and gently pushed me away. But his fingers lingered and gripped my shirt like he didn't want to let go.

He had a stronger will than I did. Because even if things would've been different and he  _was_  married to someone else, I wouldn't have let go.

"Let's just leave it at that for now."

I didn't say anything. What could I say? We stared at each other for a moment. And then when I had finally quelled my need, I nodded and gestured for him to follow. I simply needed to bide my time. His feelings for me were still there and that's all that mattered. Hopefully, when we finally made it home, he'd at least remember something. Until then, I was cursed to be the person he thought he couldn't have.

I should've been happy that even though he couldn't remember he was married to me, he still fought to remain faithful. I'm sure he knew deep inside exactly how much I meant to him even though he wasn't able to place my face against those feelings yet. We were both quiet as we rode the elevator up. I could feel the tension emanating from both of us but there was nothing I could do about it.

"I like fruit," he said out of the blue.

When I turned to face him, he was inches from my face.

"Especially the forbidden kind."

That was all I needed to hear. I crushed my lips to his, a bit desperately at first. Tasting his lips as if it had been years since the last time we kissed. But I slowed down my pace when I realized he hadn't reacted. I moved my lips slowly over his and pulled away.

"Just follow my lead, Sasuke. Don't think."

I kissed him again, a press of lips before I opened my lips to do it again. Slowly, once, twice, three times, until I felt his lips moving against mine. I could feel his fingers on my chest, gripping my shirt with so much need that I felt my hands tremble in excitement. I cupped the back of his neck as my other hand lingered on his waist. My thumb drawing circles to encourage him to continue. His kisses were tentative almost as if he had never kissed anyone before.

The elevator dinged but I didn't dare separate him from me. It wasn't until we heard someone clear their throat that Sasuke flinched in my arms.

I loosened my hold and he about pushed me away.

"Itachi," Sasuke said nervously.

"Little brother, I was expecting you," he said with a smirk.

I was grinning at Itachi wildly and Sasuke had a mean blush. One I had never seen him sport.

"Not exactly attached to Naruto's face but—"

"Itachi!" Sasuke said shutting him up but making him chuckle at the same time. "It was a moment of weakness. Just...don't tell my husband, okay?"

"Alright," Itachi said a bit confused and watched Sasuke stomp away in a hurry.

As I passed him up, he grabbed my arm and leaned in close to whisper in my ear.

"He doesn't know that you two are...?"

"No," I told him and sighed.

"I see," Itachi said easily and smiled at me. "Let me take him in to see father. Wait for us in the waiting room."

"Yeah, sure."

* * *

Sasuke hadn't said another word to me from the time we left the hospital. I figured things had gone okay since he wasn't angry or sad. He was simply devoid of any emotion. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Itachi had walked us to the car and gave Sasuke a hug before he left us on our own. I tried to ask Sasuke how his visit went but he didn't answer in words. He'd simply grunted a few times then he pulled out his notebook. He began to write in it furiously.

Ten minutes later, he was still writing but his strokes had become faster and almost angry. He grabbed his head with his right hand while he wrote with his left. There were a few times that he scratched through what he wrote and then all of the sudden he shouted. It was an animalistic shout. He threw his journal and pen to the side and then gripped his head tight with both hands.

"Sasuke! What's wrong?" I told him and tried to squeeze his shoulder. His entire body was tense, almost coiled. "Talk to me, dammit!"

I pulled over into the first parking lot I found.

"Sasuke, what's wrong?"

"They're coming too fast!" he shouted and then he began to curse and kick. He hit his fists on the dashboard and his thighs.

I grabbed his wrists and held them tightly.

"I can't lose them! I don't want to lose them!"

I wasn't sure what he was talking about until the journal caught my eye. Nothing he wrote made any sense. It was a group of words he stringed together that had nothing to do with one another as if he was changing subjects every few words. Then it hit me, his memories. They were bum-rushing him. I felt his body tighten and he tried to curl into himself. And then he began to cry, it was so raw and powerful that it scared me. 

_What the fuck was I supposed to do?_

I held him tightly to me and whispered words of praise to him. I didn't know what else to do. I was told that this might happen but why did it happen now. Why couldn't we have made it home first? After twenty minutes that he hadn't calmed down and was still sobbing so hard it was heartbreaking, I called his psychologist.

In less time than I could have thought possible, Sasuke had been sedated and returned to the facility. 

I didn't leave. I stayed right by his side the entire night. The next morning, Sasuke didn't wake. Hashirama said he had mentally exhausted himself and told me to give him a few days. It was Itachi who convinced me to leave before I finally did that following evening. But all I did was go home and lay in bed. 

Eventually, I fell asleep and when I woke, it was to a soft caress.

My mother was sitting on my bed treating me like her little boy once again. So I did exactly what I did when I was young, clung to her like my life depended on it.

"Mom," I said and sobbed in her arms.

"It'll be okay, sweetie. He'll come back to you soon," she said as she caressed my hair and I even though I knew she was right, at the moment that hope simply wasn't enough to console me.


	17. 14th Journal Entry

Nothing I wrote made any sense. I wouldn't be able to decipher any of it even if I tried. Because as soon as the rush of memories, images, and overall sensory overload came, it was gone. But now I know that they're a part of me even though they're a little out of reach. They're opaque memories with blurry faces, vague backgrounds, and lackluster senses at best. I can't help but presume that perhaps I was simply passing through my own life as if I'd seen it from afar instead of actually living it. I had been in a haze every day and was never truly awake.

I have yet to experience life anew with fresh eyes and alert senses. Like my first kiss from my forbidden fruit. I would've never known how sweet it tasted until I tried it for myself. I don't regret what was done and I don't feel the need to explain myself. I do however hope that that moment which felt like my first kiss overshadows my previous first and the one prior to that. I never wanted to remember my first kiss. The memory was too painful and tainted with an ugliness that no child should ever have to experience. But that was then, Naruto is my present even if it was a feeble moment. I will cherish his kiss for the remainder of my existence.

But I feel the need to jot down the kiss that I had come to believe was my first for so long. My hope is that once I write the memory of it in this journal, I could seal it within it forever. Along with my actual first kiss. I hate that of all the memories that flooded me that particular one chose to remain. But I know what it is, it's a key and all I have to do is turn it. Except, I don't want to do it alone. Because what awaits me on the other side can't be anything short of a harrowing experience.

I will take it slow, one memory at a time. The way they revealed themselves to me albeit far too fast when they did.

I can't help but take a deep breath to prepare myself. But here it goes…

...

You readers out there must understand that I can't simply dive into the moment it happened without recounting the events that transpired beforehand. It's funny that the last memory I jotted down in my previous journal actually ties into what I'm about to recount.

I was at the park with a few friends when I received a call from Itachi in which all he told me was to go home. And I remember how upset I was on the walk home for reasons that I can't quite recall. 

When I walked in my house, Yahiko was sitting in the living room looking a little nervous. He told me to shower and get dressed as quick as possible because Itachi was on his way to pick us up. I thought it was odd but did as he said. As soon as I was ready, Itachi came to get me. He looked calm but I could see the anger in his eyes.

"Itachi, what happened?" I asked feeling more than a little nervous.

"Mother and father were in a car accident. They're at the hospital."

My eyes widened with an irrational fear.

"Don't worry, it wasn't more than a concussion and maybe a broken bone between the two," he said and smiled but then he was angry again.

"So they're going to be okay?" I asked.

Itachi then grabbed me by the arm and practically dragged me down the stairs as he explained what happened.

"Yes. They had just finished all their grocery shopping. But on their way home, father passed a red light then swerved into oncoming traffic. They're very lucky that they survived," Itachi said and seemed to take a deep breath.

"Father probably blames mother for dragging him all over town looking for the best deals," I told him and he looked at me as if he was measuring his next words.

"Yes, I'm sure he does," he said cryptically.

I knew right then that he was keeping something from me but I didn't ask. He wouldn't tell me regardless.

Yahiko stared at him and it seemed as if he bit his tongue to not say something as well. But I didn't give that much thought.

Next, we all got in the car and made our way to the hospital.

Once we were at the hospital, I did see that both my parents were okay. They were being kept overnight simply as a precaution because they both had concussions. I noticed that mother had a cast on her left arm. Nobody said anything about the accident itself and I decided not to pry. But mother convinced Itachi to teach me how to drive so that I could take her grocery shopping in father's stead. Apparently, she had decided she would never get into the car with him ever again.

Itachi did as mother asked but he took turns with Yahiko. We would go out for a quick drive until they deemed me drive worthy. Even though I didn't have a license and Itachi was home, I began driving mother every Saturday to get groceries. I have to admit that it was a pleasant experience regardless of all the gossip I was overwhelmed with. And yet again, father was away; out of town for work. I found it odd since he hadn't gone out of town for some time. But like I did with everything else, I simply decided not to pry even though I missed him.

I remember one evening, Yahiko had convinced Itachi to take me with them. I had never tagged along on their outings and I really didn't care to be around Itachi's friends. But for some reason, Itachi thought it would be a good idea. Perhaps because the summer was almost over and they would be heading back to school. 

We were heading out when mother stopped Itachi, telling him that he needed to go to dad's office and fax some paperwork for him. Apparently, it was something important. Itachi agreed and we made our way downtown to the office building where father worked. We parked in the employee underground garage but I decided to stay in the car. It would take awhile to get to his office and to find whatever it was that father needed. I felt a little sleepy as well since I had spent the entire day with mother. But when Yahiko offered to stay with me and I simply shrugged. However, Itachi looked at us curiously as if he were trying to decide something.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Itachi asked me once again.

"Yeah, I'm tired. Just go, and hurry up," I told him.

He nodded at me and gave Yahiko a pointed look.

"We'll be fine," Yahiko said with an easy smile.

I frowned at him but then just let it go. I rested my head on the backrest and closed my eyes.

After some time had passed, I felt Yahiko become a little restless. He kept adjusting his position and then reclined his seat. I watched him suspiciously after that. I wasn't sure what he was up to. He took a deep breath then another. My eyes were suddenly drawn to his body. I watched his chest rise and fall. He gripped the material of his jeans a little roughly. I felt my lips part and I began to breathe a little deeper. I felt warm all of the sudden as if the air in the car was being sucked dry. So I took a deep breath to try to calm myself down.

I knew Yahiko had heard me when he placed a hand on his chest and took a deep breath almost as if to mimic mine.

"I need you to talk to me, Sasuke," he said almost breathlessly.

_What the fuck?_

I didn't say anything.

He moved the rearview mirror so that he was looking right at me.

"Please, Sasuke. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to say," I said simply but my eyes were drawn to his lips.

I saw him smile.

"Hmm. Well, tell me. Do you have a girlfriend?" Yahiko said with a playful smile.

"No," I said but now my eyes were on his.

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" he asked his voice lowering.

He was watching me carefully.

"No."

"How about a boyfriend?"

"No."

"But there has to be someone you like. Do you like someone, Sasuke?" he said with a smirk.

My gaze was back to his mouth but I didn't answer.

"I bet you've kissed lots of boys and girls."

"I've never kissed anyone," I told him more than a little annoyed.

_What was he getting at?_

"Nah, I don't believe you," he said sounding amused.

"Think what you want," I told him and looked away towards nothing.

"You're serious, aren't you?" he asked but now he had turned around in his seat and his face was a lot closer.

I shrugged hoping it came off as if his closeness wasn't affecting me.

"Aren't you curious?"

"No," I said and then turned to look at him for a moment. I realized what he was getting at and I smirked. "Why are you asking, Yahiko? Is it because _you_ want to kiss me?"

He looked surprised for a split second then he grinned.

"Fuck yeah, I do!"

"What are you waiting for then? Itachi will be back any minute," I told him but I didn't think he'd actually do it.

I assumed he'd chicken out at the mention of my brother. But Yahiko did the opposite. He reached for the back of my neck and slowly drew me towards him. He was smiling the entire time. His face turned serious suddenly and as I was looking at him, my lips parted involuntarily. It was then that he leaned in and carefully pressed his lips to mine. I heard him chuckle and he pulled away slightly.

I frowned at him feeling confused. I had hardly felt anything.

"Sasuke, you need to kiss me back," he said and then his smile turned soft. He leaned towards me again. He whispered softly, "Let your lips do what mine do."

Then his lips were pressed back on mine and as they moved so did mine. It was gentle and his lips were soft. I felt his breath heating up. My entire being was warm and excited.

"Open your mouth."

Confusedly, I did as he asked and then I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I squeezed it with my lips for a second, stalling its entry into my mouth before I let my tongue mingle with his. I heard him groan and I tried to pull away, but he held me tightly. His mouth opened more and automatically so did my own. I moved my lips with his and allowed his tongue to slide over mine. It suddenly felt harder to breathe. I was hot and it felt like the air in the car was thicker so I pulled away from him in need of fresh air.

I was panting and I smiled at him. I had always been afraid to be close to someone like that. All in all, that had been an exhilarating experience. One that I was willing to try again.

"Wow."

I heard him say and I looked down suddenly embarrassed. I wasn't sure why.

"Are you sure that was your first kiss?"

My head snapped up and I looked at him a bit confused.

"Why would you say that?"

"That was a very good kiss for it being a first," he told me and I felt my eyebrows furrow.

A fleeting thought of being asked in the third grade if I had ever kissed anyone was suddenly at the forefront of my mind. 

I was no longer in the car with Yahiko. I was sitting in my art class with my third-grade class. We had been placed in groups of three to make paper mache crafts. Tayuya and Jirobo were in the same group with me. But I could see Kimimaro clearly from the table adjacent to ours with his own group and my eyes kept darting over to him. I was always watching him. Drawn to him for some reason I couldn't comprehend at that age. But Tayuya's and Jirobo's conversation forced my attention back to them.

"I don't believe you. Why would anyone want to kiss you?" Tayuya was telling Jirobo.

"You're just jealous because you've never kissed anyone," Jirobo said smugly.

I didn't say anything. I felt a little nervous actually. I wasn't happy with their subject of choice.

"Yes, I have," Tayuya said angrily.

"A  _french_  kiss?" Jirobo said with a taunt, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Liar! You've never frenched kissed anyone," she said becoming more upset but it was obvious that he was telling the truth even to her.

"I did this weekend," he said with a proud smile.

And if I would've been anyone else, I would've been happy for him. But instead, I felt sick.

"Sasuke," Tayuya called to me.

I turned to face her and saw Kimimaro and his group looking over at us from the peripheral. The conversation had attracted their attention as well.

"Have you ever kissed anyone?"

I shook my head to say no almost mechanically. And I saw her smirk at me.

She didn't believe me.

I wouldn't have either. I was looking like a scared rabbit denying a truth that I had wanted to keep hidden.

"Have you ever  _frenched_  kissed anyone?" she asked and now her voice sounded like she was teasing me.

My eyes wandered to Kimimaro who was looking right at me. He wanted to know the answer too. And I didn't want him to think I was dirty. Not him. I shook my head quickly after that. And deep down I was hoping that Kimimaro would believe me. But he didn't. He looked down disappointed and turned away from me. Jirobo and Tayuya laughed and began to argue with each other again.

I shot out of the chair and asked to go to the bathroom.

I wanted an escape from the conversation. From the lie. From the disappointment. And from the truth all at the same time.

And suddenly my mind was thrust back to the first grade. To the school that I had wanted to forget ever existed. I hated everything about that school. We were never supposed to be there. But when my father left us, mother was forced to move in with one of her sisters. My aunt had problems of her own however and mother found us a place where the three of us could live. It was an apartment complex set up by the city. A safe haven for single mothers who had suffered from domestic abuse.

It wasn't a bad place to live actually. There were plenty of kids our own age there. Itachi and I played with them every day. It was fun and I remember breaking out of my shell soon after we arrived. Kabuto lived there as well but at the time, he had been fun to be around. We had been good friends but then our father came back for us. He had made plans with mother to meet up with us at a park. We had a picnic and then he told us he had found a better place for us to live.

It wasn't better.

We moved into a townhouse that was smaller than any other house we had ever lived in. Itachi and I had to share a bedroom that was only big enough to fit a twin size bed. I suppose it was better than sleeping on the living room floor at my aunt's house. But the apartment where we had lived in previously had been furnished and had plenty of space, I had even had my own bed not to mention my own room. And I clearly remember being mad at father for not bringing our toys with him. The ones we had been forced to leave behind when we couldn't live with him anymore.

Being in a new neighborhood meant we had to change schools. The first day of school, I quickly introduced myself to the kids around me and began to talk to them. I wanted to have lots of friends like I had had at the apartment complex. But the teacher wasn't happy with me especially when she asked me to be quiet more than once and I ignored her. I think I was simply too excited to be around new kids and not that I had done it deliberately. But my classmates began to tell me to shut up and that was when I noticed that the teacher was angry.

The teacher called me up to her desk and I went to her shamefaced. I had never disrespected an adult before so I was embarrassed by my own behavior. When she asked me to hold out my hands, I simply did as she asked. I hadn't expected what she did next. She smacked the back of my hands with a ruler. If it hurt, I don't remember. I only remember being shocked. I stared at her with wide eyes filled with terror. She seemed to become angrier at my reaction and pulled out a paddle. She turned me around and I flinched at the impact. I had definitely felt that. It burned and pain shot up my spine and down my little legs. But I didn't allow a single peep to escape my throat. I had only squeezed my eyes. She pushed me then, angrily telling me to take a seat. I walked back slowly and painfully to my desk. I stood beside it because I was afraid to sit down. But she ordered me to sit and I had no choice. I only remembered wincing when I did. 

When I looked up, I saw a pair of gray eyes staring at me. I looked at the boy, he was sitting in the corner of the room.

A timeout chair.

He was grinning wildly at me. I didn't understand why until the days that followed.

That kid was always in trouble. If he wasn't in timeout, he was doing something that would guarantee his return to it. He turned his attention to me immediately after my first day. He began to throw things at me and would hit me as he passed by my desk.

I ignored him.

I didn't want the teacher who had spawned from hell to be angry at me. The other kids tattled on him for me. He would get a timeout. But his timeout chair was moved to the corner closest to my desk. It was almost as if the teacher wanted him to keep pestering me.

At recess, that boy would start a fight with anyone who would play with me until eventually, no one did. I spent my recesses atop of the monkey bars to stay the furthest I could from him. Because I knew that the day I hit him back, I would be the one to get in trouble and for some reason, I didn't think that I'd get a timeout.

But everyone has their limits and I had reached mine. I returned every blow that kid gave me and would be paddled for it. One day I waited for the teacher to turn around and I pushed him as hard as I could, he hit his head on the porcelain sinks outside the cafeteria. When the teacher helped him up, he was bleeding from his eye. But he said he tripped. The teacher shot me a look but she couldn't punish me for something she had no proof of because luckily no one tattled on me. Even when the teacher asked, all my classmates said that he had tripped on his own.

I received a bit of a reprieve from the kid's constant bullying after that. But I was stupid to think it was over. He took me by surprise after lunch one day. I walked out of the cafeteria and made my way down the stairs. I was heading towards the primary playground. But a hand grabbed me as soon as I cleared the last step and I was dragged under the staircase so quickly that I got dizzy. Then I was thrown against the brick wall, hitting my head against it and I felt dazed for a moment. It was only a moment but it was long enough for my bully to take advantage of it and pin me to the wall. Next thing I knew, his mouth was crushing mine.

It was a forceful kiss. A mashing of lips and teeth and tongue. It didn't feel good especially when my head was being pressed painfully against the brick wall behind me. I tried to struggle but it didn't make a difference. I felt a desperation I had never experienced take over me because I couldn't do anything. So I gave into the moment and let this kid continue to force his tongue into my mouth.

It was then that I remembered giving in like that before. I didn't want to remember the sensations that my mind was supplying. I felt like scum and like I deserved everything that had happened to me. But I wanted it to stop and I had nothing else to do but cry.

So I did.

I cried into my bully's mouth. He pulled away and stared at me curiously for a moment. He reminded me of a dog that stares at something with their head cocked to the side. That was the look the kid was giving me.

I was staring at him waiting for him to do something else while I was crying my eyes out. Suddenly, he began to laugh and ran off leaving me there all alone. 

Though I couldn't say how much time passed before my brother found me.

"Sasuke, what happened?" Itachi was suddenly beside me gripping my shoulder.

I cried harder because he was witnessing something that no one should. And he would know that I was sullied. He hugged me to his body and I sobbed all over him.

He asked me again and again what was wrong. Until I finally said something to him so that he would stop asking.

"He hit me."

Though that is all that pertains to my first kiss, there is more to seal away in my journal. But I can't make myself think about it today. No, today I will forget that kiss. And I will forget the one Yahiko gave me. And I will only replay the memory of Naruto's kiss over and over until I am able to forget the others.


	18. 15th Journal Entry

It's two in the morning. A nightmare woke me up. I could've sworn that someone was looking at me. But when I turned on the light, I only saw that the door to my room was slightly ajar. I closed it and made sure it was locked. I didn't even want to think of the possibility that someone was in my room. I was glad the nightmare woke me but I would've woken regardless. I had always been a light sleeper. Something that dated back to my childhood when mother would make her rounds at night. A flashlight shining in my eyes would wake me. I don't know when she started to do that but she would say that a noise woke her so she would go around the house, scouring every corner to see if there was an intruder. 

When I was in high school, I figured out there was another reason. She wanted to make sure I was still in my room and that I hadn't snuck out. At least that's what I told myself. I didn't want to consider another reason. But I couldn't say that I ever had a good night's rest.

The nightmare itself made me remember a time I crashed out at Konan's family house. She had thrown a going away party for Itachi and Yahiko. A few weeks beforehand, Konan and Yahiko had become a couple and I was the last to find out. Watching them hold hands and making out made me angry for some irrational reason. And I remember sneaking into Fuyo's room that night, knowing full well she wasn't home. She was out with her parents that day so I lay on her little twin size bed and just stared at the ceiling. I was actually more upset at myself than Yahiko because it had been my fault that he'd lost interest in me. We had kissed then I turned around and completely ignored him.

Though Itachi never found out about the kiss he did come into my room one night telling me that Yahiko had fallen for me. He even told me he didn't understand how since I hardly gave him the time of day. I was glad Itachi hadn't found out what happened between me and Yahiko. But it worried me that he would support Yahiko.

"I thought you said you'd castrate him if he touched me," I told him slightly annoyed.

"That was when I thought his intentions were simply lecherous in nature. I've never seen him like this. He's actually hurting."

I snorted and saw him smile amusedly.

"How do you know they still aren't? He's probably only suffering because he needs to get off."

Itachi began to laugh and it made me laugh too.

"Isn't he like four years older than me or something? Shouldn't he be with someone his own age?" I said and Itachi shrugged. "According to mother, Hana dumped Konan so she's single now. You should hook him up with her."

He looked at me a moment then said, "So, you won't give Yahiko a chance?"

I shot him an annoyed glare.

He shrugged nonchalantly letting me know he didn't care one way or another.

I supposed that was his way of giving me permission. As if I needed it.

"I don't know. Maybe I would've if I wasn't already dating someone."

"Who are you dating?" Itachi asked and sounded a little offended. Maybe he thought I was supposed to tell him about it first. Or ask his permission.

"Iwashi something," I said with a shrug.

"Iwashi Tatami?" he asked surprised.

I nodded.

"Sasuke, he's my age. So that makes him six years older than you."

"Really? He seemed younger," I told him and shrugged.

Itachi looked worried suddenly.

"Mentally maybe, he was a senior for a minimum of three years."

He was quiet for a moment. And I wasn't sure what I should say. 

"How long have you been dating him?"

"Two weeks," I said easily. I noticed his keen eyes on me and pushed his thigh with my foot. "Don't worry, we only talk on the phone."

"How did you meet?"

"At the park," I lied easily. I had actually met him when I had gone out with him and Yahiko. Iwashi flirted with me for a bit and the next time I saw him, he was a little bolder in his advances. I wouldn't tell Itachi that but decided to tell him the truth about everything else. "We made out, he asked me out, and we've been talking over the phone since then."

"Doesn't he want to see you?"

I looked at him carefully. I didn't understand. First, he was mad I was dating him and now he seemed upset that I never saw him.

"Maybe but he probably just wants a quick fuck," I said with a shrug.

Itachi chuckled and ruffled my hair.

"You should break up with him."

"Nah," I said and smirked. "It gives me an excuse to say no to all the other losers."

Itachi laughed and stood to walk out.

"I just hope Iwashi doesn't come crying to me with a broken heart. I have enough with Yahiko."

Even the memory of that conversation annoyed me. My last thought was that I didn't really want Yahiko anyway before I fell asleep on Fuyo's bed. That was when a nightmare overtook me but it didn't wake me. It had felt so real that I thought it had been happening right then. Usually, I forget my nightmares but that one in particular always stayed with me even though it woke me. And yet somehow that nightmare had been different from all the others.

I was shrouded in darkness. Someone was with me but I couldn't see the person. I could only smell and hear and feel. For some reason, I knew it was a man and the word father was the one my mind was supplying to identify him. But it wasn't my father, I knew his scent and voice and this person was different. Perhaps it was someone else's father and I couldn't remember. He was whispering in my ear but I couldn't understand what he was saying. His breath lingered and heated my ears and neck. I squirmed uncomfortably because of his closeness.

I groaned when I felt a hand on my groin. But I didn't move away. The sensation felt good. I had never felt that before. I had no idea what it felt like for someone else to touch me. Then I squirmed again because the thought of liking that this man—whoever he was was—was touching me and that I was allowing it made me feel sick.

But the nightmare soon began to change. The voice became softer and instead of being touched I was caressed carefully almost lovingly. I started to breathe harder, faster; shallowly. And I felt a heat spread in my lower belly. My member was being squeezed with a heat I had never felt before. I tightened my eyes and craned my neck. I couldn't move my body, my arms were pinned to their spot. Even if I wanted to rid myself of the pressure that was over me, I couldn't and I desperately panted until I felt my body release. I groaned loudly and breathed fast, trying to catch my breath. And for some reason, I felt so alone and scared. The presence of the other person had disappeared and I began to cry.

I could feel my body trembling and my lips quivering. Tears streamed down my face and then I felt hands on me; stroking me, adjusting me.

When I was finally able to move my body, I realized I was stuck between two realities. One of suspended consciousness in which the world is simply a dream and that of consciousness of which we are aware of our surroundings. What I had just experienced had been a dream. Or a nightmare. But I had been waking up slowly and lethargically. And now I was panicking. I couldn't stop tearing up and hiccuping. I curled into a fetal position hoping that I could wake fully.

Then I heard someone calling my name. The voice was soft and melodious. It reminded me of someone.

"Sasuke." 

I heard again but this time louder.

I squeezed my eyes before I opened them completely. The light had been turned on and I had to rub my eyes for a moment.

"Hey, are you okay? Why are you crying?"

I squinted at the speaker and realized it was Fuyo bent over me. I groaned and rubbed my eyes again. I sat up slowly as I looked at her. I thought about what she said and I frowned.

"I wasn't crying," I said defensively.

_Had I really been crying? Wasn't that part of my nightmare?_

"It's okay to cry," she told me and her eyes began to blink rapidly.

I had always thought that she blinked like that because she was nervous but it was just a tick she had. I looked at her seriously and shook my head.

"I know that. I meant that I wasn't really crying. I was having a nightmare," I told her and her eyes widened.

It was almost funny and I smiled. I had never seen her eyes stay open like that before. I moved the lock of hair she always had over one eye to see her face fully.

"I thought you were awake," she said and shifted uncomfortably.

I felt obligated to release her hair.

"Why? Did I say something? It was a strange dream," I told her.

She looked down and away from me nervously.

"No. I just thought you were awake. But then you didn't answer so I thought something was wrong. That was when you started to cry."

"How could you not tell I was sleeping? It doesn't make sense," I said and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Your eyes were open," she said and looked at me a little frightened. "Maybe you were possessed. I heard that can happen."

"No!" I told her quickly and stood up. "That's some creepy shit, Fuyo."

Then she started to laugh and it pissed me off.

"I was just fucking with you."

"Hn."

I let out a relieved sigh and made my way to the door.

"I'm sorry I took over your bed."

"It's no problem," she said and looked down, she was playing with her fingers.

"Aren't you going to join the party?"

"Um, yeah, okay," she said happily and walked out with me.

"I didn't really have my eyes open, did I?"

"I don't know, the lights were off," she said sounding amused.

"Right," I said and sighed.

I was glad that I never experienced a nightmare like the one I had had that night. Lucky for me, Fuyo had been there to wake me. But I can honestly say that I truly hate nightmares. 

Unfortunately, they were assaulting me with more frequency. Maybe it was a memory that was trying to break free in my subconscious since I couldn't remember while I was awake. If I could only tell my mind that I only needed a little more time, would it listen?

* * *

**Impromptu Visit**

I walked into the visitor lounge and looked around. I wasn't told who had stopped by for a visit. There was a male nurse on duty on the weekends and he was a bit of a jerk. He simply popped his head into my room to inform me I had a visitor. I figured it would be Itachi but I didn't see him. A head of blond hair caught my attention, though. I walked towards the blond. He was sitting down and looked nervous about being there.

"Naruto?" I said surprising him.

He stood up quickly and then turned to face with a smile.

"Hey!"

"Hn."

We stood there staring at each other. I didn't really know what to say. I was surprised he had come to visit me and grateful that what had happened when we were together hadn't scared him off. I took in every inch of him. And I could feel his gaze on me doing the same. It felt almost too intimate to be doing so in front of others.

"Let's go to my room."

"Ah, yeah, okay," he said nervously, a shaky hand running through his hair.

I smiled at him. He was always so honest even with his reactions. It was refreshing.

As we made our way to my room I felt the overwhelming desire to take his hand in mine so I did. He didn't pull his hand away. Instead, he seemed to tighten the grip. We walked up to my door and I let him go in before me.

"What made you come by?" I asked as I leaned back against the door once I had closed it.

He stood there stupidly in the middle of the room for a moment. He looked at the chair near my desk and then my bed and sat there.

"I wanted to see if you were better."

"Is that the only reason?" I asked amused and his eyes widened.

A small blush spread across his cheeks and then he shook his head.

"Well, yeah?"

"You see that I am. So is that it, are you leaving now?"

"Uh, do you want me to leave?" he said and sounded a little pitiful to tell you the truth.

I shook my head and he sighed in relief.

"Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"No, not at all. Ask away," he said and smiled.

I moved towards the bed and sat beside him. I shifted sideways with one knee bent so that I was looking at him.

"Why are you really here?"

"I was worried...that you'd forget about me again."

"I forgot you? When?"

"Before you came here. I went to visit you at the hospital and you didn't recognize me," he said and looked down.

I noticed that he swallowed hard. There was no reason he would react so strongly if he were simply a friend of mine. Not to mention the fact that Itachi knew him as well. And I couldn't remember Naruto ever coming to my house and Itachi hadn't been around while I was in high school, except for a few breaks here and there. So when would they have met? It didn't make any sense.

"Who are you to me, Naruto?"

"What do you mean?" he asked nervously.

"You know exactly what I mean," I told him, my voice a little harsher than I intended. "The only clear memories I have are from the age of sixteen down so you must excuse me for not remembering if we were ever close friends or not."

"You don't remember anything after high school?"

"The memories are there but they're fuzzy. I don't know how else to explain it," I told him and he smiled at me.

"It makes sense to me. That's how my memories from when I was a kid are."

"Hn," I said with a smile. "Then I envy you."

"Why? I would love to remember what I was doing when I was a kid. My parents said that I had a dog once, we even have a picture of him. But I can't remember that at all. And I must've been five or six at the time." He shrugged and then scratched his cheek.

"Not even pictures help you remember?"

"No, but you never know, maybe they'll help you."

"You think?"

"It's worth a try," he said with a shrug.

"Do you have any pictures of the two of us together?"

He grinned at me and nodded. He took out his phone and began scrolling through his pictures.

"The picture of you and Gaara together... Are the two of you…?"

"Gaara's my friend, Sasuke," he said softly and put his hand on my knee, giving it a slight squeeze. 

The butterflies that assaulted my stomach were ignored though I maintained eye contact with him while praying that I didn't blush. I almost let out a sigh of relief when he removed his hand.

"You don't need to worry about Gaara."

I nodded and he scrolled through his pictures.

"Are you looking for anything specific?"

"Yeah," he said and then handed me the phone. "That's us at graduation."

I smiled at the picture.

"Hn. I was still taller than you there."

"Bastard!" Naruto said and snatched the phone from my hand.

"I was still looking at that."

He frowned as he scrolled through the pictures and then he handed me the phone.

"Where are we?" I asked as I looked at the picture.

I was sitting on a sofa and he was behind me, grabbing my shoulders. Naruto didn't answer and I continued to take it in. I was wearing a suit and he was wearing a tie under his sweater. He wasn't smiling like he normally did. It was strained as if he was nervous about something. And I had a small smile on my face.

"You said you didn't like that picture."

I said it so easily as if I had known everything about that day all along.

"I know, we had to take a few more," he said and chuckled but he didn't say anything else. 

Then what I had said hit him and he looked at me wide-eyed and gasped.

I wiped my tears away and punched him.

"Sasuke…wha...?" he said sounding dazed but he stayed down, splayed across the bed.

"Idiot! Why didn't you tell me?" I said upset and straddled him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said looking at me for any sort of confirmation that I had figured it out.

"I really hate you right now."

"Sas—"

I didn't let him finish. My mouth was over his and I was kissing him the way I should've in the elevator. I know I hadn't given him the best kiss but I was making up for it now. I heard him groan in my mouth and I had to groan as well. He held my hips tightly and I gripped the comforter for support. But I began to tear up again. I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes.

"I don't remember how it happened. I just know that you're my husband. I'm right aren't I?"

"Yeah," he said and then grinned at me. "I can't believe you remembered."

"But I don't remember anything," I said upset and I angrily wiped my eyes.

The fucking tears wouldn't stop.

Naruto grabbed my hands.

"Let it happen, Sasuke. It must mean something to you that you found out. It's okay to cry. You don't have to push your feelings away."

"I don't feel anything, Naruto! Don't you get it! I don't love you!"

Naruto gave me a crooked smile full of understanding. I felt something like tension over my heart and my hand automatically went up to my chest to rub the area for relief.

"You do feel something, Sasuke. Maybe not in your mind but here, you do," he said and placed his hand over my heart, having moved mine aside easily. Then he carefully wiped my tears away. And I saw that he was tearing up too. "I love you, Sasuke."

"Don't say that," I said and shook my head. But a warm sensation was spreading across my entire body. "Give me some time."

"All the time you need—"

I placed a hand over his mouth to cut him off and then I heard his muffled laughter. I let go and he reached for my hands.

"Why'd you do that?"

"I... It seemed like you were about to call me babe," I said sheepishly and looked away.

I felt the rumble of his body before I heard him start to laugh earnestly.

"I don't have a death wish."

"Hn."

I looked at him with a small smile. 

Naruto.

Naruto was my husband.

Suddenly my entire world had adjusted and settled until everything just fit into place. And though I wasn't entirely sure who I was, I had at least found my rightful place.


	19. 16th Journal Entry

One thing was knowing I was married and an entirely different one knowing that I was married to Naruto. The significance of that knowledge was nothing short of prodigious. In every sense of the word. It was a mystery to me why my mind was blocking Naruto out, although not entirely.

Naruto felt the need to leave my side to allow me rest when murky memories began to assault me. But not before telling me that we should go on a date. Our first date had been a double date, Naruto had said. I tried to remember it until my head throbbed in pain. And I realized, it wasn't time to remember. I needed more time. Maybe experience this new first date.

First date.

My mind repeated the phrase and it bombarded me with memories of a first date. Not one with Naruto and I but something completely different. Something I had misinterpreted. A platonic date with Gaara that ended being anything but.

It happened my junior year. I had taken a drawing and painting class with Sai and Suiren. The three of us sat together apart from the rest of the class and it seemed like the rest of the class pretty much left us alone. Because Sai was Sai and Suiren was hostile. We had finally buried our hatches, Suiren and I. We had reached a truce since it was pretty obvious neither one of us was actually vying for Ajisai's love. Suiren was simply an overprotective friend and after what happened with Kabuto, she realized I would've been the lesser of two evils.

Every time I walked into the classroom, I made my way to the last table where Sai and Suiren awaited. Along the way, I would get a whiff of a sandalwood perfume that would force me to slow down my pace. It assaulted my senses and gave me a sort of buzz. My lips would part, my breath would become heavier, and a warmth would settle in my lower belly forcing my balls to tighten with a sexual arousal I was more than familiar with. By the time I made it to my seat, away from the perfume, all I had to do was take a few deep breaths and I would be good. Other —not so lucky— days, I would have to ask permission to go to the bathroom.

The boy's bathroom was a terrain that I was most familiar with when dealing with my teenage hormonal needs. It had felt very wrong having to resort to touching myself because of my seventh-grade homeroom teacher's overly friendly hands. I could recall the sensation of his hand on my shoulder as his fingers caressed the back of my neck and on occasion dip under my collar. Sometimes, I'd feel my classmate's thigh pressed up against mine as if to say 'You're not alone, I'm right here.' When the bell would ring and the teacher would finally release me, my classmate would look me in the eye until I'd nod a wordless 'I'm okay.' He'd walk me out and go on his way. His honey brown eyes, the way he looked at me, and the way the warmth of his thigh felt against mine would send me over the edge.

I would lean against the stall wall, on my not-so-lucky days, my fingers wrapped around my cock as I freely jerked off. There was only one thing on my mind; blond hair, blue eyes, a cocky smile, and warm hands, slightly bigger than mine, pressed against my thigh, lower back, my shoulder or tugging my earlobe after a cautious finger circled my earring.

Naruto.

The brief moments we were near each other was enough to supply me with memories of his touch, scent, and an array of glances that were sure to make my toes curls as I shot my cum across the narrow stall.

But that damn perfume was at the heart of my hormonal weakness and I had to find the source.

So the day I noticed my classmates walking around to inspect everyone else's work, I decided to search out the one responsible for my solo rendezvous in the lonely bathroom stall. Her name was Yakumo and up close the scent of her perfume seemed to have an unnatural pull on me. As I looked at her drawing, my body moved on its own coming closer and closer until my head could have been mistaken for a second of hers.

I heard her breath hitch. She turned slightly giving me a sidelong glance and smiled at me. Even though she was pretty, light brown hair that she wore in a braid over her shoulder and sported a peaches and cream complexion, I was not attracted to her in the least. I was completely aware that it was her perfume I was drawn to.

I couldn't help needing to be closer to her just to smell her perfume. I would sidle up to her as she walked with her friends if we happened to be going in the same direction. My shoulder would press up against hers so that I could be closer, always closer, to take in her scent. But I didn't consider the consequences of my actions. Not until the day she walked me to my seventh-hour class and she stayed by my side; talking, talking, talking. I had no idea what she was saying. I'm pretty sure I didn't even grunt to encourage the flow of words. I was simply bewitched by her perfume and if she was willing to stay by my side, well, who the fuck cared what she was saying.

I didn't see it coming. 

She suddenly lunged at me and I instinctively caught her around the waist to stop her body from barreling into mine. But I didn't know to pay mind to her lips. The same lips that pressed themselves against mine in a desperate primal need. But now that she was so close to me, my nasal passages were assaulted with the sandalwood scent that drove me wild. And without being completely aware of what I was doing, I was kissing back. It was a sloppy kiss and it lasted longer than it should've. But she had the clarity of mind to pull away when the final bell rang.

I remember staring at her shell-shocked, not truly believing what had just happened. Whatever spell that fucking perfume had cast over me was suddenly broken. I was  _not_  attracted to that girl. And she was smiling at me triumphantly. I could feel the residual spit over my lips and I wiped my mouth with my forearm. She wiped hers with the tips of her fingertips. Careful not to miss any wetness. She finally waved and turned away. 

A chuckle off to my left caught my attention. 

In a daze, I turned to find a door cracked open and Gaara looking right at me completely amused. I held in a groan at being caught knowing I would never hear the end of it from him. A movement of blond hair directly behind Gaara's red caught my attention. Blue eyes slowly turned to face me with something akin to disbelief and ...confusion?

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath and shook my head.

Gaara chuckled and said, "Hopefully, not in the hallway. Get to class, little devil."

After school, I met up with Gaara as always and I noticed Yakumo walking up to us. I quickly and a bit forcibly grabbed Gaara's arm to pull him so that he would become a barrier between us. Gaara looked at me over his shoulder. His mouth parted to ask me what was up but I spoke before he could.

"Keep her away," I said so that only he could hear and he nodded albeit confusedly.

Gaara wasn't sensitive about the girl's feelings and frankly, I didn't give a shit. All I knew was that I was not going to allow myself to be bewitched by that girl's perfume again. 

Gaara successfully warded her off and then asked for an explanation.

I told him the truth —sort of— about liking the perfume, the close proximity while we walked, how I was in a daze when she kissed me, that the spell was now broken, and that I never even liked her.

His response; "You need to get laid."

I laughed. Maybe he was right.

That weekend I stayed at his place and on Saturday night, we would be going on a date. It would be my first. And truthfully I was a bit excited about it. He drove us to a seafood restaurant. We ate, talked, laughed. It was all so familiar to me because it was what we normally did, except at his house or mine. I had to admit that going out did feel nice.

He paid.

We left.

And I have no clue what else we did.

At the end of the night, I was laying in his bed instead of the bed in the guest room. We were both sideways, facing each other. He was talking. I was staring. I wasn't listening. I spaced out thinking about blue eyes. Then I felt a hand on my hip. A thumb was drawing lazy circles on my pelvic bone and I blinked.

Gaara's light green eyes were locked on mine. He was no longer talking. His hand moved slowly and carefully over my hip towards my ass. I flinched and grabbed his wrist. I looked at him confused, wanting an explanation.

"How the fuck are you going to get laid if you don't even like to be touched?" he asked upset.

I blinked at the accusation. I didn't understand what the fuck was going on. I thought back to all the times I had made-out with someone. But I didn't feel an aversion to being touched. Not when I was attracted to the other person.

And then it hit me.

Gaara had asked me out on a  _real_  date. This was not some sort of platonic outing. Gaara was attracted to me.

"Gaara, you're my friend," I said and the emotions that I saw playing in his eyes made me want to take back my words. So I said the next best thing I could think of. "Besides, I don't plan on having sex until I get married."

The look of utter shock that morphed into amusement made me regret ever opening my mouth. I blushed furiously and Gaara, well, he laughed his ass off for at least five minutes.

Until I threw a pillow at him, then a shoe and a book or two.

Next thing I knew, we were wrestling on the floor and throwing punches.

His mom came into the room and broke up our fight. I had a busted lip and Gaara's left eye was red and swollen. It would be a black eye by the next day. She sent me to the guest room and that was that until the next day.

Awkwardness settled around us while we sulked as we watched TV on Sunday once we got back to his house after church.

Monday morning when we walked through the school's main gates, Naruto greeted us cheerfully. Kiba was quick to begin a mock fight with him and I watched.

Gaara was staring at me. I could see him from the corner of my eye. But I decided to ignore his gawking issues.

Until he said, "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

Naruto.

He was talking about Naruto.

I was sixteen. Did I know what love was at that age? I thought I had been in love with Kimimaro. Still, to Naruto, I was simply a friend. And I was frustrated by that fact.

Before I knew what happened, he was dating Sakura. The girl who had been hit by the volleyball. I didn't know her. Not really. So I did my best to ignore them; him. I began to arrive at school right before the bell rang and entered campus through the back entrance. I'd leave campus for lunch with Suigetsu, Jugo, and Karin. Sometimes they didn't go back though I had to. Gaara had to be at my house when his mom picked him up after work. I had to meet with Gaara so that we could walk home together. Sometimes Naruto would show up at his side. So I told Gaara that I'd meet him at home instead. I'd walk home alone, leaving campus from a side exit. Sometimes even taking the city bus. I did all that just to avoid being anywhere near Naruto.

Gaara didn't ask, he knew why. And he did his best not to talk about Naruto in front of me. Or bring him around me.

On the weekends, I'd avoid Shikamaru unless I was certain that Naruto wouldn't be there. Though, it seemed everyone knew that Naruto was a taboo subject since no one brought him up around me. Even when Shikamaru invited me to his place via text message, he'd always add 'just the two of us' or 'only Choji will be here.' If Naruto noticed that I was avoiding him, I wouldn't know.

But I knew one thing, I was being a complete idiot.

I decided I would stop being childish and face him head on so I hung out with the crowd again. If Naruto was there or not, it didn't matter. If he wanted to walk home with me and Gaara part of the way, I was down. I simply ignored him. If he invited me to his house, I said I wasn't allowed and since Gaara said the same thing —because it was true for him— he didn't question it. But he'd look at me curiously when I was at Shikamaru's. So I decided to throw him a bone and told him that Shikamaru went to church with me. Then I forced Shikamaru to go so that it wouldn't be a lie. Shikamaru wasn't too happy about it but he changed his view on the church going experience when we went to Gaara's church and he met Gaara's sister Temari.

Mother noticed that I was a bit dejected. She sat down with me one evening and talked to me until I opened up. I told her about Naruto and that I was confused about my feelings for him. I told her that I had never felt how I felt about him with anyone else. Not even with Kimimaro. Or Ajisai. Somehow, she had already known that I was bisexual but she didn't make it a thing. Instead, she said she wanted to take me out and cheer me up. The three of us, mother, father, and I went out to eat. She ordered a long island ice tea for herself and iced tea for me. When our drinks were placed before us, she switched our drinks. Father wanted to know what my mother was up to. She told him about Naruto and that I had a broken heart.

I made a face; I wasn't heart-broken I told him.

Father chuckled and said, "You'll break some hearts and sometimes, your own will be broken. If it's meant to be, he'll fall for you. Until then, drink up."

So I did.

* * *

**Therapy Session**

"Sasuke, why don't you walk me through the day you went to visit your parents," Hashirama told me because I hadn't wanted to talk about it. But I was willing to now.

"I don't know how to explain what happened that day," I told him sincerely.

It had been odd.

"Do you remember how you felt?"

"I...was grateful that Naruto was with me and everything was fine. Though I felt a little out of place when I saw some of the changes in the city. It seemed like I was in another world altogether. When we arrived at the hospital, he introduced me to his parents and I could tell that his mother was holding back on saying something to me. I knew they recognized me and I felt, I don't know—guilty?—because I didn't recognize them. We met up with Itachi when we got out of the elevators. Naruto stayed behind in the waiting area while Itachi and I went to see father. When I walked into father's room, I saw my mother sitting in a chair. She was reading aloud and my father had this expression on his face like he'd rather be anywhere but there. Itachi called out to our father and I walked up to him. But our mother rounded his bed and pulled me into a hug.

"I was aware that my arms were closing around her. And I could feel this immense feeling of love pouring out of me towards this woman who suddenly felt like a stranger to me. And then, I wasn't in my body. I was floating above and I could see myself kissing my mother's cheek and lovingly wiping tears away. I held her close to my side as I talked to my father. I could see myself holding my father's hand. My father was smiling and the more I talked, the wider his smile became. Then we were all laughing. It seemed like I didn't belong to that family. The Sasuke that I could see with my parents was their son and I was an outsider. I couldn't watch anymore and I closed my eyes. Next thing I knew, there was a hand grasping my upper arm. I was being guided through hallways, into an elevator, and then being hugged by Itachi beside Naruto's car. I slowly began to regain feeling, sense of hearing, and my eyes focused until everything became clear.

"Then I was sitting in the car and I began to remember things that I thought I had forgotten so I wanted to write them down. Until I realized that I couldn't," I said and sighed heavily. "It was difficult for me to remember knowing that I wouldn't be able to hold onto any of those memories."

"Did your experience, while you visited your father, worry you?"

"Sort of, but not really," I said and shrugged once more.

"Why?"

"It's happened before."

"If you had to guess, how many times would you say it's happened?"

"A handful of times."

"You had an out of body experience. They are not uncommon. From the conversations we've had, I do not believe that it had anything to do with past traumatic experiences or your memory loss," he said and I nodded. "There are many opinions as to why they occur. One of which is that OBE is linked to REM sleep."

He proceeded to explain brain activity during REM. How REM factored into OBE and that it was more likely to have more to do with a sleep disorder than anything traumatic or spiritual.

I nodded as I listened carefully.

"So the true question is, Sasuke: how are you sleeping?"

When I told him that I rarely had a full night's sleep and that nightmares were usually what woke me, he seemed to take all this in with serious consideration. He asked me if I ever felt like I was in a dream while I was awake and when I said that I experienced that often he nodded in understanding.

"How long have you been having nightmares?"

"I'm not sure. Probably since we moved into the house where we live now. I mean, where I lived with my parents," I told him and tried not to think too hard about that. I wasn't looking forward to any headaches.

"When you  _do_  sleep, how restful is it?"

"I toss and turn and wake often even without nightmares. Sometimes, I can't get back to sleep. I simply lay in bed and wait for the sun to come up."

"How often do you think this happens, the restlessness and nightmares? Once or twice a week?"

"No, almost every night. If it isn't one, it's the other."

"I want to monitor your sleep. See how long it takes you to fall asleep, how often you wake up, and to measure your REM activity," he told me and I nodded. "I believe you might be suffering from chronic insomnia and from what you told me, it's been occurring far too long. There are a lot of risks that come from insomnia, some emotional others psychological."

"Do you believe that it had something to do with my memory loss?"

"It could be an underlying factor but not the cause," Hashirama told me and I nodded. "I want you to continue writing your journal. I believe you're making good progress. Have you considered perhaps going home?"

"Yeah, but…" I said but didn't really have an answer. I didn't want to continue making excuses.

"Good. At least you're considering it," he said and smiled at me. "I'm also happy to hear you remembered that Naruto is your husband. You're on your way, Sasuke."

I didn't know what to say so I nodded.

"I'll set everything up so that we can monitor your sleep hopefully within the week…"

Hashirama continued to explain what it was he was expecting and also told me I needed to set up a routine before going to bed. He said he wanted to hold off giving me sleeping pills for now until he knew more about my sleep patterns. He explained a few more things to me and then sent me back to my room.

As I sat on my bed, I seriously considered that perhaps it was time to go home. To Naruto. What was stopping me?

I had to keep reminding myself that I was twenty-nine years old. I was married to Naruto. And it was more than likely that I married him because I was in love with him.

But, I wasn't so sure if I deserved to be loved.


	20. 17th Journal Entry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Reader discretion advised***
> 
> This chapter might be difficult for anyone who's been abused in the past. And maybe even if you haven't. Hence the warning. I did my best not to be explicit but there are certain things that do have to be mentioned in order for the sequence of events to make sense.

The summer I turned seventeen, Itachi came down for only a month. Yahiko had come down with him once again. I wasn't sure where Yahiko was from but ever since he became Itachi's roommate, they seemed inseparable. But when Itachi left once more, returning back to school to further his studies, Yahiko had made a last-minute decision—right before boarding the plane—to finish school near Gardena, most likely UCLA. He had maintained a long-distance relationship with Konan and it seemed serious. Serious enough for him to stay in Gardena for her. Since he didn't have anywhere to stay and didn't have a job, my parents offered to have him stay with us until he could stand on his own two feet.

Yahiko was very busy at first, trying to have his scholarship transferred and his transcripts or something like that so that he would be set to go to school in the fall. But he was also looking for employment that would give him flexible hours once he went back to school. 

Lucky for him, father had changed companies and was having his new boss and his wife over for dinner—their surname was Namikaze, I believe. Father would have better pay and wouldn't have to work out of town any longer or something or other. And he was planning to introduce Yahiko to his boss hoping to help Yahiko get a foot in the company door.

A dinner was planned for seven and at six thirty, I was heading out the door. I had told mother that I was going to Shikamaru's to hang out. I didn't feel the need to be around too many happy couples. It was mildly depressing. Father didn't seem to mind so mother said it was fine.

As I was walking out, Konan arrived. She was early probably to help mother set the table. She hugged me in greeting and I waved goodbye.

"Where's he going?" I heard her ask Yahiko. 

"Ah, a friend's house. I think his name is Bambi."

"Shikamaru," I yelled over my shoulder and I heard Yahiko and Konan chuckle.

So I flipped them off and went on my way.

I couldn't have picked a worse day to show up at Shikamaru's house. Seemed like everyone decided to hang out there with their girlfriends that day. Even Temari was there and Hinata who was now Naruto's girlfriend. 

I didn't stick around. I went through my contact list and stopped at Iwashi's number. And so it was that half hour later, I was at his house. The music was blaring and I walked into a full house, which was a first. There were only guys there and most of them seemed to be Itachi's friends. I spotted Kisame from afar having a smoke and drinking beer while he spoke to a blond and a redhead.

As I walked down the hall towards Iwashi's room, I bumped into Hidan.

"Are you lost, baby Uchiha?" he said with amusement.

I really hated this guy.

"No," I said and tried to push past him.

"Nuh uh," Hidan said and cut off my attempt to walk past by putting his arm out. "You think I'm just going to let you through without finding out why you're here?"

"I'm here to see Iwashi," I said annoyed.

"Does he know you were coming?"

I gave him an unimpressed look.

He laughed.

I glared.

"A kitten that hisses is still a kitten."

"Who are you talking to, Hidan?"

"Iwashi, there's a feisty baby Uchiha here to see you," Hidan said looking over his shoulder and half laughing.

"Uchiha?" Iwashi said and looked at me a little startled.

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, didn't you know that this was Itachi's baby brother?" Hidan was saying while looking at me the entire time.

If he called me baby one more time…

Hidan clapped a hand on Iwashi's shoulder. He looked at him with a murderous expression and said, "If you value your manhood, I suggest that you _not_ take him into your room." 

Then he laughed as he walked away.

"Fuck," Iwashi said shaking his head then he looked right at me as if he was thinking hard about something.

"Itachi already knows about you," I said slightly annoyed. The last thing I wanted was for him to turn me away.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah," I said and closed the distance between us. "But, if you want me to leave..."

"No," he said quickly.

I hadn't seen him in a couple of months. He had broken up with me saying he actually wanted to see the person he was dating. I showed up on his doorstep the following day, we made out for awhile and I left. I came back a month later and every month after that just to make-out with him when I was bored.

He seemed to be making a decision then he caressed my face and said, "We can't go to the room."

I shrugged not caring and he swallowed hard before he leaned towards me. I closed the distance and kissed him gently. I pulled away but he was not having that. He placed a hand on the small of my back and pulled my body flush against his. I had nowhere to place my hands but his chest and I gripped his shirt. He cupped my neck and brought our mouths together.

As Iwashi kissed me, I couldn't help but wonder if Naruto kissed like this. Iwashi's kisses were gentle and passionate. The way he moved his lips over mine and his tongue savored my own made me want him closer and closer still. He made me feel special as if I was the only person living in this world that he was willing to treat lovingly. All the sensations he was evoking in me, the tingling of my lips, the goosebumps rising on my neck, the warmth spreading to my lower belly, and the weakening of my knees was something he could only do to me. Because I deserved to be loved. I deserved to be seduced without feeling dirty.

My hands moved over him following the contours of his muscles on his chest down his sides. I could feel his fingers curling into my hair and tightening making me gasp so that he could deepen the kiss. His hand moved towards my ass to grip it and he began to rock his hips against mine. His cock rubbed against mine and we both groaned. I was willing to take this further. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have his body worship mine.

"Get a room!" someone said sounding far away.

Iwashi brought my attention back to him. He pulled away from my mouth, his lips made a path from my lips to my neck.

"Nngh!"

"Sasuke!"

I flinched at the sound of my name. The movement brought Iwashi out of the half-crazed daze he was in.

"What's wrong, Sasuke?" he asked as he cupped my cheek.

I didn't answer because I didn't know what was wrong. Did someone say my name? I wasn't sure.

"Sasuke, let's go!"

My body half turned around to see Yahiko walking towards me. He grabbed my arm when he reached me and yanked on me so that I would go with him.

"Iwashi, your girlfriend is here," Yahiko said through tight lips.

"Fuck!" he said and gripped his hair as Yahiko dragged me away. "Sasuke, I'm sorry."

"Whatever," I said not really caring. Because I didn't.

I had come to Iwashi for one reason and that was to feel better about myself. He made me feel worthy of love at least for a little while. I pulled my arm out of Yahiko's grasp and followed him instead of being dragged.

There were a few girls walking into the house as we made our way out.

From somewhere within the house, Hidan was cackling. And I had a suspicion that his amusement had something to do with me.

Once we were in the car, Yahiko was glaring at me from the rearview mirror.

Konan was fighting a smile.

I couldn't help it; I started to laugh and then Konan did.

Yahiko let out a loud exasperated sigh.

"What were you thinking? You can't pull this shit on my watch! Itachi will have my balls for breakfast!"

Didn't he know how ridiculous that sounded? Itachi was over a two thousand miles away. I snorted while laughing and fell over on the back seat.

Konan laughed even harder and then Yahiko finally relaxed enough to smile.

"Spare my balls, kid."

"Relax, Yahiko. He was just having a little fun," Konan said and winked at me. "Besides, who in their right mind would tell Itachi?"

"Hidan," I said sitting up and resting my arms on the back of his seat. I smirked at the wide-eyed look Yahiko was giving me. "But I'll tell Itachi that you're my hero."

"Fuck you, you little shit!"

Konan and I lost it again.

* * *

I smiled as I wrote that and remembered that pair. I spent a lot of time with them. It was easier to be around them than my own friends and their girlfriends.

Yahiko and Konan were older and weren't driven by teenage hormones. I did watch them sometimes, the way they spoke to one another and saw how their body language said much more about their feelings for each other than the short—sometimes long—make-out sessions they had. And naturally being around them so often also had me around the others from their little pack. They started to grow on me.

Deidara, however, quickly got on my nerves. He would sit beside me and fucking smell me. He wasn't discreet about it either. I would shove him away but it wasn't until Yahiko clapped him on the head that he would whimper and walk away. I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with that guy but then I found out.

I was more than a little tipsy one night and agreed to dance with the guy. He drew me in close to his body and everything was fine for a little bit. Our bodies rocking to the music together seemingly normal. But it wasn't. Deidara had my hair in his hand and was bringing it up to his fucking nose just to sniff it. He wasn't being a pervert about it but fuck, it was disturbing.

"Dei, what the fuck? Cut your shit," I told him and moved my head away so that my hair would fall out of his hands.

And then I noticed, Deidara was not just drunk but he was high.

"You smell just like him," he whispered and reached for my hair again.

"Like who?" I said moving my hair out of his reach.

"Itachi," he said with a sad smile. "I miss Itachi so much. And you smell like him. You must use the same shampoo."

"Yeah, well, you can't go around smelling people like a fucking dog. Now, get off me!" I told him and shoved him away.

He followed me, asking if he could have another whiff.

"Leave the kid alone, Dei. Come with me," Hidan said cutting him off and dragging him away.

It wasn't the end of it and I should've known. But Deidara seemed harmless; obsessive, maybe, but harmless all the same.

Or so I thought.

I found out two weeks after that party how wrong I had been. Because a lot can happen in two weeks. So I happened to be alone, because who the fuck wanted to be around a bunch of idiot teenagers and their girlfriends.

And Yahiko...I had been banned from hanging around him because of what happened the weekend before. Instead of my mother grounding me, I was simply told that I couldn't go out with him and Konan anymore.

It wasn't even his fault.

The week prior on Saturday night, I had gone out with Yahiko and Konan as I had done on previous occasions. We went to someone's house. I wasn't sure whose because most of them lived with their parents still. Kakazu had his own house and he'd rent out rooms to Deidara and Hidan. Even if someone crashed the night, they had to pay him. So no one liked to party there because he would charge people while they were drunk and about to pass out. So we ended up at an apartment complex where someone or other lived. Yahiko and Konan had gone out by the pool. I had stayed on the stairs with Hidan.

Hidan had offered me a joint but I refused. So he gave me drinks instead. At first, beer while he talked about religion. Then we moved inside where the redhead, Sasori, I think his name was, was mixing drinks just for the heck of it. Hidan would pass them to me after he'd drink half and continued to smoke. I had no clue what I was drinking. I couldn't even taste anything. But I was absorbed in Hidan's conversation. He was talking to me about Itachi. How Itachi had never been in a relationship. That Deidara had been his first real fling other than the one-night stands he usually had. But after a month, he dumped him and never bothered with him again.

"Itachi is cold," he said and I didn't do anything but stare.

Itachi wasn't cold, he was caring and… 

… 

I couldn't say. I didn't know anything about Itachi. And that was what Hidan kept saying. They had known him since the fifth grade, which was when we had moved to the house my parents lived in now. Itachi was six years older than me but our mother had held him back in kindergarten because he didn't speak to anyone and in fifth grade because he had missed the better part of the year for reasons I didn't know. Yet, he had still graduated early or when he was supposed to really.

"You're a tease," he told me.

"Excuse me?" I asked confused.

I was seeing two of Hidan and then there was one again.

"I said, you're a tease. Pay attention," he said tapping the counter.

He gave me a glass of water and told me to drink. He continued talking about how Itachi wouldn't let anyone in. But he defended all of them—the pack—against anyone and helped them in whatever they needed. So they all respected him and would do anything for him.

"Like babysit baby Uchihas," Hidan said and laughed at my annoyed glare.

Hidan continued saying that Itachi was going to build an empire and that they would all be his loyal servants because they believed if anyone could make an impact in the business world, it would be Itachi. Then he said that the only one who actually knew Itachi was Yahiko.

"They're like brothers," he said and shook my knee telling me not to get jealous. He said Yahiko just knew him that Itachi never had to confide in him. They simply had a deep connection for whatever reason.

"I thought they were a couple at first."

He shrugged the thought away.

"Itachi won't do relationships for whatever fucked up reason but he fucks anything with legs. You, don't do either. I mean, I know Iwashi was your boyfriend but you never saw him. What is it with you Uchihas? No relationships but when you do have one, a month is the shelf life? What happens after a month? Does your dick shrink?"

I laughed because Hidan was an idiot.

Hidan shook my shoulders and told me to pay attention because whatever he was saying was obviously important to him. Because he was high and drunk. But then so was I, so very _very_ drunk.

"Deidara thinks he's in love with your brother. I don't think he is. He's obsessed with him simply because Itachi slipped through his fingers. I think that would mess anyone up. To be placed on a pedestal and then come crashing down. It's fucked up. But Iwashi, he's in lust with you and that's your fault for being such a fucking tease!"

"He can fuck his girlfriend," I said annoyed.

"Ha! He did!" Hidan said and cackled. "He was so fucking loud. He was so hard up for you. Then the fucking idiot...he...he," he was saying but couldn't finish because he was laughing so hard.

"He shouted your name," Sasori piped in giving me a dirty look.

"Now, he doesn't have a girlfriend to fuck. He wants you. I told him to keep clear of you. You're forbidden fruit, baby Uchiha. Who knows what evils will spawn from having a taste of you," Hidan said and looked at me so serious it was almost intimidating.

"Of course, because I'm a devil," I deadpanned.

"Don't say that shit! God will smite you," Hidan said and reached for some salt to throw over his shoulders and mine.

"Stop wasting salt, fucker."

That was Kakazu. He snatched the salt out of Hidan's hands.

"He already has. Twice," I told him as I looked him in the eye.

Hidan frowned but held my gaze.

"Now, I'm a devil dressed in saint robes biding my time until I can bring heaven down in ashes."

"Give me the fucking salt, Kakazu!"

I started to laugh.

"He's fucking with you, moron."

I fell off the stool I was sitting on from laughing my ass off.

* * *

I had passed out that night. Yahiko told me later that he had to pull over on the way home because I puked in Konan's car. He tossed my clothes in a trash can because they were un unsalvageable.

When we arrived at the house, I had my eyes opened in slits. Konan and Yahiko were carrying me inside and mother was there. She wanted to know what happened. I was telling her not to worry that I was just drunk but that I was fine. But obviously, I wasn't actually speaking. Whatever I slurred made her cry.

Yahiko told her over and over that nothing happened to me that I simply got hammered and puked all over myself. He told her he was sorry for all the trouble.

When I woke the next morning, I had no idea where I was. I had a mild panic attack when I noticed I was wearing Yahiko's shirt and nothing else but my boxers. I ran a hand across my face and my hair. My fingers felt some crusty shit in it. I made a face. The night before sort of come back. I looked around and saw I was in Yahiko's room. It was the closest one from the stairs. I stood up and slowly made my way to the door.

When I opened it mother shouted from downstairs, "Take a cold shower and come here!"

I was in deep shit.

I didn't take a cold shower. I didn't see why I should. I washed up and got dressed in my own room. I headed downstairs slowly.

"Here," mother handed me a coffee mug.

I looked at her confused. I didn't really care for coffee. Then I saw a bottle of aspirin.

"I don't want coffee. I'd rather have some orange juice."

"You don't have a hangover?" mother said with a slight frown. "Just like Fugaku then."

"What?" I asked confused and she looked at me pensively. "Mom, I'm sorry I came home…"

I had to stop talking because father stormed into the room. For a moment it almost felt like the gates of hell were close to his heels. He glared at Yahiko then at me. 

I felt so insignificant in that moment. I wanted to say something but mother beat me to it.

"Don't be mad at him. If he becomes a drunk, it'll be because he learned it from you."

"Mother!" I said completely taken aback.

She looked at me and shrugged.

I looked at father but he had his head down. Looking guilty. His hands were in fists and his body began to shake. He turned towards the wall and punched it, leaving a hole in the drywall. He let out a feral shout and stormed out of the house. 

The last thing we all heard were the tires screeching away.

"Mother, that was wrong. What I did, _I did!_ It wasn't Yahiko's fault, he trusted me and," I looked at him, "I'm sorry. And it wasn't father's fault either. I simply got caught up in the moment. Besides, it's not like you mind that I drink."

"That was different, Sasuke!"

"Really? You gave me alcohol. Then you turn around and blame father. _You_ gave it to me!" I was so angry at her. But then she looked so guilty. "I'm not blaming you. You weren't there last night. It was me. Just me. Okay? I was an idiot. I didn't realize how much I'd drank."

"From now on if you do decide to drink don't have more than one or two drinks until you're older."

She got up and walked away.

I stared at her retreating form completely confused. I wasn't even grounded. I wasn't punished. No one hit me.

Gaara's words came back to me. ' _There are no risks in your life; you break your precious mommy's rules and all she does is make you feel like shit.'_

And I did feel like shit but not because she was disappointed in me, it was the complete opposite. She wasn't. And father blamed himself.

"You're lucky," Yahiko said and sighed. "Fugaku lectured me for an hour. Mikoto lectured me for two. I'm grounded for two weeks and you're no longer allowed to hang out with me because of our age difference."

I didn't say anything. I simply stared at him and wondered if it had been Itachi, what would they have done? Why wasn't I being punished? Wasn't I worth it? A tear escaped my eye and Yahiko laughed.

"It's not a big deal, kid. It was fun while it lasted. Besides, I always wanted to know what it was like to have parents."

He shrugged and turned his attention to the TV.

He was smiling.

My parents punished him and he was smiling.

I ran upstairs and got under the covers. I hid my head under a pillow so that I could cry in peace.

Father wasn't talking to me. He wouldn't even look me in the eye.

Mother talked to me like I was her new best friend. And I felt like scum.

I didn't talk back to her. I wanted to see her smile. I bought her some candy that I knew was her favorite when I could.

On Friday, I surprised her with roses and father some sushi rolls from his favorite restaurant just because they hadn't stopped giving me an allowance.

Mother kissed my cheek and hugged me. That was when father finally smiled at me. He even put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

"You're a good son."

I didn't know what he meant by that. I came home passed out... 

_Did that make me a good son?_

I was so confused that I went to the park just to clear my head. I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice where I was walking. Or my surroundings. Until a hand grabbed me by my wrist and yanked me into some bushes and out the other side.

Deidara.

"What the fuck, you idiot!" I said and with my free hand tried to get rid of the leaves that were in my hair.

"I just want to smell you," he said and pulled me towards him.

I had no idea Deidara was that strong. I couldn't get my wrist free and he twisted it behind me so that he could hug me to his body. And he was smelling my hair again.

"Cut the shit, Dei!"

_Deidara is harmless._

I told myself that over and over because fear was trying to take over. I felt my legs tremble. His arms were strong and I struggled, but I only hurt my shoulder and wrist because of the way he was holding my arm.

"Kiss me," he said.

His face was in mine. His eyes were dilated. His breath was sweet. My heart started to beat very fast.

"I bet you kiss just like him."

I don't know how but I was able to squeeze his cheeks with my free hand and push his face away. I had the feeling that it was simply because he was allowing it.

"I'm not going to kiss you," I said and had to grunt from the effort and the burn from my twisted arm.

"Are you high?" I had to ask but he didn't answer.

"Let me taste you, Sasuke. I miss Itachi so much. You're the next best thing," he said in my ear and in his mild distraction, I was able to turn in his arms.

I took a few steps but then he was hugging me from behind. He was a fucking leech!

"Let me go, Dei! I'm not going to kiss you!"

"Come on, Sasuke. Don't make me force you," he said in an almost whisper right in my ear.

I couldn't help the chill that went through me. He was attractive and sexy. My body was responding to him.

_What was wrong with me?_

"Let go!"

I took a few more steps, dragging him with me and then I tripped. We grappled on the ground for awhile.

Deidara was telling me to kiss him over and over again. I thought I should just give him what he wanted so that he would let me go but I knew deep down that he wouldn't stop there. I didn't want to do this with him and especially not on the fucking dirt behind the bushes in a public park.

"Deidara! Come on, just let me go," I said and now I was pleading.

He wasn't himself so I wouldn't hit him. But I was scared and I couldn't help it. He was so strong.

"Stop playing, Sasuke. You know you want this," he said while groping me.

_Fuck!_

And then I heard a giggle. I looked around frantically while Deidara's hand was going up my shirt. He was straddling me and pinning me down with his forearm right across my shoulders. But I saw little eyes. There was a kid in glasses peeking through the bushes.

"Hey, kid! Give me a hand!"

Then another kid popped his head out through the leaves.

"You know you want to fuck him. Come on, let us watch," the other said.

His eyes held a glint of mischief. He wasn't taking this seriously. He only wanted to see live porn. I was still trying to kick Deidara off but I looked at the other kid.

He looked familiar.

"If you don't help me out, I'll fucking tell your brother that you didn't and he'll kick your ass!"

His eyes opened wide and he wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Konohamaru, come on! Help me!"

Between the two of them grabbing Deidara from the arms to pull him off and me shoving him off my body, I was finally free.

I looked at them, they had to be about thirteen. But I was grateful.

"Thank you," I told the one in glasses and shaggy messed up hair.

"Don't tell my brother."

"Udon, you're so stupid. He probably doesn't even know Hidan," Konohamaru said and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I do. And I'm going to tell him to teach you some fucking manners."

"No, no, please. I helped. I helped!" he said imploringly.

"Sasuke! Please! I miss him so much," Deidara said pathetically.

"Tch! Go home, Dei," I told him and stormed off.

Konohamaru and Udon followed after me as I dusted myself off and continued to run a hand through my hair to take the leaves out.

"I live around the corner if you want to get cleaned up, you can use my bathroom."

I stopped and looked at him for a moment. I was about to take him up on his offer but the other kid piped in.

"No, don't. He'll peep on you."

"Udon, you fucker!"

"You better have a new hobby by the time I see you again. Or I'll have Hidan make you his slave," I told him.

They were fake threats but they were paying off. He was scared shitless. They both ran away.

I walked home cursing my luck. By the time I made it home, I felt numb. Because this had happened to me before except last time there was no one around to save me.

I passed up a worried looking Yahiko on the stairs. He went to grab my arm but I flinched before he touched me and I ran straight to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had scratches on my neck and the side of my face. There were others on my arm and fingerprints that were turning to bruises on my wrist.

_Fucking Deidara!_

I was covered in dirt and still had leaves here and there. I undressed; throwing my clothes in the hamper and turning on the shower and I stood under the spray.

I don't know know how long I was in there but I was shivering when a worried Yahiko came in the bathroom. He turned off the water and covered my shivering form in a towel.

He asked me over and over again what happened once he settled me on the bed. He left me in the towel and brought extra blankets to stop my shivering.

I didn't answer him though. I didn't feel like talking. He brought me a mug of tea later and forced me to sip it until I finished it and I was finally warm.

"Let me sleep, please," I said finally, my voice hoarse.

He nodded and walked out.

Every time I closed my eyes, I was standing under a staircase pressed against a brick wall.

I was in first grade when it happened. I was staring down my bully and his much older brother. The school only went up to sixth-grade but the other kid had to have been at least thirteen. And there wasn't a teacher in sight.

I had walked out of the cafeteria with my guard up. Keeping a careful eye on the corner where my bully had grabbed me from last time. There was a teacher on duty so I felt safe. But that didn't mean I wasn't nervous.

As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my bully there, right around the corner, smirking at me. He had been waiting.

When I cleared the last step, I saw the older kid with him. They had the same eyes so I imagined they were brothers. They could've been cousins.

I backed away from them slowly. Inching closer and closer to the teacher so that I could finally turn my back on them and run. 

The playground for kinder to second grade was a little ways off just after the basketball courts. There were teachers on duty there. The older kid's playground was on the other side of the cafeteria. Usually, there weren't any teachers on duty outside the cafeteria so I thanked the heavens for the little miracle I received. But it was a short-lived miracle. More like the heavens had set up a good ruse. 

I was about to turn and run off when shouting was heard from the big kid's playground. The teacher took off in a sprint and I was left alone like a deer caught in headlights as the grin on the older kid grew.

I snapped out of it. Telling myself to run. I took off but my little legs hadn't taken me very far when arms wrapped around me from under my arms and dragged me under the staircase.

I was tossed to the ground but I stood up right away. I got into a fighting position but the older kid laughed and my bully simply smirked. I knew I was in over my head. But what else could I do?

I straightened up as my bully walked over to me. I knew what he wanted but the older kid, he wanted more. I knew he did. So I did what I had to do to save myself.

I grabbed my bully by the shirt and dragged him towards me the few inches he had left to reach me. And I kissed him. I placed my hands on his cheeks to encourage him to kiss me back because he was surprised for a moment. Then he was kissing me, a messy kiss by two boys who had no clue what a real kiss was supposed to be. Teeth and tongues mashed together painfully until my bully was dragged away.

I wiped my mouth and I saw the older kid punch my bully. He staggered and fell because he was small. Smaller than the older kid but my bully had an inch on me. They exchanged words that I didn't hear or understand, probably both. English wasn't my strong suit yet. I only spoke Japanese at home and broken English at school.

My bully stood up and pointed at me and then himself while saying something that I couldn't understand. I simply watched the two boys because they were blocking my path of escape. Then the older kid shoved my bully and stalked towards me. He grabbed me by my shirt so fast that I didn't have time to react and he threw me against the wall. 

My ears rang from hitting my head on the brick wall. I grit my teeth and waited to see what he would do next. I thought he'd kiss me but instead, he swiped at my feet and I fell. He straddled me and began to fuss with my pants. 

I tried to stop his hands but he grabbed them both in one of his easily and held them over my head. I bucked under his weight but he didn't even feel it.

When my pants and underwear were pulled down, I stared at my bully who was looking on in horror. I was hoping that the kiss I had given him was payment enough for what I was going to ask of him. So as I struggled and teared up because of what I was being subjected to, I asked for help. In Japanese because I couldn't think straight. But it didn't matter what language I spoke or what words I used, he heard my plea in the sound of my voice. It took him a moment but his body moved towards me and he began to punch the older kid in the back and tried to pull him off of me.

The older kid was forced to release my wrists to defend himself from his little attacker. And I was delivering punches from beneath him. But all he did was laugh and grab my bully before he shoved him back. He held my hands again and continued to drive in me. Until my bully was back to defend me again.

Then the teacher was suddenly there. He shouted something. He pulled both kids off of me because my bully had been trying to pull the older kid off of me with his arms wrapped around the older kid's chest from behind.

What was left behind was my body on the ground half dressed and my legs akimbo.

The teacher stared at me in shock. His eyes left my face and stayed on my crotch seeing a part of me that should've been hidden and private. His stare kept me frozen in place thinking he'd finish what the other kid had started. Then he swallowed and shook his head.

I was finally able to move. I sat up and scooted back until I hit the wall. He looked at me again—at my face—in judgment or disgust; I couldn't tell.

He took off without saying a word dragging the other two kids along with him.

I only had sense enough to pull on my pants. And to think, ' _He left me here.'_

Because he was the adult, wasn't he supposed to help me? Instead of having stared at me like that, shouldn't he have asked if I was okay? All he did was leave me there.

As I zipped up I started to cry because I felt used and discarded. I wasn't even worth the value of my own life because I knew life had value just not me or my soul. No words of pity, not even a scolding, was worth it for someone like me. Wasn't that the reason the teacher paddled me? Abuse was all I knew. All I responded to. All I deserved.

I had no idea how I made it back to my classroom—albeit still crying and late. But when I finally arrived, the teacher took one look at me, grabbed me, and paddled me before sending me to my seat.

I was grateful for that because the pain stunned me enough to get me to shut up. I felt numb after that. I sat in my classroom with my eyes forward and waited for something to happen. Because something had to happen. But nothing did.

After school, I walked through the hallways with a foggy head. I was sitting at the back of the bus before I realized it. Staring at nothing.

The sight of my father running to the bus and climbing in had me sitting ramrod straight. He looked positively angry. His brow was furrowed and his jaw was clenched. He searched the bus until he found me staring at him. His faced changed then to one of pity and then sadness.

My hands were gripping the bottom of my seat. I didn't know what my father was doing there but I felt like I was in trouble. If I was in trouble, did that mean that what had happened earlier was my fault? I had let it happen. I couldn't even defend myself. Maybe father was angry at me for that.

My father called to me, voice stern, but I didn't budge. He had to walk towards me. My body trembled as he wrapped his arms around me and pried my hands off the soft seats. He carried me off the bus and I just stayed stiff, tense, unmoving until he sat me on living room sofa.

Mother yelled at Itachi who was beside me; talking to me, shaking me. He was trying to get me to do or say something because he didn't know that I was afraid to move an inch. I wanted to stay perfectly still because then maybe I would disappear. But it was Itachi who disappeared. 

Mother and father were arguing. They were loud and I couldn't understand anything they said. 

Someone knocked on the door. Mother peered through the curtains and opened the door. I saw Father step out to speak to a police officer.

Then my world was nothing but darkness.

When I was finally aware of my surroundings, we were at a new house, a new school, a different part of the city, and I still didn't feel safe. Because I wasn't safe. Not at home. Not at school. Not with strangers. Not with family. Because this had happened to me before. But the last time it had I hadn't even tried to fight, I had simply let it happen.


	21. Extra IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intense...read at own discretion

**Itachi POV**

 

 

"I am so worried about your brother, and I don't understand why I can't visit him," mother said to me while we were having lunch.

I finished my bite of food, chewing slowly then swallowing before responding.

"Mother, you saw him last week."

"I was so happy to see my baby. You wouldn't know by looking at him that there was anything wrong with him," she said almost proudly.

I chose not to answer. I had learned not to take her words at face value from a young age.

In my mind I translated her words, 'He looked so much better than the last time I saw him; he must be doing better.'

I had also learned from watching the way Yahiko interacted with others. He was very good at reading people and always gave them more credit than was due. From observing him carefully I realized that with his patient disposition and careful wording, he not only made himself understood but also avoided miscommunication.

In a way, Yahiko and I had this trait in common. I simply needed practice focusing more on what people were really trying to say instead of what they said. After that, it made talking to mother a lot easier and I avoided becoming angry at her offhanded comments as I had in the past. Though even then I convinced myself not to take them too seriously.

"According to his doctor, he should be going home soon," I told her simply to pacify her.

"Oh, wonderful. Naruto must miss him terribly," she said and then seemed to become lost in thought.

I continued eating while watching her carefully. 'That's great news. I miss him so much and can only imagine how Naruto feels.' My mind supplied. I wouldn't bring up Sasuke's journal with mother. For some reason, I didn't believe she would take it well. She was prone to become defensive about the smallest things.

"I wonder what happened to him," she said to herself.

"You talked to him that day after I did," I said carefully.

The day Sasuke broke down emotionally, I had spoken to him for more than twenty minutes over the phone. Sasuke had called to share some good news but by the end of the conversation, he seemed agitated. The last thing I told him was that he should share his news with mother. Later that night, Naruto called from the hospital because Sasuke was hysterical and asking for me. Naruto was distraught when I arrived and told me that Sasuke didn't even recognize him. When mother arrived, Sasuke had asked for her to leave. Later, she briefly mentioned that they had spoken over the phone earlier in the evening. But because the night had been frantic, I never asked what they talked about.

Mother looked up at me a little surprised. She hadn't realized she had spoken her last words aloud.

"What did the two of you talk about?"

"It was very brief," she said and looked away with a slight frown. "I asked him how Naruto was but when he answered he was a little curt with me. It had been so long since he spoke to me that way…"

I simply took a sip of water while I waited for mother to gather her thoughts. But by what she had said, I came to the conclusion that Sasuke was already upset with her before he called. Something about our own conversation had riled him up but I hadn't figured out what it was. We briefly touched the subject of our childhood. Sasuke's love for tea parties when he was a toddler came up. I was still reeling over the fact that Sasuke could remember so far back. Not only that but the fact that he remembered Shisui living with us at the time. I only had to remind him that…

"It was strange. He asked for your cousin's phone number and wouldn't tell me why he needed it," mother said cutting off my line of thought.

"Shisui's phone number?"

"No," mother said and shook her head. She stood up suddenly. She seemed anxious to walk away from whatever thoughts were assaulting her. "I have to get back. I'm sure your father is finished with his physical therapy."

I watched her retreating back and knew that I wouldn't get any more information out of her. We were similar that way. But Sasuke was more open and would unleash his feelings, especially when his emotions were running high. Whatever he'd been bottling up had festered for far too long. It was no wonder he finally broke down. I hoped that whatever it was, Sasuke would finally be able to express it to his therapist or Naruto because I didn't feel qualified to handle something of such magnitude without wanting to make some heads roll. 

And I hoped to god that it didn't involve mother.

* * *

"How did lunch with Mikoto go?" Yahiko asked when I returned to the office.

I simply looked at him, not willing to answer. I still needed to figure out a few things.

"That good, huh?" Yahiko said amused and leaned against the door jam.

I simply blinked at him.

"It's about Sasuke, isn't it?"

I nodded and ran a hand across my face trying to calm down. It had been awhile since I had let myself get worked up like this. Sasuke was always able to bring this out of me, though. I had spent so much time away from him but it never took away the sense of responsibility I felt as his older brother.

"Hey, when can I go see him? Do you think he'll remember me?"

"I'm afraid to ask him if he does," I said and chuckled.

If Sasuke's memory was slowly coming back to him, who knew what he would remember of the younger Yahiko who was a little too interested in him.

"Bah! He loves all us," Yahiko said with a grin.

I raised my eyebrow at him, wanting to understand what he meant. It was true that when I returned from Pennsylvania, Sasuke got along better with my old associates. But to say that he loved them, that was quite a stretch.

"We had good times until he was three sheets to the wind thanks to Hidan and the idiot Deidara manhandled him."

I sent him a murderous glare. The fact that I had been kept in the dark about what had happened between my brother and the lot of fools who called themselves my friends did not sit well with me.

"Nothing happened," he said with his hands up to placate me. "He passed out on the way home. And in the morning, he didn't even have a hangover. How can you be that lucky?"

_That covered Hidan but…_

"Deidara. What exactly did he do?"

"It wasn't what he did. It was the way it affected him," Yahiko said and made himself comfortable in the seat in front of my desk instead of hovering by the entrance like he had been. 

"Hidan's little brother, Udon, and Konohamaru were at the park when they heard Deidara asking Sasuke for a kiss. So they decided to peep. They saw Deidara rolling around with your brother. Sasuke was telling him to stop being an idiot and that he wasn't going to kiss him. According to Konohamaru, Sasuke was just playing hard to get. Udon, however, said that Sasuke seemed a little scared."

_That didn't make any sense. Why would Sasuke be afraid of Deidara of all people? And why didn't he defended himself? He had more than enough fighting experience to keep someone like Deidara at bay._

"When Sasuke caught sight of them, he told them to help him out. Between the three of them, they were able to pry Deidara off your brother. Sasuke headed home and Deidara stayed at the park crying. That's how Hidan found him, high off his ass and depressed as hell. Hidan took Deidara back to their place and when he arrived, Udon was waiting for him. He nervously told him what happened and said that he was worried about Sasuke."

_If the kid had been worried about Sasuke, then that meant..._

"I was there when Sasuke came home. He was in a state of shock. I tried to coax him out of whatever funk he was in but he wanted to be left alone. I realized after Hidan recounted what happened that there were some underlying issues affecting your brother's state of mind. In order to help him focus on the present instead of the past, Hidan and I had Deidara apologize to Sasuke. We guaranteed that Deidara wouldn't so much as look at him anymore and Sasuke accepted Deidara's apology. Deidara did feel horrible about what he had done and later, more than made up for it."

"How exactly did he do that?"

Yahiko sighed and rubbed his face.

"You do realize that all this happened over a decade ago right?"

"Yahiko, the reason my brother is in that treatment center is due to something that happened to him when he was a kid. If it affected him in any way..."

"I understand. But don't forget this happened eons ago."

"Hn."

"Right," Yahiko said and leaned forward. "Remember Iwashi?"

I nodded.

"He dumped Sasuke but that didn't seem to be what your brother wanted. He... —Well, it seemed to us anyway and it was Hidan's theory; Sasuke wanted to get even. He would visit Iwashi to get him going and then he'd leave him high and dry."

_Sasuke, did that? That doesn't sound like something Sasuke would do. But then again..._

"One night, Hidan called me up telling me that I had to hurry up and get Sasuke out of Iwashi's place. When I arrived, it seemed like they were about to get in on in front of everyone. I dragged his ass out of there and later, Hidan tried to lecture him about being a tease. I guess it worked because Sasuke stopped meeting up with Iwashi."

_I wonder what it was that made him reconsider his actions._

"But close to a year later, Sasuke went looking for him again and Sasori happened to be there. Iwashi told Sasori to give him a minute and took Sasuke into the house. But the look on Iwashi's face didn't sit right with Sasori. He decided not to get involved but, just in case, called up Deidara to let him know Sasuke was at Iwashi's before he left."

_That's in correlation with Sasori's personality. But it sounds like I owe these guys for looking out for my little brother while I was away. Even if they fucked up in the process._

"Turns out, the last time Iwashi had seen Sasuke he had been shooting his mouth off about how he was going to 'get his' next time Sasuke came around. Deidara remembered that and called up Hidan to help him out but couldn't get a hold of him. He looked for Udon at the park but the kid didn't know where Hidan was either. But Udon noticed that Deidara was anxious so he asked what was up. Deidara told him that Sasuke might be in some deep shit. Konohamaru and Naruto who were with Udon at the time happened to hear what Deidara said and offered to help. So the four of them drove up to Iwashi's."

_What the hell was going through your head at the time Sasuke?_

"It took a couple minutes, Udon and Deidara nervously waiting in the car, Naruto pacing on the porch, Konohamaru continually banging on the door, before Iwashi finally opened up. He wasn't alone, Sasuke was standing beside him. And Iwashi had a firm grip on his arm."

_To keep him from leaving. Something must've happened to Sasuke before he went to Iwashi's house to allow himself to be handled that way._

"Konohamaru grabbed Sasuke by the wrist and said, ' _Come on, we have to go!'_  Sasuke didn't give any indication that he was willing to leave. That prompted Iwashi to pull Sasuke back into the house but Konohamaru refused to let go. Iwashi told him to fuck off. Naruto became frustrated with the situation and got in Iwashi's face. He told him that they were there for Sasuke and wouldn't leave without him. Iwashi then asked Sasuke if he knew them. Sasuke, to everyone's surprise, said, ' _Yeah, they're my brothers.'_ "

_Naruto had made him react. Sasuke must've already felt something for the blond if he decided to leave with him._

"It sounded to me, when I heard about it, that Sasuke tried to confuse Iwashi. Naruto took Sasuke's lead and said, ' _Yeah, mom needs you to get home right now.'_  Sasuke turned to Iwashi and told him he was leaving. And Naruto didn't wait to see how it played out, in his impatience, he grabbed Sasuke by the arm and yanked him out of Iwashi's grasp. At that point, Deidara shouted, ' _Get in the fucking car!'_ "

_I know of at least one head that will roll. Plus, I think, Udon and Deidara are up for a raise. I'm sure Naruto would love a new home gaming system or perhaps a fast foreign car. And Konohamaru keeps saying he wants to go to Hawaii. Note to self: contact human resources, my travel agent, a personal shopper, and I need to sharpen my sword._

"Before Iwashi knew what had happened, the three of them had run to the car, gotten in, and taken off. Sasuke started laughing once they were a few blocks away and told Konohamaru, ' _You should've seen the look on your face when Iwashi opened the door.'_  Konohamaru responded that he thought Iwashi was going to kick his ass. They started to joke around about what happened. But Deidara was becoming more upset by the second and blew a fuse."

_Fuses. Deidara might need more of those too. And explosives; enough for a car bomb._

"He told Sasuke what Iwashi had been saying and how lucky he was that there were people who cared about him. But that it didn't mean he could simply do whatever the fuck he wanted because they weren't always going to be around to save him. He then lectured him about his behavior. That of not caring about the feelings of others and on and on to the point that Naruto had to cut in and tell Deidara to back off for a minute. Sasuke was looking rather ashamed."

_Maybe a small raise would suffice._

"I don't know if it was because he realized the position he had been in, that the others stepped in to save him or something Deidara said, but Sasuke was different after that. He held his head up higher and seemed happier."

_But a big raise would be more decent._

"That must've been around the time Sasuke became more involved with the church," I told him and he nodded.

"Yeah. He tried to recruit Udon and Konohamaru but the only one that actually listened to him was Naruto," Yahiko said with a shrug.

I thought about everything he said and sat back.

I heard Yahiko sigh and I looked at him directly in the eyes. He swallowed waiting for my reaction. He looked like he was about to say something but I simply raised a hand to mollify him.

"You should've told me this back then. However, I understand why you didn't," I said, voice low and calm.

Yahiko let out a breath of relief.

I left it at that and decided to get back to work.

I needed to visit Sasuke to finally answer any questions he might have as best I could with the hope that it would help him somehow.

* * *

I ended up leaving work early so that I could visit my brother. I had been trying to piece everything together, from what happened to Sasuke in the past up to what mother had disclosed, however brief. And everything in between.

It didn't take long to realize that what had happened to Sasuke in first grade wasn't what sent him over the edge. He figured something out about the time when Shisui and our other cousins lived with us. But which cousin was it that he'd had wanted to to be in contact with and why? Perhaps one of my cousins knew what happened or helped him out of a situation similar to what had happened to me. 

Then again...

Mother hadn't wanted to share the name of that person and from Sasuke's journal entry it was very likely that mother knew what had happened to him. I had a very bad feeling about this cousin was—and what he had done.

"Itachi," Sasuke said and waited for me by the entrance of the visitor lounge. He gestured that I follow him and we walked silently to his room.

When we arrived, I walked in and sat on his bed. He opted to stand by the door.

"You came late."

"Visiting hours are until seven thirty," I told him and waited for him to elaborate.

"I…" he cleared his throat. "I'm leaving soon and well, I have a date tonight."

"A date?" I asked and he nodded.

Then I noticed the suitcase and the fact that the room was practically bare.

"You've checked out on your own?"

He nodded again.

"Since Naruto was coming by today, I figured I'd go home with him."

"I'm glad to hear you made that decision."

"Did you need to tell me something about mother or father?"

"No. I wanted to see you," I said simply.

His eyes widened a bit then he smiled and blushed. That reminded me of when he was still a kid and desperate for any attention from me. 

He turned his face away and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked confused.

He turned to look at me and raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you were upset about what you read in my journal."

"You caught me off-guard and I wasn't ready to talk about it."

"You are now?" he said and walked towards me to sit beside me.

"If you'd like."

"I remember more now," he said and I nodded. "When I showed you my journal, I was very confused and angry. Mostly at mother. But since then, I've remembered a few more things about myself. Things that had been suppressed for a very long time."

"Do you want to share anything with me?"

"Remember how father used to tell us that we weren't allowed to answer a question with another question?" he asked and I smiled because he had done just that. "I have to ask, is anything of what mother told me back then true?"

"Yes."

"So it's true that you wanted to move out?"

"Yes," I said and inwardly sighed because he gave me a chance to gather my thoughts before we delved into deeper issues.

"Was it because of me?"

"No."

"Then, why?"

I had to pause for a moment to think back. I hadn't thought about this since then.

"I was angry at father. We had very different views back then. I felt like I was right and he was too stubborn to listen. It didn't matter what we were talking about, my education, work, friendships...you name it, we bumped heads. During that time, he was spending too much time at work and when he was home, he'd be locked in his office. I advised him to change companies but he was working on a promotion. When he finally received it, he was constantly being sent out of town but by then I had already moved out. Even so, I still tried to talk some sense into him. His boss, Danzo, was taking advantage of him and he didn't want to see it."

"So when we went to Vegas, father was avoiding you?"

"No," I said and had to take a breath.

I didn't know I was still angry about it.

"He was supposed to be there to show us around the city and what not but at the last minute, he was given extra work. He didn't have any time to spare. He slept when he could and that ended up being at the job site."

"Mother...she told me you two fought because of me."

"I brought you up a few times. I felt like he was neglecting you. But then, I suppose, I was doing the same thing. It wasn't for any other reason but the fact that I had a lot on my mind and angry over things I couldn't change. It's why I threw myself into my studies. I figured if father wouldn't listen to reason, I could do more to help out. But I didn't even think about how long it would take or how far I'd be from home. The end goal was my priority, not the time between and I guess, father and I at least had that in common."

Sasuke was quiet for a moment then simply nodded when what he remembered correlated with what I said, I supposed.

"Did mother tell you anything about me, like what she told me about you?"

"No. I wasn't allowed to talk about what had happened to you at that school."

"McKinley."

He said it so soft I almost didn't catch it. His head was bowed and then he finally looked up.

"The name of the school was McKinley."

"I'd forgotten. We moved so suddenly…"

"I didn't know we went to that school. But I was always drawn to it. It was right off the freeway, I could see it right before I went under the bridge on my way to work. One day I drove past it."

He took a breath and seemed to be picturing it in his mind.

"The architecture is stunning. It has six stone pillars at the face of the building. The view is even better from the park across the street at sunset. I found out because I kept going back. There was something eerily familiar about the school but I couldn't figure out what. Until I passed by it one day with mother in the car. When she saw the school, she said that she wished I had never stepped foot inside of it. Back then, I didn't know what she was talking about. I remember now," he said and looked away towards the small window in the room. "So that means all of you knew what happened to me?"

"I'm assuming that mother and father knew because of the way they reacted to me when I wanted to talk about it. But I didn't know. I thought you had been jumped at the most but it never made any sense. Not until you showed me the journal. Now I have my suspicions."

"Suspicions, huh? All this time, you didn't know but I knew about you. Do you even remember? Mother said you were two."

"I don't think anyone remembers anything from when they were two," I said and let out a breath. "But I remember when mother took me away from them. I was about three years old. I didn't even know mother and when she took me to live with her and father, I didn't feel like I belonged to them. Ryoma was my father. Aina was my mother. I called mother and father by their names until…" I stopped for a moment and took a shuddered breath. "Until Shisui figured out what Ryoma was doing to me every time we visited. I was four by then. He was afraid to tell but knew he had to say something to someone so, he confided in Setsuna. You remember him right? He's Ryoma's eldest."

When Sasuke heard his name, he took in a sharp breath but I needed to get this out so I continued keeping that reaction in the back of my mind.

"Setsuna told Shisui not to tell anyone and then he talked to me. I don't remember what he said other than explaining to me that Ryoma was not my father and that he had no right to my person. He then told me to address Fugaku as father in so many words. So I did. I called him father and Mikoto mother. It took me years to finally accept them as parents. And I wasn't fully convinced until under the subterfuge of a science project, proved that they were, in fact, my parents. But I didn't know and never would have guessed that mother knew about Ryoma until I read your journal."

"Figures as much that mother didn't protect you," Sasuke said and rubbed his face. "That's why I was angry with her for so long. I'm trying to forgive her…for my well being not hers. But what happened at the school, she didn't have anything to do with that."

"Did she have anything to do with—?"

"Sasuke?" Naruto said softly having knocked once, interrupting what I was about to say, and opened the door to step inside. "Itachi?"

"Naruto," I said simply and then looked at Sasuke who didn't even bother to say a word.

He was looking away, gripping the material of his jeans.

"Am I early?" Naruto asked, shifting from foot to foot unsure of what to do with himself.

"No," Sasuke answered and still had not turned to look at him. "Itachi's visit wasn't planned but we're in the middle of a conversation."

"Um," Naruto said awkwardly and looked at me for help.

I didn't offer any, I wasn't sure if Sasuke would postpone with him or not. But I didn't think I could have this conversation another time.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Are you stupid?" Sasuke said upset now looking at him with a furrowed brow. "I'm going home with you tonight and we're going on that date."

"Okay but, it seems like you're—"

"Sit down, Naruto," Sasuke told him and he did, immediately.

He took hold of the chair by the desk and sat in it to give us some space.

Then Sasuke turned to me.

"I'm in the process of trying to figure that out. Hashirama wants to try hypnotherapy but…"

"You don't want to do it that way," I said knowing how stubborn he was. He wanted to remember on his own.

"It's not that. I remember enough but I'd rather not have a clear picture."

"What do you remember?"

"I didn't know we were going to have this conversation today," Sasuke said looking at Naruto. "Do you mind sitting beside me?"

"Of course not, Sasuke," Naruto said and took a seat next to my brother.

Sasuke took Naruto's hand in his.

"I don't know if I've ever told you about what happened to me when I was young—"

"You have...what you remembered back then anyway."

"Alright," Sasuke said and sighed in relief. "If you don't want to hear this, you should step out but I would rather you stay."

"Then I'll stay," Naruto said, his eyes on my brothers unmoving and clear.

Sasuke nodded at him and then turned to me.

"When I was talking to you…" he said and paused.

I took in a sharp breath. Relief flooding through me because that meant...

Sasuke looked up at me then and smiled.

"Yeah, I remember some of that day. Just not much between graduating high school and being on the phone with you."

"You remember graduation now?" Naruto said happily.

Sasuke let out a nasal laugh.

"It's not as fuzzy as before. Itachi was late, I remember that clearly."

"Hn," I said in acknowledgment. And allowed a small smile on my face that Sasuke mirrored.

"I remember enrolling in college, working, having ice cream with Naruto," Naruto beamed and Sasuke squeezed his hand, smiling at him, "working for Itachi and that day, I left work early."

"And the phone call," I said to prompt him to continue.

"I don't remember the entire conversation. But I do remember talking about tea parties," he said and pressed his lips together to contain his laughter. Then he shook his head. "I remembered Shisui living with us at the time."

"And I told you that he wasn't the only one. Uncle Kagami, his eldest, Tekka, and also Setsuna lived with us."

"I can't remember the others but I remember Setsuna. At the time and up to almost eight years of age, maybe longer," he said and shrugged. "I believed that he was my father."

My eyes widened because I remembered trying to console Sasuke every time we left aunt Aina's house. He would cry almost uncontrollably for Setsuna. So that was why. And father would be so angry about his fits.

"I don't understand. You lived with father since you were born."

"But I couldn't go anywhere near him. When I tried, mother would carry me away. If she wasn't around and I'd actually make it to his side, he'd shoo me away. I remember the smell of beer. He was always angry; always drunk."

I nodded because it was true.

"The last time I ever approached him in that house, I was three. We were playing outside with the neighborhood kids and there was an earthquake. I was very excited and ran into the house calling out to him. Daddy. I used to call him Daddy. He was drunk, sitting in his green recliner, there were empty cans of beer all around him, the air was thick and smelled of beer, and he was watching a soccer game."

I couldn't believe the amount of detail his memory supplied. And it wasn't until Sasuke said it that I too remembered that old recliner father always sat it while he watched his soccer games.

"I didn't realize it at the time because of how excited I was but I stood in front of the TV, blocking his view, to tell him what happened. He told me to shut up and get out of the way. And he added not to bother him again. I stopped trying to come near him after that. But I did start to wonder who he really was. Because it struck me then that he couldn't be my real father. Soon after that moment, I realized that I didn't need him. I had Setsuna."

I noticed that Naruto's eyes widened but I kept my focus on Sasuke. I was nervous about what he was going to say but I tampered my emotions and focused on his words intsead.

"Setsuna did all the things a father should do with me—or at least that was what I had believed at the time. He would carry me. Sit me on his lap. Tell me stories. Play with me. He was always attentive to me and never ignored me.  _He_  was my real father. But he didn't let me call him anything but Setsuna."

"You became very attached to him," I said and looked at him confusedly. I wasn't really sure I understood what any of this had to do with...

"I did. To the point that I would do anything he asked of me," he said quickly and then looked at me.

He searched my eyes to see if I understood what he was saying but I shook my head. There was no way...

"It always happened when you were at school. And nobody even noticed that I had stopped talking."

I blinked at that. 

We lived in that house until he was five and by then, Kagami and the others had been away for close to a year. They had left when the company my father worked for began to lay people off. Shisui had stayed until we moved. And Sasuke...had he truly stopped talking? 

"You were at school and so was Shisui. Father was at work and Mother was asleep. She was always asleep. And even though Setsuna worked nights, he took care of me. When Mother would finally wake up close to the time you were getting out of school, she'd drag me out of Setsuna's room. We were always in the middle of a game when she did and then scolded me for bothering him because she said that he needed to sleep. But Setsuna was the one who would look for me as soon as you and Shisui were gone. I knew mother would be upset but I didn't want to disappoint him even though I kind of knew that what he wanted to do was wrong. And I guess I was a little scared of what we did but he would come up with a lot of games to play with me. And I always looked forward to that it was just what we did first that had me on edge…"

He looked at me intently. But I refused to accept what he was saying.

"Itachi, don't make me say it."

"You're lying. It wasn't Setsuna. You're probably confused because you were so young. It was probably Tekka or Kagami…"

"Itachi!" he said with a fierce glare. "Do you really believe I would make something like this up?!"

"No…" I said barely a whisper.

But it couldn't be Setsuna. Setsuna stopped what was happening to me. He protected me. Besides Shisui and Sasuke, he's the only other person I fully trust.

"It was him! I remember it was him! He touched me!"

I shook my head,

"I was forced to—!"

"Enough!" I said and stood up turning my back to him.

"It's enough, Sasuke. I believe you. I just need time to accept it. I'm sorry I called you a liar."

"He was a father to me, Itachi. I...love him," he said softly and I turned to face him incredulously. "That was why when I remembered…"

"He's not your father, Sasuke," I said and I knew that the pity I felt for him rang through my voice. "He was never your father."

"He was. He was the only one who was!" he said stubbornly.

In a way, I knew how he felt but it still didn't make sense to me. He'd grown up with our father. I had been the one raised away from mother and father for the first three years of my life. And yet, even though I had gone through something similar, I hadn't been able to protect my brother. And mother...was asleep? 

That was not something I wanted to think about. But now all of Sasuke's resentment towards her made more sense. What the hell was going through your mind, mother? 

And yet I couldn't really blame her, she was in an abusive relationship and suffered from chronic depression for as long as I could remember. If she couldn't even take care of herself, how was she supposed to protect her own children? 

"I talked to him."

My attention was back to Sasuke immediately. He talked to him...as in Setsuna.

"When?"

"After I was able to convince mother to give me his number," he said and my hands tightened.

_Mother. Did she…?_

I could see Naruto from the corner of my eye, biting his lip. He probably wanted to say something.

"I wanted him to confirm my suspicions. Because when I called him, I still wasn't sure. I didn't have a good memory of the events as I do now. But as soon as he realized it was me on the phone, he was suddenly very nervous. He started to ramble about his work and didn't ask me anything personal. He wanted to know if I had called anyone else, his sisters, Shisui or his brothers, our cousins up in Japan because we had lots of cousins he said."

"He knew you knew," I said and he nodded.

Naruto reached up and wiped the tears running down Sasuke's face. It startled Sasuke and Naruto apologized. But Sasuke simply shook his head and gave him a strained smile.

"He knew that I knew," he said shakily to confirm my words. "And during the entire exchange was trying to convey something to me desperately. And I understood. I had been the only one he had hurt and he never did it again. So in my heart, I forgave him and then I felt sick to my stomach because I did. Not only that but I knew that I loved him still. And I figured out a way to end the phone call without being rude. But I was in so much pain."

I heard him take in a deep breath. And my heart was clenching, my chest felt tight. If I could do anything to remove that pain, I would in a heartbeat.

"Itachi, it hurt so much."

Sasuke began to sob softly and I moved so quickly to be by his side that I didn't even notice that Naruto slipped out of the room until I looked for him a moment later. I just hoped that he hadn't gone far because f there was anyone Sasuke needed more than me, it was Naruto.


	22. Extra V

**Naruto POV**

I had been nervous the entire day. Since my last visit to Sasuke, I had been planning our date. I had called up Shikamaru since he and Temari accompanied us for our first date back in the day. And I wasn't really sure how this would go down. Would Sasuke remember Shikamaru and Temari? He told me he was up for it and if it was similar to the first, it could help him remember. Shikamaru was more than happy to take part in helping Sasuke recover his memories. He and Sasuke had been close friends since before we began dating. So if Sasuke remembered up until high school, there was no way he'd not know who Shikamaru was. Plus Shikamaru was easy going. It was Temari who worried me. She could be very blunt and on some occasions, I could call her fierce. But she was Gaara's sister and Sasuke remembered him, surely he'd remember Temari and how to interact with her.

Everything was set and all I had to do was head on over to pick him up. I arrived early just in case Sasuke needed some time to mentally prepare. I know I did. I was worried. The last time I took him from the facility center he broke down on me. That was the second time I had witnessed him that way. I didn't know if I could handle it a third time. I really needed him right now; at my side to help me get through this as much as I knew he needed me. I felt alone in all this and I hadn't been alone since the day I married him. Probably even before that. Sasuke had always been like a rock I could lean on. He had been there for me every little step I took. It was lonely without him. I hated seeing our bed at night because it felt so cold without him. And I couldn't sleep in it. So I'd been sleeping on the couch.

Gah! I wanted my husband back!

When I signed in at the treatment center, I was asked to head over to Hashirama's office. I didn't even want to think that something had happened and that Sasuke no longer wanted to see me. Could he lose his memory again? Did he decide he'd rather be married to someone else? I needed to stop worrying so much. Right now was not the time. I stopped walking in the middle of the hallway and closed my eyes. My therapist suggested closing my mind to all the worry for a few seconds.

_Just breathe, Naruto_ , I told myself.

I took a deep breath in slowly and let it out. One. I took another breath and let it out. Two. And another. Three. Almost done. Four. One more time. Five. I opened my eyes and shook out my hands to rid myself of all that was negative. It was what I told myself I was doing. And for some reason, it worked.

Hashirama didn't make me wait. I was taken into his office as soon as his receptionist saw me. So he must've known that I was coming. Sasuke probably had to inform him. I hoped it was okay that I took him out. Hashirama wouldn't advise against that, would he? Ugh! I was doing it again.

I sat down and closed my eyes while Hashirama greeted me. I didn't answer. I had to breathe dammit! He waited until I opened my eyes and smiled at me.

"Naruto, I'm glad you're here," he said and I nodded. "Sasuke informed me that the two of you were going on a date."

"Yeah, that's right," I told him.

"That's very good. But the reason I called you in here was to inform you that Sasuke has checked himself out."

"Huh?"

He actually chuckled.

"Naruto, you're taking your husband home tonight."

"Really?!"

I had to take a minute to figure out what that meant.

"I don't want you to worry. He will not have another episode where his memories come rushing back to him. His memories are already there. He only needs help jarring them."

"Okay," I said and nodded numbly.

Sasuke was  _coming home_  with me tonight. Sasuke was coming home  _with me_  tonight.

I slowly smiled.

"Also, I need to inform you that Sasuke has been suffering from insomnia. He isn't taking any medication because he doesn't need it. What he has done is establish a good sleep hygiene."

I furrowed my brow, not understanding.

"Sleep hygienes are habits or practices that help improve sleep. He knows what they are and has an established a bedtime routine. We're also making sure he's eating healthy and getting enough exercise. One thing I do want him to avoid is to nap during the day. So far, his sleep has improved significantly. I'm only telling you so that you are aware since they are personal habits that may differ from what you are used to."

I nodded in understanding.

"I'm giving you my personal cell in case you need to reach me."

I widened my eyes.  _Would I need to call him?_

He raised a hand and shook his head.

"I'm not saying that you'll have an emergency situation. But if you have any questions or concerns that you feel are important to address in the moment, don't hesitate to call. Sasuke will continue his therapy a couple times a week for the time being. How does all this sound to you, Naruto?"

"Good actually," I said and swallowed.

"Treat him the way you normally would. I think that will be best for him," he said and I nodded. "As a reminder, I want to add that he might have acquired different tastes or personality traits from what you are accustomed to but keep in mind, he is still the same Sasuke you know and love. Do you have any questions for me?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Very well," he said and handed me a card with his personal cell number. "Have a good evening."

"Thank you, doc."

* * *

When I walked into Sasuke's room, he was in the middle of a conversation with Itachi. When he asked me to sit beside him, I could feel his pain. It was excruciating and I couldn't do anything but listen. Because I knew who that person was, the one he was talking about.

Setsuna.

I met him in passing at our wedding. Sasuke only spoke fondly of him. Any time Mikoto brought him up in conversation, he would become completely consumed by her words. When Mikoto told him that Setsuna wouldn't be coming for the wedding, Sasuke was heartbroken.

At first, I didn't understand Sasuke's attachment to him. They never saw each other or spoke to one another. Setsuna always had an excuse —when he came down to visit Mikoto— to not see Sasuke. Usually, he came into town while Sasuke was at work and was long gone by the time Sasuke found out. But seeing Sasuke so unhappy, I had to ask Mikoto to convince Setsuna to come to the wedding. She did convince him somehow.

During the ceremony, Setsuna kept his distance and at the reception, he only came up to Sasuke when I had walked away. When I returned with a water for Sasuke, Sasuke introduced us and Setsuna awkwardly said hello to me then said he had to go. Sasuke sulked for about ten minutes until I forced him out on the dance floor. While we swayed to the music, he drew his lips close to my ear and confessed, "When I was a kid, I used to think Setsuna was my father and that he had abandoned me."

That was when I finally understood why he was so attached and fixated on him.

As soon as Sasuke said that he would do anything Setsuna asked of him, I knew. My stomach was in knots to the point that I felt sick. When Itachi refused to believe what Sasuke was saying, I saw red momentarily. But seeing the different emotions play across Itachi's face, I came to the realization that this man meant something to Itachi as well.

I didn't understand how a monster could be so well loved. Because he was loved and it was appalling to know. And when Sasuke said he actually talked to him, I didn't know what to feel or think. I wanted to walk out. I didn't want to know what that vile person had said to Sasuke to make him hysterical to the point he lost his memory. But I knew Sasuke needed me. He was holding my hand so tight that it reminded me that I needed to stay beside him.

I don't know how I held it together when I noticed his face wet with tears but I did the only thing I knew I could do, wipe them away tenderly. I felt bad for startling him but it was fine, he knew I was there. I would always be there; I wanted to say. I would always stay.

Sasuke bravely pressed on and what I heard astonished me. Sasuke had received the closure he needed in the most brutal way possible.

His last words sent Itachi over the edge; tears flowed freely from red-rimmed eyes. Sasuke let go of me to immediately embrace his brother. I had to give them a moment. I walked out of the room and just breathed.

* * *

"There you are," Sasuke said softly making my head snap up. "I thought you had left."

"No, I just thought I'd give you two a moment," I said my voice sounding deeper to my own ears.

I cleared my throat and waited. I wasn't sure what would happen now that everything was out in the open and emotions were high.

"You sound like Shisui," he said and smiled amusedly.

Itachi who stepped out behind him snorted.

"He hates seeing us openly display brotherly bonding."

They both chuckled softly and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. I was happy to know that their bond was still strong or maybe stronger now because of what was shared.

Itachi said his goodnights to the both of us and Sasuke stood there awkwardly holding onto a suitcase.

I walked up to him and hugged him tightly. He placed his hands on my hips and let out a breath of relief.

"I was hoping I hadn't scared you away."

"Never," I told him and pulled away a few inches so that I could give him a chaste kiss.

Sasuke blushed and looked away awkwardly.

"Ready to go?"

"I've been ready for hours," he said sounding annoyed and making me laugh.

I took the small suitcase in one hand and grabbed his hand with the other. I led him out and towards my car. I kissed him again —a little longer but still only consisting of a few chaste kisses— before I unlocked the door and held it open for him.

After I placed the suitcase in the trunk and got it, I noticed Sasuke glaring at me.

"I'm not a girl you know," he said severely.

I knew what he meant but I wasn't going to allow him to think that way.

"No, you're not. But you are my husband," I told him sternly and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "So unless you tell me otherwise, I'll kiss you any damn time I want."

"Fine."

"So long as we're clear," I told him and he nodded. "Alright. We're late for dinner. How's your appetite?"

"I could eat," he said and stubbornly refused to look at me.

But I knew he was only trying to hide a blush. I was grateful that he didn't change his mind and asked to stay at the treatment center. If I wouldn't have already known him, I would've been surprised at how incredibly strong he was. I was absolutely certain that things would only get better from here.

* * *

"Who are we meeting up with?" Sasuke asked thirty minutes into our drive to the downtown area.

"Oh, uh," I said biting my lip. I wasn't sure how to say this. "We were running late so I canceled the double date."

"It's ten till, Naruto. You said our date was at seven," Sasuke said sounding a bit put off.

"Oh, yeah. I must've assumed we'd be late?" I said and chuckled. "We can do the double date another time. I'm sure Shikamaru won't mind."

"If you don't think he'll mind then call him up and tell him the date's back on. I've been looking forward to it."

"Yeah, of course. If you're sure?" I said and he didn't bother to reply.

Instead, he shot me a mild glare.

Alrighty then. 

I speed dialed Shikamaru on speaker. Since he and Temari had decided to go out anyway, they were already ready to go. When Sasuke heard he nodded, pleased to hear the news. I was more than a little surprised. He had just had a very emotional conversation with his brother.  _I_  wasn't emotionally ready to go on a double date. I simply wanted to have dinner and relax at home. But if this is what he needed to distract himself from the previous happening, then who was I to stop him from moving forward.

"I don't know how long it's been since I've seen him," he said openly.

"Actually, Shikamaru and Temari are at our place almost every weekend. They have a son who looks exactly like Shika did when he was little. Shika's sorta one of our best friends."

"One of?"

"Yeah, we have a big group of friends. But only a few are as close as Shika."

"Will I see them soon?"

"We can...hmm. Why don't we talk this over with Itachi? We can have a big dinner at his place—it's huge by the way! And that way, if you want to leave early, we can slip out none the wiser."

"Hn."

* * *

When we arrived at The Seafood Company, Sasuke simply nodded at Shikamaru and Temari as a greeting. I squeezed his thigh when I noticed that he hadn't stopped staring at Shikamaru.

After the waitress walked away, having taken our order, Shikamaru chuckled.

"I know, Sasuke. I still have a hard time looking in the mirror and seeing my old man there instead of me," he said and rubbed his face.

"Sorry, you look very different from what I remember. But now that you mention it, it does feel like I'm sitting with your father instead of you."

"Hey, you don't exactly look like you did when I first met you," Temari said trying to defend her husband.

I shook my head hoping that she wouldn't start an argument.

" _You_ do," Sasuke said softly, his dark eyes fixed on her.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Temari asked a bit offended by Sasuke's comment.

"Relax, woman. He's saying you still look young," Shikamaru said and sighed.

"Oh!" she said and grinned. "My secret is my evening skincare routine."

"Oh brother, here we go," Shikamaru said with a roll of his eyes at the same time Sasuke said, "What line do you use? Shizune, my nurse, recommended Tsunade's line and I was surprised with the results after the first night."

"I hear so many good things about that line but I can't afford…"

Shikamaru and I stared at one another completely taken aback. Sasuke had always taken care of himself—his appearance—but never openly talked about it. And he had never held a conversation that lasted longer than a few sentences with Temari. I supposed this was the type of changes the doc had been warning me about.

* * *

Temari was a life savior. She kept the conversation going even though Sasuke was being quieter than normal. Or maybe it was me. And I didn't realize that I was nervously watching Sasuke from the corner of my eye until I was kicked in the chin. I jumped more out of surprise because it didn't hurt.

Sasuke eyed me carefully and I smiled a tense curve of lips until he turned his attention back to Temari. I had no idea what she was going on about now. There was no point in trying to figure it out. I had no idea when I had stopped paying attention, maybe three topics ago. A nudge to my knee had me turning to Shikamaru who was giving me a bored expression. Another person in our party who didn't care to add to the conversation. 

Oh, right, that was what I was here for.

Suddenly, the entire table was quiet. Everyone was eying me. I turned to Temari, who was smirking at me. Then Sasuke who had a slight frown on his face as if he were concentrating on something.

"You dated Sakura," he said quietly almost to himself.

I nodded then swallowed. Where the hell did this come from? I turned to Temari wondering if she had brought it up but she shrugged so I figured she hadn't. I still narrowed my eyes suspiciously at her and she chuckled. I looked at Shikamaru who now had a small smile on his face that kept growing.

"I remembered," Sasuke said simply and then took a sip of his drink.

I cleared my throat to answer but he looked at me with a serious expression.

"We took a road trip and pulled over to a scenic area. Sakura took the picture. Why was she with us? Is she still a friend of yours?"

"Um…" I didn't know what to say.

_Did that even happen?_

I shook my head with a slight frown. Sasuke was still looking to me for an explanation.

"I don't know if I'd call her a friend, maybe more of an...acquaintance?"

"Are you talking about this picture?" Temari asked handing her phone to Sasuke.

Sasuke's eyes widened and then he smiled.

"Yes. It's weird when I remember something and then I find out it's a real memory. Thank you."

"No problem," Temari said with a smile. "It's the best picture I've seen of you two so I keep it on my phone. You look very happy there."

"Let me see that," I said and took the phone from Sasuke's hand. "Hey, I don't remember this. Where are we?"

"On the side of highway 8. The gang got together for one last road trip before everyone had to start college and we'd have to act like responsible adults," Shikamaru offered.

"Oh, I remember now! Yeah, you're right, Sasuke, Sakura took the picture but she wasn't the only one there. Isn't there a group picture of all of us?"

"You should have a copy, Naruto. Maybe in one of your albums," Shikamaru said with a shrug.

"Man! I haven't looked at those pictures in a long time," I said and nudged Sasuke. "You wanna look through them with me tonight?"

"Not tonight. It's already getting late. Shouldn't we be leaving?" Sasuke asked and I looked at the time.

"It's only nine."

"How long does it take to drive home from here?"

"Uh, 'bout half an hour," I said and shrugged not really sure.

"I go to sleep at ten. If you want to stay…"

"Uh, no, no! Yeah, let's go," I said remembering what Hashirama said about his sleep hy-thingy. "Guys, thanks for coming out with us!"

"Have a good night," Sasuke said with a nod as he stood up and turned to leave.

"He's sort of on a schedule," I said as an apology. "I need to go but here…"

"No, Naruto, it's on us," Shikamaru said refusing my money.

"Alright, thanks. See ya!"


	23. 18th Journal Entry

_Present-time_

 

The drive home was quiet but it was only because I was lost in thought, I suppose. I had noticed Naruto's apprehension throughout dinner which surprised me. He was nothing short of comforting prior to the outing. Almost too much that I felt like he was trying to treat me like a sensitive girl on the verge of tears. I had made my peace, in my own way, about my past. The only thing I had left to do was tell Itachi and with time, I would let Naruto know. It was better now that they both knew and hopefully I wouldn't ever have to talk about it again. But I had truly been looking forward to the date or double date. 

I wasn't sure how a date was supposed to be, the only comparison I had was the date I had had with Gaara. This date was a bit awkward. Temari and I were basically the only ones talking to the group until Naruto and Shikamaru began to talk about the trip. But I wanted to share those memories with Naruto privately. It was why I had asked to leave early. I wanted to be alone with Naruto. We hadn't really talked and I felt it was necessary to move forward with him.

To me, Naruto was the boy who encouraged me to stop hiding and because of that, I broke free of the shell I had built around myself. He was the first person who made me believe that I wasn't what I thought I was and that I could be beautiful inside even with everything that had happened to me. He accepted me just as I was, flawed and broken. He wanted me to be a part of his life, his family. He was...is… I couldn't really put into words what he meant to me. And when I closed my eyes, I could see Naruto being as quiet as he was now in a memory from a not so distant past.

We had been married for three years and I was laying in a hospital bed. Naruto was sitting beside me but he was very quiet. All I did was watch him. I couldn't look away from him. His eyes were on me but were unfocused and I wasn't sure how that was making me feel. He was caressing my hair and holding onto my hand with a tight grip. And then mother walked into the room. Naruto stood up and looked at me, his lips pressed together tightly. He nodded at me then at mother as she passed him up and he walked out of the room.

"That man truly loves you," mother told me.

I turned to face her. She looked so serious when she said that and I scoffed a sound that was almost a laugh.

"What are you fucking talking about?" I said amusedly.

I had only been out of surgery for a little while. I was still a little lightheaded and didn't think being in the hospital was a big deal.

I had been in a car accident and broken my right humerus bone. The break wasn't straight across but jagged and the doctor told us I needed surgery so they could place pins and rods in my arm. Then he said he needed to straighten out my arm because the paramedics had taped my bent arm onto my body before they pulled me out of the car. The doctor looked at me intently and asked me if I was ready. I told him I was and he told Naruto to hold me down. I laughed and told him I was fine and that it wouldn't be necessary. Unbeknownst to me, I was high on morphine; I couldn't feel a thing. Naruto held me down anyway. The doctor counted to three and yanked my arm to straighten it out. I remember screaming for a second almost as if I had no control over my own vocal cords. But just as the sound erupted out of nowhere it stopped as easily. And I wasn't really sure if it had been my imagination or not. Though seeing the look on Naruto and the doctor's face made me burst out laughing. The doctor asked if I was okay and I told them they were making me laugh. The doctor then explained to a worried looking Naruto that it was the effects of the morphine.

I was then moved to a prep room. Two nurses bustled around me while Naruto stood to the side to be out of the way. I kept my gaze on him the entire time. He was quiet. It wasn't like Naruto to be so quiet. When the nurse finally said they were taking me into surgery, he turned around and looked at me; his lips tight. He walked up to me with sure steps and took my hand in his. He squeezed it tight and without saying a word, he planted a kiss on my lips and another on my cheek and the last one on my forehead. He nodded to me then, whispering a quiet I-love-you and saying he'd be right by my side when I came to after surgery. Then he was out the door before I was able to respond.

One of the nurses sighed and I looked at her with a smile.

"He loves you so much," she said and wiped teary eyes.

I chuckled and the other nurse laughed.

"She's a huge fan of romantic novels."

And they had rolled me away, one nurse laughing the other sniffling.

"Sasuke! Language," mother said in a reprimand and I snorted. "I'm telling you that he loves you much more than I thought he did."

"How much did you think he loved me?" I asked curiously.

"Not as much as I do," she said quietly and looked down as if ashamed.

I didn't understand what she was really saying. But it was all very amusing to me.

"Are you saying you love me, mother?"

"Of course, I do, Sasuke!" she said and I chuckled.

"Mother," Itachi said calmly as he walked in. "He's doped up on morphine. Do you really think anything he says is commonsensical?"

"Itachi, mother said she loved me. Do you love me too?" I asked and chuckled.

"Yes," he said with a soft smile.

I smiled back at him and looked out the door. I could see Naruto standing right outside the room. He was running his hands through his hair.

"He's been like that since we arrived. You were already in surgery when we did."

"I told him not to call you guys," I told them. "It's not even a big deal."

"Sasuke, you almost died," mother said and I looked at her confused. "Your car was totaled. The firefighters had to cut through the door to pull you out. We could've lost you."

I looked at Itachi and he nodded. I looked towards Naruto again, his shoulders were tense and he seemed to be slumped forward a little. His father and mother walked up to him then. They hugged him tightly and I noticed his body tremble.

"He was crying when we got here. All I could do for him was hold his hand," mother continued in a soft voice. "He truly loves you, Sasuke. Don't ever forget that. And I hope you're treating him the way he deserves because that man, he wouldn't be able to survive without you. No one will ever love you the way he does. I only wished your father loved me that much."

"Mother," Itachi chastised her. "Father loves you and you know that."

"Then why isn't he here?" she asked upset.

"He'll be here tomorrow morning when he's sober," Itachi said through clenched teeth and moved closer to the window. "I was the one who didn't allow him to come."

"Oh, your father," mother said and shook her head.

A soft knock on the door had me turning to the new visitor. Naruto's father, Minato. He had a small smile on his face but his eyes showed how worried he was about me of all people. 

"Sasuke, how are you feeling?" he said looking at me intently. 

The question took me by surprise but then, I burst out laughing. I was feeling perfectly fine. And everyone was too serious. It was hilarious.

Itachi snorted and said something quietly which had Naruto's father smiling amusedly.

Naruto placed the car in park and I realized we had arrived at a house.

"Is this where we live?" I asked as I peered at the house.

"Yeah, when we went house hunting you said you'd be okay with anything so long as it wasn't a two-story house."

"Ah," I said and opened the door to step out of the car.

I stared at the house while Naruto went to the trunk and pulled out my suitcase.

"You ready?"

Suddenly, I was swept up into his arms.

"Naruto! What the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm carrying you over the threshold," he said simply.

"Isn't that my job?" I said annoyed even though I could feel my entire face and neck heating up with a blush.

"You did it the first time," he said and winked at me. "It's my turn now."

"What about my suitcase?" I asked thinking he'd put me down but instead, he heaved me up a bit then my suitcase landed on top of me. 

"Uff!"

"There," he said and chuckled while he continued up the steps.

"Idiot."

"Stop complaining, you bastard," Naruto said while he struggled to get the key in the door.

But I wasn't paying attention anymore, I was waiting for the door to open. It almost felt like I could see through it. My eyes followed the path through the entryway, past the living room and dining area, through the hallway and into the bedroom.

Our bedroom.

"Welcome home, Sasuke."

Naruto put me down when we made it into the living room and I had to grip his arm from the surprise I received. I had seen the exact same living room before he opened the door. I walked up to the leather sofa and let my hand glide on the back of it and I didn't stop walking until I stood in the bedroom.

"Sasuke?" Naruto said softly while standing in the doorway.

"It's exactly as I pictured it," I said and turned to look at him.

He looked at me mouth agape and I slowly walked up to him. I placed my hand on his cheek and he swallowed.

"Thank you, for giving me a home. And...for loving me the way you do."

I leaned forward and kissed him softly.

Naruto placed his hands on my hips and gripped them. As I began to pull away, he brought me closer to him and kissed me back. It wasn't a soft kiss, he firmly placed his lips on mine. One of his hands moved up my back and he fisted the back of my head. His fingers tangling in my hair. My heart began to beat erratically but I didn't want him to stop. I felt his thumb caress my jaw to gently coax me into opening my mouth wider. I felt his other hand make its way down my back and I felt a chill that made me gasp into his kiss. He took the opportunity to snake his tongue into my mouth.

I pressed my body closer, gripping the back of his shirt. My tongue followed his, caressing each other and feeling the moist heat of his sweet tasting mouth. I moaned then, the sound vibrating in my throat. His hand moved down to my ass and he gripped it hard.

"Sasuke, if we don't stop now, I don't think I'll be able to," he said softly, his forehead pressed against mine.

"Then don't stop."

I was breathing hard, my breath mixing with his.

"Sasuke, no. You don't…"

"I said, don't stop."

"I missed you," he said and his voice sounded thick.

I cupped his cheeks and gave him a chaste kiss.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," he said in a soft voice. "I don't want you to feel bad about something that wasn't in your control, to begin with."

"No, maybe not. But still, I seem to keep testing your love for me without giving you anything in return," I told him and kissed him again none too gently. 

And before I knew it, we were making out on on the bed.

Naruto pulled away for a moment, long enough to lift me up into a sitting position before resuming the kisses. I felt him take the hem of my shirt in his hands as he slowly lifted my shirt up and over my head. His hands caressed me gently and he seemed to take his time to map his fingers across my torso.

I felt my stomach muscles tighten and release as he circled his fingertips around my navel. I leaned back on my elbows for a moment and just watched him take pleasure in kissing my exposed skin. His lips soft and gentle, his fingers warm and firm. 

I lowered my body fully so that I could make use of my hands. I took off his shirt and let my hands explore his chest, I circled his nipples and followed the linea alba. I began to unbutton his pants when I heard him gasp and he bit into the soft flesh of my earlobe. I felt a chill and goosebumps spread from my neck down to my chest, my nipples hardening in the process.

"Sasuke," his husky voice whispered into my ear. "Are you sure about this?"

"No," I said sarcastically and just to prove my point, pulled down his jeans.

"Sasuke, your mouth is saying no but…"

"Idiot," I told him and grabbed his face bringing it to my eye level. "If you're going to ask stupid questions then I'll give you stupid answers."

"I just want to make sure you're ready to take this step," he said so sincerely that my heart squeezed in my chest.

' _He loves you so much,'_  reverberated in my head and my eyes teared up on their own accord.

"Naruto," I said, my eyes desperately searching his. "I love you and I don't know how to tell you or show you so please stop asking me if I want to do this because my answer isn't going to change."

His eyes opened wide and he whispered my name sharply.

I wasn't sure how I found the right words to explain what I was feeling, even though they still seemed to fall short, but he finally understood that I was in all my senses and kissed me hard. There was no going slow for him now. The remainder of my clothes and his had been shed so quickly that I had to blink and make sure that it had actually happened in real time and not some sort of magic trick he picked up while I was away.

My fingers were wound tightly in his hair while he licked and sucked and nibbled my cock. I couldn't do anything but arch my back and let all sorts of lewd sounds escape me.

* * *

I was getting excited as I was writing this. And I couldn't see myself writing about the rest of the experience. Instead of writing my past memories I was writing about something that had just happened hours ago. Almost nine hours ago to be exact. 

I had woken up in bed with my husband and as soon I saw him I blushed. I couldn't help it, I feel like an idiot for admitting it but I wasn't used to it. I had become accustomed to waking up alone in a small room that had begun to feel like my home. But I knew—felt it deep inside—that this room, this house, was my home. I belonged here beside Naruto. And even though I could only remember bits and pieces of what it was like to be friends with him, to date him, and be married to him, I hadn't remembered being with him the way I had been last night. Again, just like the time he kissed me in the elevator, this experience had been so new to me that it felt like it was my first time. And perhaps it was why it felt all the more special.

Although I was not in any way a virgin, it felt like I had been. Especially when I felt a slick finger enter my body and I had no other recollection of that feeling. But it felt, oh god! There's no way I can even explain it or even continue writing about it without feeling a warmth fill me completely.

It's not like I could continue writing anymore now, Naruto is waking up and I want to experience this moment with him, not my journal.


	24. 19th Journal Entry

It seemed like I only had one thing on my mind lately. It got to the point that I hadn't even bothered to write in my journal any longer. But my last session I had with Hashirama reminded me how important the journal had been to my recovery. I knew I needed to continue writing it. But our marital activities didn't leave any room for it and apparently, from the memories that had been assaulting me lately, it had been like this before I lost my memory too. But Naruto was back to work and I didn't have anything to stop me from writing.

The day he was going to go back to work, he decided to make me breakfast. I woke up to the smell of bacon and coffee. I walked over to the kitchen to see him standing in front of the stove, flipping pancakes. 

He had to keep pulling up his pants that were actually a pair of mine. I knew because they were new. Itachi had just given them to me while I was at the treatment center. A pair of gravel colored sutra pants. They had drawstrings but apparently, Naruto must have thought it was a waste of time to tighten them but it was all fine by me. It was obvious he wasn't wearing any underwear either from how low the pants would ride before he pulled them up.

Naruto didn't notice that I was standing back, leaning on the island and watching him. The more I watched those pants slip down and ending up askew, exposing only one cheek, the more I wanted to walk up to him and kiss that exposed skin. I wanted fingertips to travel down his spine to his lower back and to the dip before his natal cleft. 

I couldn't hold back any longer as I walked up to him and pulled down the other side of the pants just as he had reached to pull them up. Now the opposite side was down and he shifted his hips moving the spatula from one hand to the other. He reached down to pull up one side and at the same time, I pulled the other side down. How he couldn't feel that I was pulling them down was beyond me.

When he groaned in complaint, I inched closer and whispered, "Stop pulling up these pants."

I had to take a step back because Naruto whipped around to look at me. The spatula clattering on the ground. His eyes were wide and his mouth agape. It took him a moment to react but when he did, he reached for my shoulder while his other hand gripped his heart.

"Fuck, Sasuke! You scared the shit out of me!"

I only smirked at him.

He shook his head.

"I thought you were asleep. I was going to take…mmph."

I kissed him hard, Naruto's mouth automatically opening up to thrust a tongue into my mouth. His tongue moved in my mouth in a way that mimicked the way he had entered me the night before. He pressed it down over mine and slid it in and out. I couldn't help chasing it with my own and tried to suck it back into my mouth. He shoved it in again and I moaned loudly. I pressed my hands to his chest and pulled away.

"I didn't mean to scare you but your pants were teasing me."

Naruto chuckled and I pointed at the stove. The pancake he had on the pan had started to burn and the smell had reached my nostrils. He turned around and went to reach for it with his hand but I grabbed it before it made contact.

"Wait. I'll get you a new spatula," I said but then spun around confused.

_Where would a spatula be?_

Naruto squeezed my shoulder and smiled.

I knew that smile. It was the one he showed every time I seemed to forget something. Or more precisely, couldn't remember something because I had in fact lost a lot of my memory. And it was moments like this where it was very obvious.

Naruto leaned over to reach something behind me. A drawer on the island and pulled out a new spatula. He couldn't salvage the pancake and ended up throwing it in the trash. He then poured a little more mixture into the pan and reached for me again, pulling me close to him. He pressed my back against him as he wound an arm around my torso.

"Want to learn how to make pancakes?" he whispered into my ear.

I felt a chill run down my back and I shuddered. I pressed back into him for a little warmth even though it wasn't cold.

"Sure."

I wasn't certain if this was what our mornings were like before I lost my memory but one thing was certain, I knew I used to be the one who made breakfast.

As we ate, I thought about how many times I had failed in the kitchen that week alone. Many dishes ended up in the trash and Naruto would either grill something or order takeout. According to him, he ordered from places I liked but I couldn't see myself eating from those places at all. 

One was an Italian restaurant and although the food was good, the sodium content was off the charts. I would end up grabbing a can of tuna and slicing some tomatoes to eat instead. Naruto would scrunch his nose at me but I didn't care, it was way better than all the sodium he would be ingesting.

I picked up a bacon slice and bit into it. It was crispy and I had no idea how Naruto made them just right. I didn't understand how I could see myself cooking and moving about the kitchen like a pro just to end up with soggy or burnt food. 

I called mother twice to help me fix dinner but we only ended up arguing. I had to sit back and have a beer so she could cook on her own. I enjoyed her company, though. She would reminisce about things I had not remembered but once she brought them up they surfaced and stayed with me. 

She told me about the camping trips we took together as a family where father took Itachi and me fishing. Or the times we simply stayed at home and watched movies after father would bring home a box of donuts. Mother and I would sit in a recliner under a blanket that I'd hide under when certain scenes scared me and Itachi teased me for being a baby. Or the time when it was just the two of us at home and the sound of a sonic boom scared her shitless. She had run to my room to grab me and take me to safety but we didn't get past the hallway. I was on my knees laughing my head off and trying to explain what the noise had been. When she finally understood, she swatted my shoulder playfully, completely embarrassed and she bribed me with my favorite dish so I would promise not to tell Itachi or father the next time I saw them. 

I was happy to have those memories back, of times when we were a happy family and she was a loving, supporting mother. Between her and Naruto, they helped me push all the negative memories back and remember the good ones.

I couldn't deny that I loved her cooking. It was better than anything I made or what Naruto ordered. 

I wanted to ask Naruto if there was something I made before that he liked so that I could ask mother to help me make it and practice until I could do it on my own. But I didn't want him to look at me the way he did when I couldn't remember something. 

It seemed like he pitied me and was trying not to show it but I had the feeling I was reading him wrong. If I could guess, it was more like he was trying to hide the fact that he was really struggling to accept the fact that I truly was the man he married and had been living with for the past eight years. It never bothered me to tell anyone else, 'Look, I don't remember so either tell me or get out of my face.' Well, maybe I didn't exactly say it in those words but it was the gist of it. With Naruto, it was the opposite. I was wary of telling him I couldn't remember something. Instead, I tried to play off as if I did or like I didn't hear him. Because seeing his disappointment sometimes hurt more than his looks of pity.

"Are you finished?" Naruto asked as he stood up with his dishes. I was slowly chewing on a piece of bacon but swallowed quickly to address him.

"Put those down. I'll clean up," I told him with a slight frown.

He chuckled but did as I said.

He thought I was bossy so I shrugged, uncaring.

He leaned down and kissed me softly.

"Come on, then. You can clean this up later. Right now, we need to finish what you started this morning."

I smiled at him happy that it didn't matter how difficult this whole situation was for Naruto, he never let it get to him to the point that he stopped being attracted to me. And that was only one of the reasons I was grateful that it was Naruto I had ended up with. He didn't just love me for my exterior but for me, the person I was back when we were young and the person I became, even this new person I was now. Because even though he didn't say it, it was apparent that I was not the same person I was only a few months back. He quickly accepted anything I offered and I was more than willing to do the same for him. I tried everything he wanted me to try sometimes more than once, but I was always truthful when I didn't care for something or absolutely detested it. And when there was something that I liked, I was pretty sure that Naruto could see right through me to know when I did.

Like this morning when he undressed me slowly and led me into the shower. He had quickly figured out that I got off on him looking at me. Because as Naruto's eyes swept over me it was always as if he was eating me with his eyes. He ran his hands down my torso, his eyes following their trail and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from moaning.

"Naruto," I said in a whisper as he leaned over me to turn on the shower. "I need you."

"I know, S'ke," he said looking at me in the eyes.

He caressed my cheek, his thumb reaching under my jaw and pressing down a little. I swallowed hard and he smirked. I knew I was blushing but I really couldn't help it. He pressed me close to his body and I embraced him. 

I liked that too, simply holding him for a bit while our naked bodies were pressed into each other. 

Naruto moved the shower head so that it pointed down. He then pressed me up against the wall so the water was hitting between us. He kissed me slowly, his hands roving over my body making sure that I was wet all over. I reached behind him to grab the shower gel and loofa. I poured some out and began to lather up his back while he kissed down my jaw to my throat. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips.

I moved the loofa in slow, small circles from the nape of his neck to the base of his spine...and didn't stop until I reached his ass. Naruto bit down on my shoulder and reached back to take the loofa from me. He began to wash my chest, his eyes following the movement of his hands.

"That feels nice."

"Yeah?" Naruto said and looked at me with a small smile.

I nodded and reached for his hair to pull him towards me so that we could kiss again. There was no way I would ever get enough of this man.

We pulled away from each other and I grabbed the shampoo, turning him around so that I could massage shampoo into his hair. After he rinsed it off, he pressed me to his chest so that he could wash my hair. He stood directly under the spray as he rinsed my head and I turned around pressing my hands on the wall behind him. He began to wash my back as I mouthed his chest and traced my tongue around the outer edge of his nipples.

"You fucking tease, Sasuke!"

As his hands inched lower towards my ass, I lightly bit one of his nipples and he groaned. His fingers digging into my ass. I couldn't hold back anymore, I pressed my body against his and rotated my hips so that our cocks came into contact. He hissed in my ear.

"Don't make me wait any longer, Naruto. I really need your cock inside of me right now."

"I don't want you to tell me how much you need me, I want you to show me," Naruto told me.

I groaned in frustration but I soaped up my hands and cupped his balls. I moved my hands so that his testicles would rub against each other. Naruto groaned and I leaned down to take one of his nipples in my mouth. As I played with his balls, I licked and nipped at him. I moved my hand past his balls and stroked his perineum. Then I got down on my knees and took his erect cock into my mouth. I heard him hiss and I felt a little smug. I twisted my hand as I stroked the base of his cock. I licked and sucked his cock while I held on to his ass with my other hand digging in lightly with my nails.

Naruto began to fuck my mouth and I allowed it.

"Ah shit, Sasuke! Fuck!"

And I knew that he was coming close to completion. I let go of his cock just as his body began to tense and just held myself up with the shower walls. He continued to thrust into my mouth.

"Oh shit, I'm cumming!"

And then he did, his cum shot into my mouth and I greedily devoured it. I felt his hand in my hair, caressing me gently.

"Oh-my-fucking-god!" he said and I let his cock slip out of my mouth with a pop.

I wasn't sure if I had given him a blowjob before, but deep down I knew I had since the entire week I had been dreaming about doing just that. But this was the first time since I came home from the treatment center a little over a week ago. I stood up carefully and Naruto held onto me tightly.

"Sasuke, that was fucking amazing!"

I smiled accepting his praise and cupped his face, leaning in for another kiss.

"I've been wanting to do that since the first night I slept here."

"Really?" Naruto asked surprised.

"Yeah, I just—"

I didn't finish what I was saying because Naruto was suddenly kissing me again.

Needless to say, Naruto did not go to work and we spent the entire day either fucking on the bed or in the living room. Taking breaks in between just to talk or actually for him to talk and for me to indulge in all the attention he was giving me.

It was probably early evening when I remembered something while Naruto was talking about Shikamaru's son.

"Naruto," I interrupted him.

"Yeah?"

"Were we about to adopt before I, you know, what happened to me?" I asked curiously.

I remembered having called Itachi with good news the day that I broke down mentally and was hospitalized. But it wasn't until right that moment that I remembered what the good news was. It had something to do with the two of us adopting a baby. I was almost sure of it.

"Um," Naruto said hesitantly then smiled widely. "I'm glad you remember that. But, actually, we weren't adopting. We have a surrogate and we had found out that day that she was pregnant. I wasn't sure how to tell you because, well, I still want the baby but I don't know...how you feel about it now?"

I was speechless and I couldn't help but stare at him as the realization of what he was saying hit me. 

We were having a baby.

"But I don't know how to cook. What will the baby eat?"

I sounded like a fool. I could hear my own voice. I was nervous and panicky but also excited.

We were having a baby.

"By the time the baby is ready to eat solid food, I'm sure you'll be a macaroni and cheese expert. If not, we'll hire a fucking cook," Naruto said dismissively.

"How far along is she now? Do you know what it is?" I asked quickly unable to hide my excitement.

This was really happening. Naruto and I were going to have a family and it really couldn't be happening at a better time. I was twenty-nine. By the time that baby was ten, I'd be forty so I would definitely be able to keep up with anything that baby would throw our way from now until then.

"Um," Naruto said and began to count on his fingers. "I don't know what trimester shit or whatever number of weeks, it's all very confusing. You'd be better at keeping track of that. But she's got to be five months along. And before you ask, I don't know the gender, she's having a checkup in a couple of weeks. We can find out then."

"Okay," I said quietly and he kissed me softly.

"Are you sure you want to do this? It's not too soon for you?"

"Are you worried that I'll…?"

"No!" Naruto said quickly and pressed his lips together. "It's because this was something we talked about for years before you finally agreed. I just want to make sure you're okay with it now because well, being with me is already new to you and adding a baby will make it more difficult…"

"I want to do this with you, Naruto," I told him sincerely and I saw his eyes water.

He nodded and smiled softly. "Thank you."

"Naruto, I…"

I was a little lost for words. He was very emotional and I couldn't help being upset with myself for making him wait years for something that obviously meant so much to him.

"I don't feel like this, between us, is new. I don't know how to explain it but even though I don't remember everything, I do remember you and how I feel about you. I know what you mean to me and if I could go back to the day where you talked to me about this for the first time, I'd kick my own ass for making you wait until now. So don't thank me. I'm the one who should thank you for…being with me."

A few tears spilled from his eyes. I wiped them away and leaned down to kiss him softly.

"So we're going to be dads, huh?" I said quietly and he began to laugh.

I smiled at him and embraced him tightly. All I knew was that this was where I belonged, with Naruto.

"I have to ask you a favor, though," Naruto said suddenly.

He looked up at me and I nodded so that he would tell me.

"You have to change all the diapers."

"Oh fuck that, Naruto," I told him and let go of him, standing up to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Naruto asked running after me.

"Looking for a phone book. There has to be someone we can hire for that too."

Naruto burst out laughing and I turned back to look at him with a smirk.

Whoever our baby turned out to be, I really hoped that he or she never found any of these journals. Especially not this one. I mean, no one needed to know how horny their parents were for one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this story. There is another part I was writing, a sort of continuation but it is still incomplete...  
> I posted the first part on FF.


End file.
